Thursday, June 30, 2011

The More Polite Review of Eletkra Luxx

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You want to know a good movie about porn? Boogie Nights. Everything about that film just makes me want to buy a flashy shirt, pull down my dungarees, and get into the industry, shaking what my mama GAVE me. But you want to know a shitty movie about porn? Elektra Luxx. Everything that’s great about Boogie Nights is absent in this film. It’s not even really about porn, even. What a tease!

The Movie: One star out of five

When my editor asked if anybody wanted to review Elektra Luxx, I did a quick search online and found that Joseph Gordon-Levitt was in it. Being a fan of flicks like Inception, Brick, and The Lookout, I was like, hell yeah, I want to watch that shit! That guy doesn’t make bad films! But, man, was I wrong. And now I have to add Mr. Levitt to my list of actors who have let me down most heinously. The man apparently CAN make bad films, and Elektra Luxx is one of the worst. I mean, it’s bad. It’s REALLY bad. So bad, in fact, that I wanted to turn it off within the first five minutes of watching it. And I really should have, too. I only watched the whole damn thing so I could report back to you just how bad it is. Because if it had just been me watching it on my own, I would have fed it to the centipedes in my house by the six-minute mark.

Everything about this films blows. But what angers me the most about it, besides the fact that it’s supposed to be a comedy and it’s woefully unfunny, is the fact that it has some really great talent in it that isn’t even used effectively. For example, enter Joseph Gordon-Levitt. I seriously love the guy. He’s been in some great movies as an adult, but had his first major breakout on the sitcom, Third Rock From the Sun, so I know the guy is funny. So why, then, has he been reduced to screaming almost the entire movie? His role is of an online blogger for a porn site, which sounds funny enough, but it’s not here. Every time he tries to say something to the camera, another annoyance gets in the way, so the entire time he’s yelling at people to shut up or leave him alone. Trust me, it sounds much funnier than it is. Also, one other trait that I get from the guy is that he’s a consummate professional. But at the end of the picture, he actually flubs some of his lines and it’s STILL IN THE MOVIE. How does that happen these days? That’s some Ed Wood nonsense right there.

And speaking of Ed Wood, how about the plot of this clunker? Well, it’s awful! The back of the box says that it’s about a porn star who gets preggers and quits the biz, and yeah, that’s a part of what this movie’s about. A SMALL part. Like, only 10%. The rest of the film is almost like a series of vignettes that really don’t even have any connection to the overall storyline. For example, there’s a side plot with one of the title character’s costars where she becomes a lesbian that has absolutely nothing to do with the plot at all. It doesn’t even make any sense. And then, Julianne Moore makes an uncredited appearance as the Virgin Mary that serves no purpose whatsoever. I can see why her name’s not on the back of the box. What I can’t see, though, is why she would even do this movie. Maybe as a favor? I don’t know.

Honestly, I don’t know if this movie was straight-to-DVD or not, but if it was, then I think it’s an offense to every straight-to-DVD movie that ever came out before it. Elektra Luxx is a train wreck. Don’t watch it. Ever.

The Disc: One star out of five

Special features? What special features? On the back of the box, it says, “Includes Hilarious Deleted Scenes.” But don’t believe it. Of the three (that’s right, three) deleted scenes on here, the one that sticks out the most contains two women making out, quietly, while some nebbish dude watches. And if that soft-core porn-quality crap sounds funny to you, then you MIGHT actually like this film. Not me, though. I like my comedy like I like my porn. Hardcore (TMI, I know). And if you’re like me, then you’ll hate these deleted scenes. They’re too tame. And too unfunny.

