Sunday, December 30, 2012

Review of Dracula [the novel]

DraculaDracula by Bram Stoker

My rating: 2 of 5 stars

Dracula, unlike Frankenstein, is a complete waste of time. Let me explain. Of the great and classic horror novels, Mary Shelley's Frankenstein was a landmark work that is better than the movies it spawned in every way, and I thought Dracula would be that way, too. But I was wrong, and mostly because of the horrifically underwheming climax, which spoils the whole story.

First of all, the book is far too long and there are too many chapters that could just go since they're just reiterating that the characters are afraid. Okay, I understand that, but being that the book is told in journal entries rather than as a regular narrative, it gets tiresome to hear them complaining about the same thing over and over again. Half of that could have just been cut out.

Secondly, there's such great build up, but it's all for nothing. I mean, Dracula is killed in a single paragraph, and clumsily at that. The movies have done a much better portrayal of Drac's execution, and I expected that here, but no. Not at all. And you'll never guess just HOW he's killed. Needless to say, none of the movies that I've ever seen, and I've seen a lot, even bother to mimic this conclusion. Why would they? It's awful.

That said, as a big fan of gothic horror and also of the legend of the vampire, it's surprising to find just how much of the vampire legend grew from this very novel. Sure, there were vampire stories before Dracula, but none have captured the imaginations of so many people like it has. So as a study of the history of vampires in fiction, it's great, but as a story itself, it sucks.

Still, I can't advise not to read it. It's Dracula! It's a classic. Just don't expect much when it comes to the end of the story. Save yourself the disappointment.

View all my reviews

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

10 Movie Musicals That Don't Suck

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Hey, everybody. Check out my article on movie musicals that DON'T suck. Since so many of them do. Check it out here.

Friday, December 21, 2012

My Top Nine Favorite Movies of 2012 (Yes, Nine)

It must be that time of year again. That time when I release all my angst and fluids (Eww), fluids as in tears (Oh) talking about my favorite movies of the year. You may wonder why there are only nine entries here instead of ten. Well, being that I haven't seen Django Unchained yet, which I'm sure would make the list somewhere, I'm keeping it to an odd nine. I'm sure Django, if it's anything like Taranatino's last couple of efforts, would probably land at around five or six, so consider it landing there. As for the rest of these films, well, they're the creme-de-la-cream, the bees knees, the best of the entire year. You may disagree, and you're welcome to your opinion, but remember, I've seen thousands of movies and have awesome taste, so if not one of these movies made your list, then YOUR taste in movies sucks, not mine. Okay, now on with it!

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9. The Amazing Spider-Man

The greatest Spider-Man movie of all time, The Amazing Spider-Man is the first film in the web-head's cinematic career where I think the director got it all right. Andrew Garfield's casting as Peter Parker was perfect, and the action scenes with The Lizard were stellar. This movie actually FELT like Spider-Man. It also didn't stumble on corny moments like forcing Peter Parker to dance down the street, or embarrassing falsehoods, like the webbing being part of Spider-Man's DNA. This movie set it all straight. Not only that, but it was a genuinely good film. For an origin story, it was quick paced and different from the original trilogy to make it feel like a necessary substitute. I can't wait for number two. Bring on Electro!

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8. Argo

Argo is a phenomenal thriller (Though, I'm not sure I trust its accuracy) that fully proves that Ben Affleck is a better director than he ever was an actor. He has talent. What makes this film so enjoyable is that the "facts" come second to actually telling a good story, and it's a film that's as edge-of-your-seat exciting as it is comical--John Goodman and Alan Arkin are hilarious. Ar-go f**k yourself! 

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7. Cabin in the Woods

Cabin in the Woods is probably the most fun I've had all year in the theater, and it isn't surprising as Joss Whedon had a hand in writing this with first time filmmaker, Drew Goddard. And Joss Whedon is always fun. Taking all of the horror tropes and lovingly turning them on their head (Or is that making fun of?), Cabin in the Woods builds and builds to an outrageous climax that is unlike anything I've ever seen before. And as a fan of the horror genre, it was fun counting all the shout-outs and in-jokes that kept popping up. This movie was a blast. A sequel, please. 

