Saturday, March 31, 2012

Brains and Brawn – Female Final Fantasy Characters

I thought I could use some help with the blog since bear wrestling takes full concentration and I'm not always able to post. So here's a guest writer. Imogen Reed, take it away.

Article by: Imogen Reed.

When it comes to video games, we have to face the facts that female characters are generally portrayed as a huge, jiggling pair of scantily clad breasts and not much else, and if she’s lucky, there’s a small chance she might just be a little bit kick-ass, too.

However, the game franchise Final Fantasy generally shoots a little higher with its aesthetic and characteristic portrayals of playable female characters, and offers some of the most beautiful and diverse styled ladies ever presented in pixels.

Not only are the Final Fantasy female characters sexy, they’re known to be smart, sassy and often a little bit scary, especially if you have the displeasure (or pleasure, depending how masochistic you are) to meet one as a boss.

Everyone these days expects a sexy design for their video game characters, even the men in games now are never without a rippling physique and a “dirty stop out” morning after stubble, with a gruff huff of a growl in place of what would be considered a normal voice; anyone wanting to be remotely as cool as their favorite game character has a lot to live up to.

Yet, some of the video game consumers often desire something a little more cerebral for their buck, and in some ways creating a female character who is both intellectual, hard-hitting and foxy can make the game experience feel more in-depth and realistic; surely a talking pair of boobs can only entertain a man for so long?!

So, here’s a selection of some of the sassiest, sexiest and salaciously smart female Final Fantasy characters to have roughhoused our hearts since the seminal release of the Final Fantasy series.

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Lulu – Final Fantasy X

She’s tall, dark and mysterious, with one of the most ample bosoms in Final Fantasy history, and to top it off, she’s clearly into a bit of S&M judging by all that bondage gear she’s got wrapped around her legs. Looks aside, this 22 year old Goth gal is one of the most powerful black mages in the Final Fantasy series; don’t let that cute little Moogle doll fool you, when Lulu goes into overdrive she doesn’t take any prisoners.

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Tifa Lockheart – Final Fantasy VII

OK, so black magic and mages are one thing, but sometimes you want your virtual lady to really get physical, and that’s where Tifa Lockheart comes in. She, like Lulu, is more than well endowed in the curves department, but instead of remaining stoic and protracted in battle, Tifa gets right on in there with haste, truly kicking several different shades out of any enemy stupid enough to get in her way. Tifa is arguably Final Fantasy’s strongest female character, in both strength of the body and spirit.

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Yuna – Final Fantasy X and Garnet – Final Fantasy IX

Perhaps you like your ladies a little more demure, if so Yuna and Princess Garnet might be more up your street. Both characters are immediately and traditionally beautiful, without the provocative dress code (although Garnet’s yellow jumpsuit is pretty hot). Yuna is the soft-spoken savior of Spira, full of intellectual insights and Garnet, although unassuming, goes through a bit of a change mid-game with her hair-cut scene, where upon she renames herself “Dagger” – it’s always the quiet ones, right? These Final Fantasy ladies are somewhat more classy than the others, you could almost image saying “Honey, put on your best dress” and having a spin at the top poker sites, or taking them out for dinner with the folks without worrying about them angrily casting Ultima when the wrong entrĂ©e arrives.

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Fran the Viera – Final Fantasy XII

If you thought the character designers were a little kinky coming up with the sketches for Lulu, then take a moment to consider the delicious Fran – she’s half super-sexy lady and half… rabbit. The Japanese are skilled at catering for every fetish you can image, so a raunchy rabbit isn’t really that far-fetched. Fran is more than just anthropomorphic appeal though; her official title is “Master of Weapons”, and she’s well skilled in fixing-up any mechanical mishaps that may occur, in-between gracefully slinging arrows from her long bow.

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Lady Yunalesca – Final Fantasy X

She’s the namesake of the lovely and charming Yuna, but a rose by any other name doesn’t necessarily smell as sweet. This semi-naked summoner is pretty pissed off, due to giving her life to save the world, then remaining “unsent” in a cruel twist of never-ending defeat-of-Sin fate. She might look a bit like a good-time girl, but she’s most definitely one of the hardest bosses to beat in Final Fantasy X.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Which is the better commercial?

I'm having trouble deciding what's the greatest commercial of all time, but I have it down to two choices. This one:

Or this one:

On one hand, it's so reeeeeeal. And on the other hand, we have Issac Hayes (Bless his soul) singing romantically about a hamburger.

So yeah, I really can't decide! What do you think, people? Leave your decision in the comments below.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Weight Watchers works!

Weight Watchers is awesome. I'm losing so much weight. Here's a picture of my former man boobs.

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And here's a look at my current man boobs.

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So, as you can see, I have not only lost a sizeable amount of heft from my chest, but I've also transformed into a beautiful, pouty Asian woman. Weight Watchers sure does work wonders.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Review: The Killing: The Complete First Season [DVD Review]

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Like The Killing? I did, too. Check out my review of the first season DVD here.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Review: The Muppets [Blu-Ray]

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Here's a review of the Muppets movie on Blu-Ray. Check it out here.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

15 of the Coolest Boss Battles Ever

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Here's my latest piece. It's actually on the top 15 coolest fighting game boss fights. But I'll let it slide. You have to choose your battles. Check out the article here.