Reviewed By: Rich Knight

Elektra Luxx Details
Length: 100 min
Rated: R
Distributor: Myriad Pictures
Release Date: 2011-06-21
Starring: Carla Gugino, Timothy Oylphant, Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Directed by: Sebastian Gutierrez
Produced by: Sebastian Gutierrez
Written by: Sebastian Gutierrez
Visit the Elektra Luxx Official Website

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Keepin' It Rail: The 10 Best Light-Gun Shooters Of All Time

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Here's a recent article I wrote for Complex about light-gun rail shooters. Check it out. Reload! Reload

Impolite Review of Elektra Luxx

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I write for an online pub called Cinemablend. I love it to death. They give me the freedom to write what's on my mind, which is liberating to say the least. But sometimes, I go off the handle. And this is one of those times. You see, I write for the DVD section and was tasked with writing about a clunker called Elektra Luxx. Now, I didn't think it would be good, but I also didn't think it would be THIS awful. But it was. And I wrote a review that's basically me just saying it sucks over and over again in different, more scathing words. This is that review below. You'll see a more polished review soon, but I thought I'd just share the wrath of a critic with you. Hope you enjoy.

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Review: Elektra Luxx
By: Rich Knight

You want to know a good movie about porn? Boogie Nights. Everything about that film just makes me want to buy a flashy shirt, pull down my dungarees and get into the industry, shaking what my mama GAVE me. But you want to know a shitty movie about porn? Elektra Luxx. Everything that’s great about Boogie Nights is absent in this film. It’s not even really about porn, even. What a tease!

The film: One star

When my editor asked if anybody wanted to review Elektra Luxx, I did a quick search online and found that Joseph Gordon-Levitt was in it. Being a fan of flicks like Inception, Brick, and The Lookout, I was like, hell yeah, I want to watch that shit. That guy doesn’t make bad films! But, man, was I wrong. And now I have to add Mr. Levitt on my list of yet another actor who has let me down most heinously. The man apparently CAN make bad films, and Elektra Luxx is one of the worst. I mean, it’s bad. It’s REALLY bad. So bad, in fact, that I wanted to turn it off within the first five minutes of watching it. And I really should have, too. I only watched the whole damn thing so I could report back to you just how bad it is. Because if it had just been me watching it on my own, I would have fed it to the centipedes in my house by the six minute mark. How the hell was this trash even made?

I mean, everything about this films blows. But what angers me the most about it, besides the fact that it’s supposed to be a comedy and it’s woefully unfunny, is the fact that it has some really great talent in it that isn’t even used effectively. Joseph Gordon-Levitt starts the film off doing an awful monologue about the title star of the film, Ms. Luxx. She’s left the porn industry because she’s pregnant. And, well, that’s what the plot’s supposed to be about. But it goes all over the place. On the back of the box, it says, (ahem), “Elektra Luxx… wrestles with a solicitous bride-to-be, an obsessed web streamer (That’s Mr. Gordon-Levitt, by the way), a studly private investigator (Timothy Olyphant), a clothing-challenged neighbor, a criminal twin sister, and even the Virgin Mary (Julianne Moore).” I mean, seriously, would YOU want to watch crap that’s cluttered like that? No, right? I didn’t think so. But you know what? Here’s the REAL kicker on the back of the box—“it’s one hysterical ride with plenty of uninhibited comedy along the way.” All I want to know is, who wrote that and how much were they paid? It must have been a lot, because they’re lies. All lies. In fact, I want to get in on some of that lie money. I might even give up my journalistic integrity to do it.

In fact, here’s my retro review for Plan 9 from Outer Space. Tor Johnson gives the performance of a lifetime as Inspector Dan Clay! And lookout, D W Griffith, as Ed Wood is a director to look out for!! His startling, revelatory new film shines a light on mankind like no other film has before it!!! A visual tour de force!!!!

I mean, I’m sorry to get so far off track with this film, but all I want to do is think about anything BUT Elektra Luxx when talking about it. I don’t know if this movie was straight-to-DVD or not, but God, if it was, it’s an offense to every straight-to-DVD movie that ever came before it. Seriously, Mirrors 2 is better than this garbage. And have you ever seen Mirrors 2? God, that movie’s a trainwreck. But this movie is worse. Way worse. Elektra’s last name doesn’t even have three x’s in it! And shouldn’t it? Isn’t she supposed to be a pron star? C’mon, that was an easy one. Again, I repeat, how was this garbage even made? Barf!