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6. The Grey

Coming out super early in the year, I've had The Grey on my mind since January. You just can't shake a film like that out of your head. Featuring the scariest plane crash I've ever seen put to film, the movie tackles everything from survival to searching for God in Hell. It's unlike any other film I've seen all year, and it's also probably the most abjectly depressing. See more of my thoughts on it here. I gave it a much more thorough review.

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5. Lincoln 

Though I question its historical truth, Lincoln is an epic, honest-to-God great movie from Steven Spielberg that doesn't get too maudlin or fantastic. It's a perfect blend of both War Horse's melodrama and Schindler's List's seriousness. In other words, Spielberg hits that sweet spot of a commercially enjoyable, but critically important film that the Academy just eats up. I ate it up, too. Daniel Day Lewis was of course magnificent, and the pacing of this film is impeccable. Not once did I feel like it dragged on, which is quite an accomplishment. A thoroughly enjoyable movie. I just wouldn't count it as a history lesson. Some of it seemed pretty embellished. I don't know how much I trust.

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4. The Avengers

The Avengers is a landmark film in the superhero genre because it actually managed to pull off a collaboration of some of the biggest names of the Marvel roster. Honestly, after this came out, I couldn't help but believe that the sky was the limit for Marvel. Finally, the movies actually felt like the comics I grew up with. I was elated! That said, comics aside, the movie itself is just so much fun. Each member of the team feels like they get their moment to shine, but again, you can find out more of my opinion here, as I already wrote a review for that picture, too. I had a busy year. :)

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3. Dredd 3D

Dredd 3D may not have been better than The Dark Knight or The Avengers in terms of quality, but it's now become my favorite comic book movie of all time. I can't help it, I think of this movie pretty much every day. It was a good year to be a fan of comics, and Dredd 3D is my primary reason for saying that, since The Dark Knight Rises certainly disappointed. This movie made up for that cinematic stain. What made this film so memorable was the fact that unlike all other superhero movies, Judge Joseph Dredd never felt like a superhero at all in this film, which differs greatly from the bombastic original with Sly Stallone. In this movie, Dredd is just another cog in the machine who stands firmly behind his principles. He doesn't have to scream that he's the law, because he is the law, and that's it. His gun does the rest of the talking. Dredd 3D feels like a very grungy version of the original Die Hard and I love that it mostly takes place in a single area, just like this year's The Raid Redemption. Dredd's character never changes throughout the entire film, but that's what makes him so badass. I don't know, I could talk forever about this movie and I expect to receive it in the mail soon to review, so I'll post it when I get it. Stay tuned. I still have a lot to say about it.

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2. The Master

After Paul Thomas Anderson's last clear masterpiece, There Will Be Blood, I fully expected to be blown away yet again. But I wasn't. By the time I left the theater, I was left with more questions than feelings of excitement. I really didn't think I liked the film at all. But then, I thought about it, and I played it in my head again and again. I took a step back and really looked at it, just as Joaquin Phoenix's character looks at the window in the picture. Phoenix's troubled character tried to find something in the window and he only found himself. And that's what the film made me feel. I had a lot of self-reflection for weeks after I saw this movie, and for a film to actually make me feel lost in myself, well, that says a hell of a lot. I don't know if I could watch it again and again like I do with There Will Be Blood, but I think my initial viewing was enough. It's a film that truly sears and sticks with you. It's a masterpiece, just a different kind. It's art.

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1. Silver Linings Playbook

Silver Linings Playbook is the perfect movie, and I don't say that lightly. It has it all. Just like pizza is the perfect food, this movie just has everything to offer. I laughed. A lot. I cried. In secret. (During Robert DeNiro's part telling Bradley Cooper's character how he just wants to spend time with him. That part had me dabbing my eyes). It made me feel awkward, and it made me feel uplifted. Honestly, this film has it all. I don't understand how this film isn't making more best-of lists, but it's not, and it's a shame. I think it's because it's more a comedy than anything else, but it's a damn good comedy with astounding pacing and a jarring style of direction that mimics the craziness going on in its two main lead's heads. Again, it's the perfect movie and my pick for the best film of 2012. Go see it.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Review: Total Recall [Blu-Ray]

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Here's my review of the recent Total Recall. That movie is balls. Check out my review here.

