Saturday, March 5, 2011

The Top Ten Ways to Say WTF Without Saying WTF

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WTF, or, "What the Frak!" to Battlestar Galactica fans, and "What the -expletive deleted-" to everybody else, is ubiquitous these days. So much so, that it's actually losing some of its awesomeness. Note: If my own mother, who watches nothing but Law and Order reruns and Judge Judy knows what it means, then it's lost its power.

So, how about using something other than those three letters that have become synonymous with everything from finding out that your favorite show has been cancelled to seeing a fat man on a motorcycle that could probably fit a family of four?

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So, without further ado, here are my top ten ways to say WTF without actually saying WTF. Try them out some time, and be the envy of all of your friends. Or none of your friends. Conformity is popular these days, after all.

10. Naw, son. Naw.

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Calling something or someone "Son," who is clearly not your son has been a fun habit for quite some time now for both urban and suburban youths. The "Naw, son. Naw" WTF is a good one to use when you're in a state of quiet disbelief, like, "Did you know that Firefly was taken off the air?"

Naw, son. Naw.

It really does take the edge off. Try it some time.

9. Huh?! What?!

I got this one from Big trouble in Little China. In a pivotal scene in the film, Jack Burton and his crew are creeping through the sewers when suddenly, a giant, ant like thingy comes out of nowhere and kills one of the members of the entourage.

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Egg Shen, the guide for the group, takes out these little ball thingies and shouts, "You come out no more!" and throws it at it, causing it to explode. After this happens, Jack Burton goes, "HUH? WHAT?! What comes out no more?!" So this variation of WTF can be used for an angry scream, like, if you have your car broken into or you find out that your girlfriend has been cheating on you with a cardboard cutout of Legolas from The Lord of the Rings. Use the volume with discretion, though. You don't want to shout this TOO loudly. People in the other room might think that you're deaf or something.

8. Ribet, Ribet, I can't hold it

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This one comes from the bathroom level of the first Parappa the Rapper. In it, Master Prince Fleaswallow (And yes, that is his name) is lamenting the fact that the last toilet that he had, he already sold it. So, yeah, WTF, man, with a FML added on for good measure. Make sure you say this with a Jamaican accent to be authentic.

7. Nooooooo!

You ever have the urge to just throw your head back and yell, WTF, man! Well, why do that when you can spread out your arms, ham it up and just say, "NOOOOOOOO!" instead? Hey, it worked for Vader. Or did it?

6. Get outta here, man. Get out!

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Seeing somebody catch a football with their helmet is a HUGE WTF moment. But say you have kids in the house and were a Patriots fan, say, in 2008. Do you see where I'm going with this? Instead of shouting those three words at the screen, screaming, "Get outta here, man. Get out!" followed by a strange, Ric Flair strut around the room, would probably be more appropriate. Taking off all your clothes and doing an elbow drop is optional, though.

5. Well, I'll be a monkey's landlord

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This is one of those, "Why bother," WTF's. Like, "Well, I'll be a monkey's landlord. I'm going to die one day anyway, so I might as well just start today with my fifth pack of smokes. Cough cough." Something like that.

4. Well, blow my nose!

This is another one that's sort of an exclamation of, WTF did I just see? It can usually be followed by the thing that somebody should be blowing your nose over, like, "Well, blow my nose, is that kid REALLY smoking a cigarette, or is the pic below just photoshopped? Dang. That's messed up if it's true."

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3. What in tarnation?!

Another surprised one, but this one is much more forceful. It's like WTF, you like HER? But instead, it sounds more like, "What in tarnation, you like her?!" See? Isn't that more interesting? You'll be a regular old coot in no time. I promise.

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2. What in blue blazes?

This is one of those, you left your house for the weekend only to come back and find a naked guy sitting on your couch and smoking from a bong, moments. This one is also good if you wear a monocle, because said monocle can fly off your face and into your champagne glass. This one's a keeper.

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1. What in Sam Hill?!?!

Is Sam Hill a person? A place? Wikipedia says that it's a euphemism for the Devil, as in, "What the Devil?" But I think it's a euphemism for something else. And I think you know what that something else I'm talking about is. The F dash, dash, dash word, making it my favorite WTF substitute of all time. It's just so OUT there, and it makes you look like Fog horn Leghorn. You look out of your mind, which is something I'm always interested in looking like. Out of my mind. Try it next time you get the urge to SCREAM FTW. You'll feel all the more better for it.


Anonymous said...

What a stupid blog. That was a complete waste of time. You're a douche.

Anonymous said...

Well, I thought that was hilarious. You should write for Cracked.

Anonymous said...

How about W.heres T.he F.unny ?? ;-)

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