The disc: One star

Sigh, let’s look at the back of the box again, shall we? For special features it says, “Includes Hilarious Deleted Scenes.” Really? Really?! Couldn’t you guys just say “Includes Deleted Scenes”? Why did you have to add lie on top of lie and say that they’re hilarious? The movie itself doesn’t contain a single laugh, so why in the hell would the deleted scenes have any? Does the director even know what comedy is? Or did I just fall asleep during the film and wake up in some alternate dimension and not know it? Do shows like Seinfeld and The Simpsons exist in this alternate dimension? Because one of these “hilarious” deleted scenes contains two women making out, quietly, while some nebbish dude watches. It’s the closest thing to actual softcore porn on here, and even that sucks. Ugh. I hate myself for even watching this. I want my 100 minutes of life back, please. And make it snappy. I don’t have any more time to waste.

Elektra Luxx [DVD] Details
Length: 100 minutes
Rated: R
Distributor: Myriad Pictures
Release Date:
Starring: Carla Gugino, Timothy Oylphant, Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Directed by: Sebastian Gutierrez
Produced by: Sebastian Gutierrez
Written by: Sebastian Gutierrez
Visit the Elektra Luxx website:

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Jazz Sucks

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Back in my senior year in college, I took a class on Jazz just so I could get a better understanding of it. And even though I did in fact learn to appreciate artists like Coltrane and Parker, I still came out of it thinking one thing: Jazz sucks.

And here's the problem with it.

The musicians who play it seem to think that it's still important. In a sense, it WAS important. One of the only true things that America can brag about and say that it created was jazz music. And it opened the door for other better music like rock and roll and rap. Really, though, anybody who plays jazz today is a relic that looks like this:

It really is a joke.

But remember, I'm talking about the kind of jazz that most people associate it with when they hear the title. That's not to say that ALL jazz is awful. Herbie Hancock's Future Shock is actually really awesome, mostly, because it doesn't sound like jazz at all. It sounds like early dance music. Take a listen.

It's a good example of jazz fusion. But everything is better with fusion. Metroid. V8 Splash. Jazz. I mean, fusions improve everything. It's kind of hard for jazz to NOT be better without it, really.

So, on that note, I'm going to leave you with the only real jazz musician that I can tolerate and not have a shit fit over. SHOOBY!

Saturday, June 25, 2011

You Know What? Netflix Can Go to Hell

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Am I a satisfied customer of Netflix? Hell no, I'm not a satisfied customer of Netflix! Netflix can go and eat some rancid, old man's booty hole. Not once, but TWICE now have they sent me garbage in the mail. And I'm not just talking about their suggestions for me (Though, those are pretty bad, too). I'm talking about discs that keep on skipping endlessly at the best parts. First, it was with Twin Peaks, which is finally streaming now, thank God. And now, it's with Boogie Nights, which ISN'T streaming now, by God.

Damn, don't you guys ever check your DVDs before you send them back out to people? Some guy might have rubbed his greasy genitals all over the disc and then, scratched it like Africa Bambaataa. But it's not like YOU guys would ever know. Because all YOU guys ever do is just mail it out to the next sucker on the queue without even checking if there's any damage. Well, you know what? FUNK DAT! You guys blow the big one.

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And you know what ELSE sucks? I just bought a brand new phone. A Droid, no less. And guess what? Netflix doesn't even WORK on it. That's right, readers. They're such a piece of sheet company, that their garbage doesn't even support it. Back on my old iPhone, Netflix skipped on it like crazy. And now, on my new Droid, it doesn't even function. What a load of crap. If this happens one more time, I'm switching back to Blockbuster. Their selection might suck, but at least they're reliable.

But what do YOU think I should do? Suggestions are always welcomed.

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Wednesday, June 22, 2011

The 25 Best Video Games of 2011 (So Far)

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Here's an article I wrote with two others. The title says it all:

Monday, June 20, 2011

The Top Ten Best Producers Who Can Rap

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Or maybe, this article should be titled, the top ten rappers behind the boards. Either way, it'd be foolish for anybody to say that rap could be good without the beats. Just look at the rapper Canibus. His debut album back in, what was it, 1997, should have been legendary. But it wasn't. And you know why? Because the production on it was soft. Never mind the fact that the lyrics were some of his sharpest ever.