Sunday, December 16, 2012

25 Pictures of Celebrities With Double Chins

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I can't believe they actually let me write this piece at Complex. Well, they did, and you can check it out here. It's 25 celebrities with double chins. Hope you enjoy it. I sure enjoyed finding the pictures for it.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

The Last of Us Looks Sick. Siiiick!

Is anybody else as psyched for this game as I am? Sony has had a banner year this year, and I can't wait for this title. It's from Naughty Dog so it has to be good. Uncharted 3 was probably one of my favorite games of last year. This is gonna be awesome.

Monday, December 3, 2012

There Can Only Be One...Black Guy on The Walking Dead

Now, I love me some horror movies, and I've watched quite a few of them in my time. And for anybody who knows anything about the medium, it's been a running gag that if there's ever a black guy in a horror movie, he might as well be wearing a sign on his back that says "Kill me," because he's usually the first to go.

Thus is the genre.

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But The Walking Dead on AMC is an interesting case in that nobody is safe and even popular characters die on the show all the time. Just look at this season (Season 3) as an example. Two major members of the crew died in one episode earlier in the season, with one of them being very popular, and the other being, uh, Lori.

But let's get back to that popular character, because his death has brought an interesting trend along with it. Like Highlander, there can only be one, but by one, I mean black guy on the show. In The Walking Dead, it's usually obvious when that character is going to go because he usually gives some big speech or does something noble before he gets the ax (Or the bite, as is prevalent on this show). Don't believe me. Check this out.

Is season one, we had Morgan and his son. Don't remember him? How about now?
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Still no? How about now?

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Yeah, this scene where Morgan struggled with trying to build the courage to kill his zombified wife was a crucial reason why the first season was so great. So Rick stayed with the man and his son, and then he left. And then...well, we never heard from him again.

Enter T-Dog.

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Not long after Rick left Morgan, we got the "Aww, hell nawl!" spewing T-Dog to take his place. T-Dog, by the way, is played by a guy named IronE, and no, that E isn't capital by accident. His name is meant to sound like the word "Irony." I like to emphasize the E though, so it sounds like Iron E!!! Anywho, T-Dog was mostly a bungling black guy who dropped a key down a hole, and didn't do much of anything. That is, of course, until one crucial episode in season three, where he gave a major speech about why the new criminals they encountered should be trusted rather than kept as outcasts. This was obviously his death speech, because the sight of two black men on the screen at once was too much for the zombie apocalypse to handle. Oh, well, peace out T-Dog.

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Enter the next token black guy.

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Now, I don't even know what this guy's name is, but the fact of the matter is, he pretty much became an official member the day T-Dog died. And, spoiler alert, just last night, the guy who played Dennis "Cutty" Wise on The Wire entered the show clocking zombies on the head with a hammer, and, yep, you guessed it, forgettable black prisoner gets shot and killed protecting his new crew.

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Yep, there can only be one. Let's see how long this guy lasts.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Review: Taiko

Taiko: An Epic Novel of War and Glory in Feudal JapanTaiko: An Epic Novel of War and Glory in Feudal Japan by Eiji Yoshikawa

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

So, I finally finished Eiji Yoshikawa's "Taiko" and what can I say? It's a beautifully written book of war and glory that focuses mainly on two famous generals in Japanese history-Nobunaga and Hideyoshi. Honestly, I've heard of Nobunaga from the video game series, "Nobunaga's Ambition," but I wasn't familiar with Hideyoshi, who is the focal character of this book, until I read about him here. And man, this guy could talk his way out of anything. He'd turn enemies into lifelong companions, and with such humility and kindness that it would seem outright genuine. Who knows? Hideyoshi, as shown in this book, just might have been. The author, Yoshikawa, never makes Hideyoshi seem like he had ulterior motives, and instead paints him as an ambitious man who rose from nothing and became the man who shaped Japan. It's an inspiring and wonderful read.

That said, it's not as good as "Musashi," which Yoshikawa also wrote. There are too many scenes of war in this book, and too many battles on display. It gets a little tiresome in the middle, and you actually crave more quiet time with the characters. Amidst all the violence, those are the highlights.

There are also a lot of Japanese names being thrown around here, and as a historical text, I know they're important, but I liked the focus more on one or two characters in "Musashi." "Taiko" is a very broad book, while "Musashi" was a much smaller one in scope with a larger than life central protagonist. I liked that honed in focus more.

