Wednesday, January 19, 2011

The Top Four Things I Hate About Today's Vampires

You know what? The vampires of today have really lost their bite. Ah hur hur hur! That was really funny, right? Wrong! DEAD wrong. That opening joke was awful, and so is the state of vampires today. Somewhere along the line of Anne Rice and Stephanie Meyer, vampires got really lame. But the question is, why? Well, here are my four reasons. And all of them are solid gold.

4. Vampires can chill out in the sun now

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What do vampires hate? Garlic, right? And the sun.

Wait, what? No? I'm wrong? Vampires sprinkle garlic on their pizza all the time now AND can hang out in the sun? And not only that, they sometimes sparkle in it, too? Whaaat? Yeah, it's pretty bad, and it takes away one of the key components of what used to make vampires so badass. They were creatures of the night.

They were the kind of monsters who would go to raves at two in the morning and get soaked in blood baths. But now, aside from True Blood, vampires can not only go out in the day time, but they can also live normal lives, except for the whole blood sucking thing, which brings me to my next point.

3. They're no longer blood sucking freaks

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Vampires shouldn't be able to control their blood lust. They shouldn't be going to the woods and killing forest animals. I know this is even addressed in some of the chick-lit books of today where other vampires look down upon those who take blood from animals, but no vampire should be drinking blood that's not human. Vampires should be monsters, not pretty boys. The clip below shows some REAL vampires. And they're from a recent movie, too. But that movie didn't do very well. And you know why? Mainly, I think it's because the vampires in that flick weren't like the ones in my next complaint.

2. Vampires today are pretty boys

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Eric from True Blood, Damon from The Vampire Diaries, and yeah, I guess Edward in a weird kinda way from Twilight are all pretty boys. Sure, they can do that whole, Oohh, I can run really fast and grab your neck thing, but come on. Vampires aren't supposed to be good looking. Like I mentioned earlier, vampires should be blood sucking monsters who are only a few steps away from actually looking like the bats that they came from. Like this guy.

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Would YOU want him to take you to the prom? God, No? I didn't think so. And finally, the last reason why I hate the vampires of today:

1. They're not for boys anymore

All of the above reasons culminate into this final one. There was a time when vampires were creepy. They were just as haunting as werewolves (And I don't even want to discuss the poor state of my beloved werewolves), and they were something that your girlfriend wouldn't want to watch because of all the blood that got soaked on the camera.

There was a time when vampires looked like this.

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And this.

But that day is long gone. Women have taken men's vampires away from them. And their werewolves, too. I guess we guys must hold on tight to our creatures from the black lagoon and mummies then. They seem to be all we have left in the horror department. Frankenstein's monster be damned! He was never cool.

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