So it's all the more impressive to find a rapper who is skilled on the mic AND can tear it up on the mixing boards. Because usually, it's one of the other. You have the great rapper who does a decent job at producing (See: Eminem), or the excellent producer who does a moderate to poor job at rapping (See: Kanye West). But these ten. These ten are mint. See if you agree with them. And if you don't, go f%*# ya'self (Sorry, it's the hip-hop in me).

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10. Timbaland

You might find this entry gag-worthy. But as horrible a rapper as Timbaland is, and he IS pretty horrible, I'd actually say that he's a better rapper than Kanye--who you'll find didn't even make this list since he's such an awful rapper. What works for Timbaland is that his beats, even when they're for somebody else, always seem to fit his easy-going flow. His thick voice just seems to work, and it makes for some pretty cohesive tunes when he actually gets on the mic. I approve.

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9. Pete Rock

As known for his jazzy beats as he is for his quick, boppity flow, Pete Rock is old school supreme. His lyrics may not be on par with some of the later rappers on this list, but his voice just works over his upbeat tempos and drums. Take a listen.

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8. The Beatnuts

Psycho Les and JuJu may not have ever reached the height of popularity that they were searching for, but their sometimes playful, but mostly times dirty, beats and lyrics were always something to look forward to when they were in their prime. Below is probably their most famous song. How could you not bop your head to that beat and smile with those lyrics ("Yo, it's better to take, then to receive")? No, I'm really asking you. How could you not? It's hot.

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7. Dr. Dre

You may be wondering how a legend like Dr. Dre is so low on this list. Well, here's the thing about Dre. His production is some of the most solid in the business, as his 70s G-Funk sound somehow transformed to become popular even today. But as for his rapping? Well, if Dre has any other talent besides production, it's surrounding himself with rappers who can really make him look good. Slinging lyrics with Snoop or Eminem boosted his own cred, and he didn't sound that bad, either. But that's only because some of his stuff was ghostwritten, and the other stuff that wasn't was genuine hard work to not sound awful in comparison to his guests. For that, he lands at number 7. But it's definitely a respectable 7.

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6. Madlib

Madlib has always said that he considers himself a producer first and a rapper last. That's fine. But damn, man, as Lord Quas, you're sick as hell, brother. Even if it DOES sound like you just sucked up all the helium in a balloon, your flow is impeccable. And your beats are as soulful and as jittery as they come. It works. Take a listen.

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5. El-P

El-P, formerly of Company Flow, makes beats for aliens. His space age sounds made Can Ox's The Cold Vein the greatest rap album of all time, and his overall sound is ridiculous. Oh, and his raps, jeez. Sometimes, you need to get a dictionary just to understand what the hell he's talking about. El-P was nerd rap before nerd rap even had a title to it. And for that, he lands on this list. Zap!

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4. J Dilla

Gone but NEVER forgotten, J Dilla was like the perfect mix of lyricism and beats. His flow was silky. I don't know how else to put it. And his beats just complimented him or anybody else he produced for, from Tribe to Ghost. His Slum Village work is still legendary. RIP, Jay Dee.

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3. The Rza

NOBODY sounded like the Rza in his prime, both lyrically and beat wise. He pretty much created an empire as the leader of the Clan with his songsmanship, and his flow is the strangest thing since Kool Keith hit the scene. If uniqueness alone could be monetized, then Rza's face should be on the highest form of currency that's available. Even his lisp was awesome, and how many other rappers can you say that about?

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2. MF Doom

Or just plain 'ol Doom these days, drop the MF (Silly!), the metal faced villain is a sampling god. You think Kanye is good? Pfft. Kanye ain't shit compared to how far Doom is willing to go to get his samples. Sometimes, he uses jazz hooks. Other times, he uses prog rock samples. And sometimes, well, jeez, I don't even KNOW where he gets some of his samples from. But they're always genius, and they always sound brilliant. And yo, peep this. Doom has collaborated with both Madlib AND Danger Mouse, and managed to have albums that sounded better when he produced without them. Now THAT'S clout. And his rhymes are beyond perfect. His flow is immaculate. Only one rapper/producer is better than ol' Metal Fingers. And I stand by the man to my dying day.