Still, "Taiko" is a must-read. If you love reading about Japanese history in the feudal times and have also read the James Clavell novels, then you should definitely pick up this book. But, if you have a choice, read "Taiko" first and then "Musashi." You'll be all the better for it.

View all my reviews

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Monday, November 19, 2012

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Here are, in my opinion, the greatest Playstation 2 games of all time. Find the list here. Do you agree with my top ten?

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Review [Blu-Ray]: The Astonishing X-Men: Unstoppable

(Image taken from It's decent, but I don't know if it's worth a purchase. See my review for the disc here.

Monday, November 12, 2012

Why the Wii U Will Probably Do Really Well

A lot of people are doubting the Wii U, and I have a few doubts myself. But I should really have more faith in the Big N since they usually tend to come out on top in the end. Check out this Iconographic if you don't believe me. It's pretty damn impressive. Let's go, Nintendo!

Thursday, November 8, 2012

The Darkness of the Womb Links

Hey, everybody. For those who don't know, I've written a book called The Darkness of the Womb. See the logo to your left, homies.

I've put everything I've got into this story and I hope you could spread the word about it. It would really mean a lot. I have a website for it here, a facebook page here, where I put up brand new content (Please like the page!), and a separate blog  for the story here. Again, please support! Thanks, y'all. Who loves you, baby?

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Sad But True: Star Wars Won't Seem Like Star Wars Without Lucas' Deep Involvement

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Fact: George Lucas pretty much tarnished his entire legacy with the "always intended" prequels to his mega-hit Star Wars with Episodes I-III.

Another fact: Jar Jar Binks shall always be the biggest stain on Lucas' career, besides the ketchup stain on his flannel shirt.

All that considered, with Disney recently acquiring Lucasfilm for a staggering 4 ba-ba-ba-ba billion (That's ba-billion with a ba) dollars, something just doesn't feel right. Especially since Disney has announced that they're going ahead with making another Star Wars trilogy, this one taking place after Episodes IV-VI.

Now, from what I've gathered, this new trilogy is supposed to be a bit darker than the "It hurts my eyes" CG disasters that were Episodes I-III. This new trilogy is also supposed to be based on a treatment that Lucas wrote that may or may not feature Luke Skywalker in his 30's and 40's. Even so, a new Star Wars trilogy, even if it would suck horribly in his hands, just doesn't seem right not being under the all-seeing eye of George Lucas. God is to mankind as George Lucas is to Star Wars. And while that might seem sacrilegious (Or is it sacrilicious?) to make such a comparison, I think it's apropos when thinking about what a landmark film Star Wars was to cinema. Lucas is pretty much the God of Hollywood. What other director, even with so many mistakes, holds as much clout as he does? Nobody, that's who! That's why he's Hollywood's God.

So, for Lucas to retire off to Tatooine or Florida or wherever else he plans to retire and not have direct contact with this next trilogy, well, it just seems so wrong. I think I'd rather have Lucas make another bad trilogy than for somebody else to take the wheel, even if it's as good as Episodes V and VI. I mention these two SW's because they were arguably the best of all of the films, and also the only two that Lucas didn't direct. That said, Lucas still has to be directly involved! It wouldn't be Star Wars without him. It just wouldn't!

But maybe I'm just a Lucas loyalist, even though I hated Episodes I-III beyond measure. I think I just like him as a person. He IS donating his $4 billion to education, after all. I kind of don't want to see him disappear into the pasture. What are your thoughts, though? Is the world of Star Wars better without him in it? Leave comments below.

Oh, and just as a reminder...

Monday, October 29, 2012

Review: Magic Mike [Blu-Ray]

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I can't believe I'm saying this, but there should have been some male nudity in this movie. It wasn't believable without it. Check out my review of the blu-ray here.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Review: The Campaign [Blu-Ray]

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Check out my review of The Campaign. It's a good movie! Find it here.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Check It Out With Dr. Steve Brule Season 1 And 2 [DVD Review]

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Here's my review of another Tim and Eric production. It sucks pretty hard. Check it out here.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

The 15 Craziest Moments in Tekken History

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For all its clout in the fighting game industry, Tekken is one bat-shit crazy series. From the tangled family history, to the strange win animations, to the just out there endings, being the king of the Iron fist tournament will forever be something to be both proud and embarrassed of at the same time. And with Tekken Tag Tournament 2 now out, we can only imagine what we’re going to be able to partake in next as we fight to the bitter end against a wrestler wearing a leopard mask. Boy, oh, boy, Tekken sure is nuts.

