Monday, October 29, 2012
I can't believe I'm saying this, but there should have been some male nudity in this movie. It wasn't believable without it. Check out my review of the blu-ray here.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Monday, October 15, 2012
Here's my review of another Tim and Eric production. It sucks pretty hard. Check it out here.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
(Image taken from: gamesradar.com)
For all its clout in the fighting game industry, Tekken is one bat-shit crazy series. From the tangled family history, to the strange win animations, to the just out there endings, being the king of the Iron fist tournament will forever be something to be both proud and embarrassed of at the same time. And with Tekken Tag Tournament 2 now out, we can only imagine what we’re going to be able to partake in next as we fight to the bitter end against a wrestler wearing a leopard mask. Boy, oh, boy, Tekken sure is nuts.
15. An announcer announces when you pick up chicken
In Tekken 4’s Force Mode, you basically beat up bad guys to your heart’s content. And like most beat-em-ups, there’s chicken that appears on the ground that helps you regain your health, which is weird in of itself. But Tekken, as always, has to take it one step further in the weird department by actually making an announcement when you pick up said chicken. There are also “bi-kaws!” and other strange chicken noises that occur when you obtain them. It’s…we don’t even know what to say.
14. Heihachi drops his son into a volcano
The storyline of Tekken doesn’t make any sense. Most fighting game stories don’t make any sense, but Tekken seems to go out of its way to be as absurd as possible. Case in point, Heihachi’s ending in Tekken 2. After defeating his son, Kazuya, Heihachi takes his son’s presumably dead body and drops it in a volcano. Why he couldn’t just cremate him the normal way is beyond us. But you know what? Rising from a furnace as a devil just isn’t as cool as rising from a volcano. So good, job, Namco. You’ve got us there.
13. A Tree Has Tits
Mokujin is one of those characters who has no specific move list of their own and instead apes other characters every round. And up until Tekken 6, Mokujin also had no gender. But in Tekken 6, Mokujin became a, um, a woman, we guess, as she sprouted boobs and everything. That’s right, a tree…with boobs. We haven’t been this disturbed since we saw Howard the Duck with its naughty duck tits scene. Why someone would give any creature, besides a woman, breasts, is beyond us.
12. King is a man, but he makes leopard noises
From what we know, King is a man who wears a leopard mask. But if that’s the case, then why does he make LEOPARD NOISES? Every time he does a cool wrestling move, he starts growling. It’s almost as if there’s a leopard head UNDERNEATH his leopard head. It’s kind of creepy, actually. It keeps us up at night.
11. Yoshimitsu’s mere existence
Bringing a sword to a fist fight? That’s pretty messed up. But that’s just Yoshimitsu’s thing. But that’s not even the strange part. The strange part is, well, where do we begin? Besides the fact that he can fly with his sword and stab himself as a move, he also spins around so much in a given battle that he even makes us sick just watching him. He would later go on to also be featured in the weapon-based fighter, Soulcalibur, but he doesn’t fit there, either. In fact, if anything, he fits even LESS in that game, as it’s an historical title, and Yoshimitsu looks like an alien no matter how you dress him up. Poor guy. He just doesn’t fit anywhere.
10. P-Jack blasts off into outer space
P-Jack is a character that just makes us laugh. From his egg-beater spinning hands, to the way he pounds his chest so hard that he falls backward, still pounding, the ‘ol Prototype is just built for comedy. Probably our favorite thing the big metal lug has ever done is raise his hands up as if he’s being robbed, only to float up into the sky as if he’s going to visit Curiosity on Mars. Uh…what?
9. Dr. Boskonovitch spends about half of his rounds on the ground
Good ‘ol Dr. B. Besides the fact that he’s one of the most hardcore Tekken characters ever, he’s also one of the clumsiest, as he spends half the match either on his back or on his face. To the seasoned vet, he’s a powerhouse, but to the first time player, he’s almost unplayable. We like seeing him spring forward to a faceplant. Classy, Namco. Real classy.
8. In Tekken, both kangaroos and dinosaurs are free to fight
Alex and Roger are a dinosaur and a kangaroo, respectively. And they wear boxing gloves. And we’re okay with that. That just goes to show that we’ve been playing Tekken for far too long. But wait a minute. They made their first appearance in only the second game! We gamers sure do accept a lot of nonsense.
7. Jin’s “accident”
Jin Kazama and Asuka are cousins. And yet, Jin “accidently” faceplants himself right between Asuka’s breasts. We’re not really sure how we’re supposed to feel about this, so we’re just going to chalk it up to the fact that this is Tekken, and in the world of Tekken, you don’t ask questions. You just sit and stare.
6. Heihachi’s father has a mouth in his stomach
Jinpachi is Heihachi’s father, technically making him Jin Kazama’s great-grandfather. So he’s a pretty old dude out there still kicking ass, but that’s not even why he’s on this list. What makes him bizarre is the gaping, biting mouth that he has for a stomach. Why is it there? Uh, because stomachs with mouths in them are cool? Duh.
5. Lee’s scenes in Tekken: Blood Vengeance
In the game, Lee doesn’t seem like such a weird character. We mean, he’s not Alex or Mokujin. But in the recent movie, Tekken: Blood Vengeance, Lee is probably one of the weirdest characters we’ve ever seen, as he’s giving random thumbs up and calling young girls his “kittens.” It’s a trip.
(Unfortunately, this video has been removed. Sorry, folks. It really is ridiculous.)
4. Kuma skips backward
Kuma is probably our favorite Tekken character. He’s undoubtedly had some of the weirdest endings in Tekken history and it’s just fun to watch a bear wearing sneakers and a red t-shirt. But probably our favorite bizarre moment from Kuma is when he puts his hands on his hips, turns around, and starts skipping backwards like a little girl doing Double Dutch. It’s totally ridiculous and one of the funniest things we’ve ever seen. It gets us every time.
3. Gon goes on an adventure again and again and again
Gon is one of those strange Tekken characters who only appeared on the home consoles and only in Tekken 3. That said, in a string of outlandish Tekken characters, he’s probably the weirdest of them all. He’s a small orange dinosaur that’s almost impossible to hit, and oh yeah, his ending is an infinite loop where he goes flying off a dolphin, rolling through a forest, landing on a bird, and then, trying to fly himself, only to fall into the ocean and doing it all again. And again. And again! It’s the repetition that truly disturbs us.
2. Paul prepares to battle aliens
The outlandish endings in Tekken have always been a staple, but none (besides the number one entry) has ever been stranger than Paul’s in Tekken 5 where he makes a challenge to all aliens in the known galaxy. Punching the alien’s face on the wall was ridiculous, but then, when we actually SEE the aliens coming down to accept said challenge. Well, that’s just ridiculous. Dafuq kind of game are we playing here?
1. 1. Kuma proposes to Panda
Out of all the strange, wonderful, what-the-hell moments in Tekken history, Kuma’s proposition of love to Panda is probably the strangest of them all (Yes, even stranger than his space adventure in his ending of Tekken 6). This was the single moment where we just threw up our hands and said, alright, we give up. Tekken is the craziest game we have every played. We accept it. And we haven’t looked back since.