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1. Necro

Necro's beats are sadistic. They're brutal. They're bonecrushing, and they fit his evil lyrics to a tee. No other rapper on this list is as musically gifted as Necro, and that's the truth. He can play electric guitar with the best of them, and other instruments as well. And his sampling ranges from horror to snuff to straight out porno. It's definitely the most diverse you'll ever hear. And you may think I'm nuts to say this, but I even think he's the best rapper on this list as well, as everything he's ever done has been classic. Every single line. From his very first album to his current one, Necro is king of both production and lyricism. Die!

Hyrule Hater: "Legend of Zelda's" Top Ten Most Shameful Moments

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Find my article on The Legend of Zelda's Link's most shameful moments here:

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Review: The Island [Blu-Ray]

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Mr. Michael Bay and I have a pretty lopsided relationship. One minute, I want to embrace the man tenderly and whisper in his ear, “Well done, sir, well done,” when he makes movies like Bad Boys and The Rock. And the next, I hope he gets run over by Optimus Prime when he makes movies like Pearl Harbor and Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. With The Island, I’m kind of on the fence with how I feel about the man. But I’m probably more on the side of him getting hit by a Mack truck than whispering sweet nothings into his ear. It really does teeter more on the crappier side, it does.

The Movie: Two and a half stars out of five

The Island is awesome…in theory. And you know you’re in trouble when you’re talking about theory in a Michael Bay movie. The problem is this -- Michael Bay shouldn’t have made this film in the first place. It should have been handled by someone with more finesse at meshing deeper issues with action. Like Darren Aronofsky. Or Matthew Vaughn. But not Michael Bay. Michael Bay is good at making things go “kaboom!” or, if you’re lucky, “kablammo!” But not in making you think, which The Island does, but not in a positive way. It’s more in a “This topic is much deeper than the film itself” kind of way, and that’s a shame, since the story had so much potential. It really could have been something great if it was handled by someone more skilled.

The story deals with clones. And while you might think that’s a spoiler if you’ve never seen the movie before, please don’t. It says it right on the back of the box. “…But when they discover they’re actually clones…” Way to go, back of the box. Anyway, now that that’s out the bag, these clones, played by Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson, escape from a sterile compound. It was there that their bodies were meant to be harvested to prolong the lives of rich people who paid good money for them. Again, it’s a really cool concept, but the execution is poor as all get out. And the main problem is Bay. He sets up a really interesting story but then dilutes it with needless car chases involving dumbbells falling out of the back of a vehicle, and hover cycles, even though this is supposed to be 2019. Apparently, clones will be fully functional in a little more than a decade (I’m counting on 2005 time, when this film was released), and motorcycles can fly. Dude, you totally broke the Back to the Future 2 rule. You made a film that’s supposed to be super futuristic but set it within our lifetimes. Why?

What also sucks about the film is all the wasted talent in here. Michael Clarke Duncan, Djimon Hounsou, Steve f’n Buscemi? Talent across the board, and you stick them with flaccid roles that anybody could fill? Again, Mr. Bay, why? It seems like a waste hiring such talented people for a movie that ultimately fails as both an action film (it’s too slow) and as a thought-provoking sci-fi flick (there’s too much excessive action involved). All-star casts have rarely been so misused. It really is a shame.

But that’s not to say that the film is a total wash. There is potential here in The Island, especially in the ideas that are floating around in it. The concept of the Island itself being a supposed Shangri-La of for the clones, only to turn out to be a killing floor, is fascinating. And the movie actually does shine in the action sequences, as the chases are enthralling. But when put together, the movie as a whole is a confused mess and it needs to be put to sleep. Michael Bay, stick with talking robots that can turn into automobiles, please. It suits you. And leave the real sci-fi to the pros. Thanks, Mr. Bay. You’re the best.