15. An announcer announces when you pick up chicken

In Tekken 4’s Force Mode, you basically beat up bad guys to your heart’s content. And like most beat-em-ups, there’s chicken that appears on the ground that helps you regain your health, which is weird in of itself. But Tekken, as always, has to take it one step further in the weird department by actually making an announcement when you pick up said chicken. There are also “bi-kaws!” and other strange chicken noises that occur when you obtain them. It’s…we don’t even know what to say.

14. Heihachi drops his son into a volcano

The storyline of Tekken doesn’t make any sense. Most fighting game stories don’t make any sense, but Tekken seems to go out of its way to be as absurd as possible. Case in point, Heihachi’s ending in Tekken 2. After defeating his son, Kazuya, Heihachi takes his son’s presumably dead body and drops it in a volcano. Why he couldn’t just cremate him the normal way is beyond us. But you know what? Rising from a furnace as a devil just isn’t as cool as rising from a volcano. So good, job, Namco. You’ve got us there.

13. A Tree Has Tits

Mokujin is one of those characters who has no specific move list of their own and instead apes other characters every round. And up until Tekken 6, Mokujin also had no gender. But in Tekken 6, Mokujin became a, um, a woman, we guess, as she sprouted boobs and everything. That’s right, a tree…with boobs. We haven’t been this disturbed since we saw Howard the Duck with its naughty duck tits scene. Why someone would give any creature, besides a woman, breasts, is beyond us.

12. King is a man, but he makes leopard noises

From what we know, King is a man who wears a leopard mask. But if that’s the case, then why does he make LEOPARD NOISES? Every time he does a cool wrestling move, he starts growling. It’s almost as if there’s a leopard head UNDERNEATH his leopard head. It’s kind of creepy, actually. It keeps us up at night.

11. Yoshimitsu’s mere existence

Bringing a sword to a fist fight? That’s pretty messed up. But that’s just Yoshimitsu’s thing. But that’s not even the strange part. The strange part is, well, where do we begin? Besides the fact that he can fly with his sword and stab himself as a move, he also spins around so much in a given battle that he even makes us sick just watching him. He would later go on to also be featured in the weapon-based fighter, Soulcalibur, but he doesn’t fit there, either. In fact, if anything, he fits even LESS in that game, as it’s an historical title, and Yoshimitsu looks like an alien no matter how you dress him up. Poor guy. He just doesn’t fit anywhere. 

10. P-Jack blasts off into outer space

P-Jack is a character that just makes us laugh. From his egg-beater spinning hands, to the way he pounds his chest so hard that he falls backward, still pounding, the ‘ol Prototype is just built for comedy. Probably our favorite thing the big metal lug has ever done is raise his hands up as if he’s being robbed, only to float up into the sky as if he’s going to visit Curiosity on Mars. Uh…what? 

9. Dr. Boskonovitch spends about half of his rounds on the ground

Good ‘ol Dr. B. Besides the fact that he’s one of the most hardcore Tekken characters ever, he’s also one of the clumsiest, as he spends half the match either on his back or on his face. To the seasoned vet, he’s a powerhouse, but to the first time player, he’s almost unplayable. We like seeing him spring forward to a faceplant. Classy, Namco. Real classy.

8. In Tekken, both kangaroos and dinosaurs are free to fight

Alex and Roger are a dinosaur and a kangaroo, respectively. And they wear boxing gloves. And we’re okay with that. That just goes to show that we’ve been playing Tekken for far too long. But wait a minute. They made their first appearance in only the second game! We gamers sure do accept a lot of nonsense. 

7. Jin’s “accident”

Jin Kazama and Asuka are cousins. And yet, Jin “accidently” faceplants himself right between Asuka’s breasts. We’re not really sure how we’re supposed to feel about this, so we’re just going to chalk it up to the fact that this is Tekken, and in the world of Tekken, you don’t ask questions. You just sit and stare. 

6. Heihachi’s father has a mouth in his stomach

Jinpachi is Heihachi’s father, technically making him Jin Kazama’s great-grandfather. So he’s a pretty old dude out there still kicking ass, but that’s not even why he’s on this list. What makes him bizarre is the gaping, biting mouth that he has for a stomach. Why is it there? Uh, because stomachs with mouths in them are cool? Duh. 

5. Lee’s scenes in Tekken: Blood Vengeance

In the game, Lee doesn’t seem like such a weird character. We mean, he’s not Alex or Mokujin. But in the recent movie, Tekken: Blood Vengeance, Lee is probably one of the weirdest characters we’ve ever seen, as he’s giving random thumbs up and calling young girls his “kittens.” It’s a trip.

(Unfortunately, this video has been removed. Sorry, folks. It really is ridiculous.)

4. Kuma skips backward

Kuma is probably our favorite Tekken character. He’s undoubtedly had some of the weirdest endings in Tekken history and it’s just fun to watch a bear wearing sneakers and a red t-shirt. But probably our favorite bizarre moment from Kuma is when he puts his hands on his hips, turns around, and starts skipping backwards like a little girl doing Double Dutch. It’s totally ridiculous and one of the funniest things we’ve ever seen. It gets us every time.  

3. Gon goes on an adventure again and again and again

Gon is one of those strange Tekken characters who only appeared on the home consoles and only in Tekken 3. That said, in a string of outlandish Tekken characters, he’s probably the weirdest of them all. He’s a small orange dinosaur that’s almost impossible to hit, and oh yeah, his ending is an infinite loop where he goes flying off a dolphin, rolling through a forest, landing on a bird, and then, trying to fly himself, only to fall into the ocean and doing it all again. And again. And again! It’s the repetition that truly disturbs us.

2. Paul prepares to battle aliens

The outlandish endings in Tekken have always been a staple, but none (besides the number one entry) has ever been stranger than Paul’s in Tekken 5 where he makes a challenge to all aliens in the known galaxy. Punching the alien’s face on the wall was ridiculous, but then, when we actually SEE the aliens coming down to accept said challenge. Well, that’s just ridiculous. Dafuq kind of game are we playing here?

1.      1. Kuma proposes to Panda
Out of all the strange, wonderful, what-the-hell moments in Tekken history, Kuma’s proposition of love to Panda is probably the strangest of them all (Yes, even stranger than his space adventure in his ending of Tekken 6). This was the single moment where we just threw up our hands and said, alright, we give up. Tekken is the craziest game we have every played. We accept it. And we haven’t looked back since. 

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Arachnophobia Review [Blu-Ray]

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Here's my review of the horrible, horrible movie Arachnophobia, which was recently released on Blu-Ray. Check it out here.

Friday, September 28, 2012

The Avengers [Blu-Ray] Review

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The Avengers is probably my favorite movie of 2012. See my review of the Blu-Ray disc here.

Monday, September 24, 2012

Why Breaking Bad and Not Homeland Should Have Won Best Drama

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I have nothing against the show Homeland. I mean, I don't find it interesting--The two or three episodes I saw didn't grip me--but there are a lot of shows I don't enjoy but still respect, like Mad Men. It's good enough, I guess. The critics like it. That's fine.

But there is no way Homeland should have won best drama last night at the Emmys. Not in a million years. When you have a show like Breaking Bad, which until last half-season, had the best season in television history with season 4, there really is no competition. In fact, while watching season 4, I had a giddy smile on my face the entire time since I knew it was finally going to be BB's year to win best drama. How could it not when it was changing the landscape of television forever with the war between Gus and Walt?

But then, it didn't win, and mostly because the new flavor of the year was around. What bull! The same thing happened with Lost on its first season. Granted, the first season of that show was pretty damn good, but best drama of the year? I'm not going to go to those lengths.

The problem is that the Emmys never award the best show when it comes to drama. The Wire, which is undoubtedly the second greatest show in history after Breaking Bad, never won best drama, either, which doesn't make any sense. Years from now, people will look at BB the same way they look at The Wire, which is as the textbook definition of greatness. With comedy, the Emmys are usually spot-on--Arrested Development would win constantly, even though it didn't do well ratings wise--but drama, not so much. It's as bad as the Academy Awards when it comes to judging in that field. The judges suck.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

What smells worse when not washed for a day? Armpits or crotches?