The Disc: Two stars out of five

Just once, I wish a director would have the balls like Joel Schumacher to apologize for his movie on the DVD commentary. And while The Island is nowhere NEAR Batman and Robin suckitude, I still wish Michael Bay apologized for ruining an awesome story. But no, all we get instead is a commentary full of empty air, as Bay goes on and on about the making of the film, with him livening up just a teensy bit when talking about the action. Otherwise, it’s worthless. Even a fan of the film might not find much to take out of it (other than his one admittance that the marketing for the film could have been better, which it could have).

Also on the disc is “The Future in Action,” which shows the exciting car-chase scene. And, well, that’s pretty much it. “The Making of The Island,” features some scenes from “The Future in Action” featurette, and, well, it’s boring. Ewan McGregor puts me to sleep. Finally, there’s “Pre-visualization: Forward Thinking,” which talks about they had to do to make the movie seem futuristic, but not too futuristic, being that the movie takes place in 2019, after all. Overall, the special features suck, and the only reason that I’m not giving it one star is because fans of the film might like them, but not enough to swoon over. This Blu-ray feels very bare bones. Pass.

The Island [Blu-Ray] Details
Length: 136 min
Rated: PG-13
Distributor: DreamWorks Video
Release Date: 2011-06-21
Starring: Ewan McGregor, Scarlett Johansson, Sean Bean, Brian Stepanek, Djinon Hounsou, Steve Buscemi, Michael Clarke Duncan
Directed by: Michael Bay
Produced by: Michael Bay, Kenny Bates
Written by: Caspian Tredwell-Owen, Alex Kurtzman, Roberto Orci
Visit the The Island [Blu-Ray] Official Website

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Three Reasons Why I Hope the Green Lantern Movie Flops

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Green Lantern is lame as all hell. So if you're expecting a non-biased article on GL, you're not going to find it here. I can't stand the character and his various incarnations. That said, I'm still going to see the movie. I see fracking everything, so why wouldn't I see this? Even so, I want it to flop. I want it to flop hardcore! I'm talking about Pluto Nash flopping here people. Why? Well, I'll tell you why. In three reasons or less below.

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3. The Price

So, the price of the flick is finally out, It's huge. Three hundred million (!) dollars huge. Yowza! I just bit my knuckles. But I can definitely see why. Even the trailer alone looks expensive. It's one giant CG orgasm right in your face (EWE!) after another. But why? This isn't Batman we're talking about here. This is Green Lantern, who certainly has his fans, sure, but he isn't worth the price tag. Most people who've seen the trailer say that it looks awful and I actually disagree. But shame on the studio for allowing it to cost so much. Why couldn't Reynold's just wear a real costume instead of some CG crap? Why does it have to look so fake? Why is it just one big cartoon? All of these questions could be asked, but my question is this: Why did they spend so damn MUCH on the thing? I hate how much it costs. These are like Titanic totals. Blrg! I hope it only makes ten bucks for the studios arrogance to think this would actually do well. It would serve them right.

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2. Other DC Characters deserve a movie more than GL

Have you ever even read Green Lantern before? It blows, man! DC in general sucks compared to Marvel, but Green Lantern is especially lame. I can see how it might look interesting on the big screen, but why make a movie about him when a Sandman flick has never gotten off the ground? Or a Lobo movie, even. Hell, what about Sgt. Rock? The fact is, there are plenty of other characters in the DC Universe that aren't in the Justice League. And I feel those movies might never get made because of the Green Lantern's of the DC World. Hopefully, if the movie flops, studios will decide to dig even deeper into the DC archives. Easy Co. deserves it, dammit.

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1. If it fails, Ryan Reynolds can do Deadpool!

Okay, now here's the REAL reason that I hope Green Lantern fails. If it succeeds, they might make more of them, and that will mean that Ryan Reynolds will NEVER get to making a Deadpool movie. And I think he'd be PERFECT as Wade Wilson, that awful cameo in Wolverine Origins, notwithstanding. Some of the people who actually got their hands on the very R-Rated Deadpool script said it was divine, and I believe them. The thing about Deadpool is that I can't see anybody else besides Ryan Reynolds playing him, sort of like how I can't see anybody else besides Robert Downey Jr. playing Tony Starks. He just fits that role like a condom. Remember, before Reynolds became the buff action hero, he was making comedies like Van Wilder. And Deadpool is the best of both worlds, with great comedy and violence combined. If Green Lantern flops, then maybe Deadpool can finally get off the ground. And isn't that reason enough to hope the potential DC debacle flops? I think so, and you should think so, too. My opinion is valid and accepted in all 50 states and commonwealths, after all.