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It's the age old question: What smells worse when you don't shower for a day, your armpits or your crotch? I think the answer differs for males and females. Since females don't fart, have BO, or do number 2 (Scientific fact), they can probably go days, or even months, without bathing. In fact, if I were a female reader of this post (I know there might be at least one of you out there), I would try it. How long can you go without bathing and still get away with it in public? I think the answer may surprise you!

But for men, the answer is not so crystal clear. Unbeknownst to women (Or at least my wife), a man's balls (Or, bawls, as the intellectuals like to call them) start to smell REALLY bad if you don't wash them for longer than a day. In fact, according to research I've done after RPG marathons, I've found that my man purse smells about 80% more if it sits in my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles briefs for more than 24 hours. Eighty percent! That's a high figure!

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But wait! There's more! I've also realized though that my pits smell pretty vile, too, if I don't wash them as well, even with Old Spice coating them. After a day, the stink molecules start to build up and collect until not even my own mother would hug me. That's pretty bad!

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So, what's the answer then? Well, I'm going to have to go with my downtown district. You see, maybe it's the underwear I'm wearing, or maybe it's the fact that I work out, but it can get quite sweaty in the region and it's also smothered up. So the answer is that China smells worse when you don't bathe for a day, not Canada. Now aren't you glad you read this piece? No, well, you read it, and you can't unread it. Sorry.


 For all those following along, the comics section of my book, The Darkness of the Womb, gets updated every week around noon on Sunday's. The latest chapter is up. Please give it a gander here.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

The Darkness of the Womb

The website for my book, The Darkness of the Womb, has some new comics and podcasts up. Check it out here.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Review: Judge Dredd [Blu-Ray]

(Image taken from:

Hey, everybody. Check out my review of the original Judge Dredd movie here. I gave it four stars out of five. I'm dead serious. Read the review and find out why.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

The Pitch (Can anybody tell me how to improve it?)

The Darkness of the Womb

Speculative fiction
62,000 Words

Unborn child, Aiden Haunt, is destined to be the messiah. There’s only one problem. He doesn’t want to be born. As he rests in his mother’s womb, he dreams all day on the Tree of Life where he sees his future and wants no part of it. So he throws himself from the tree, only to be saved by one of the many storks that inhabit this world called the Internal Landscape. The Landscape is a dangerous place governed by Lords Imagination, Logic, Purpose, and Instinct. It exists within all people at the center of the human brain. 

Meanwhile, in the world we live in outside the mind, Jeff and Marigold Haunt are first-time, soon-to-be-parents in their late 40s. This baby means everything to them as Marigold has suffered miscarriage after miscarriage over the years. But ever since she became pregnant, Marigold has been hearing voices, and after a dangerous fall down the stairs, she lands brain dead in a coma. This leaves Jeff heartbroken at losing the love of his life. He commits suicide.

But death is not the end. Both Marigold and Jeff are now caught in the Internal Landscape along with their unborn child, Aiden, who is being held captive by Lord Imagination. Aiden still wants no part of being born, and if not for Imagination keeping him asleep until his parents reach him, the child would have miscarried himself long ago. Imagination wants the parents to convince Aiden to want to be born, since Marigold’s body is still alive, even if her brain isn’t. 

Lord Logic doesn’t want this to happen. Forever rivals with Lord Imagination, she fears what the fate of mankind could be if Imagination promotes this child to be a messiah. Banding with Lord Purpose, she fights to stop the parents from ever reaching their child, but what can stop a mother’s love? 

Opening words

Aiden Haunt turned over in his cradle.
He dug his cheek into his pillow and pulled up his blanket to shelter himself from the whistling breeze and hide from the birds circling below him around the Tree of Life.
From the tree grew a million limbs, and on each rocked cradles. Enormous birds circled the tree and picked up the babies when their mothers were ready to give birth to them.
It was on the highest limb that gently rocked Aiden’s cradle that the gargantuan bird with the gangling legs, spindly neck, and a bill just as long came to perch. Aiden couldn’t see the bird because his eyes were closed, but he felt its presence weigh down on the branch. The bird was early; several months so, actually, but Aiden had known this day would come