Monday, June 13, 2011

N-Bombs: Nintendo's 10 Most Exciting Moments of All Time

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You can find the article here at the video game section of Complex that I write for:

Saturday, June 11, 2011

JJ Abrams Officially Gets My Most Frustrating Man in Hollywood Reward

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Oh, my God. Super 8 is so...good. It's very good, actually. But dammit, JJ, why can't it be great? Why can't ANYTHING you do be great? For directors and creators who make crap some of the time but greatness most of the time, I don't mind that. Scorsese is guilty of this offense and so is Spielberg, and they're always forgiven because when they're great, they're REALLY great. And I mean really. But JJ Abrams, you make such GOOD material that has so much potential and you always raise the bar SO high that when we finally get to the end, we're always like, "MAN, WHAT HAPPENED? You started off so WELL."

Take for example the mythos of Lost, which he co-created. The first season was great beyond measure. Smoke monsters, a survivalist who was once a cripple before he got to the island, polar bears (!). Everything was setting up for what could have possibly been the great sci-fi epic of our day. A serialized Twilight Zone with a continuous plot. Some people actually DID wind up staying to the end and loving the entire series, but many were disappointed. And you know why? Because anything Abrams is connected to, he can't conclude satisfyingly. He gets your blood boiling and your interest piqued, but it's never met with the excellent kind of ending that you would nod in approval and say, "Good, Lord, that was a masterpiece."

Instead, you always wind up saying, "Good, Lord, can't that man ever wind down a story correctly."

His most recent film Super 8 is in similar territory. Just watch the trailer.

Magnificent, right? From the stirring music, to the great pacing of the shots, to the looks on the children's faces, everything about it just spells classic. But it's not. Instead, it reaches soaring, majestic, precipitous heights, and falls flat on its face. God, Abrams, you're so FRUSTRATING. And it's all because you're just so...good. And not great.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Sonic Generations Looks Soooooo Good. Me Wants It!

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Wow. Whoa. And other adjectives that represent greatness. The new Sonic game, Sonic Generations, is, and I can't believe I'm saying this, the game that I'm most anticipating out of anything else that's coming out in the future. Yes, more so that Street Fighter X Tekken. I've given up on Sonic just like pretty much everybody else, but will definitely welcome him back into my life if he can score a good one with this new game. Anybody else with me?

Monday, June 6, 2011

The Top Ten Best Games Based on the DC Universe

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Unbelievably, this is actually one of my most popular articles ever. Check it out here:

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Dschinghis Khan Is Better Than Abba

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You may know Dschinghis (pronounced, "Jingis") Khan. They got really big on the internet from this video:

Classic, I know. But that's not why I think they're better than Abba, as the title of this article suggests. The reason why I like them so much more than the two girl, two guy hitmakers is because, well, they never grew as BIG as Abba, so I couldn't grow to hate Dschinghisc Khan. But I DO hate Abba. Very much so, actually.

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That's not to say that Abba didn't make great songs. Are you kidding me? "Super Trouper"? "Dancing Queen"? "Mamma Mia"...Oh, "Mama Mia." Now THAT'S where I get upset with the group. "Mama Mia" is a very good song. An amazing song, actually. It's quirky, it's fun, and a great song to grab a hairbrush and sing into. It's just a magnificent number. But then, they made a Godawful musical off of it, and also, a terrible movie, which subjected us to listen to Pierce Brosnan "sing".

Rrrr Rrrrr Rrrr Rrrrr, Rrrrr Rrrrr, Rrrr Rrrr Rrrr Rrrr, Rrrr Rrrr. That's my impression of Pierce Brosnan singing.

I mean, seriously. That was just awful. But not as awful as the A*Teens, which also spawned off of Abba.

So, if you haven't already guessed, here's my problem with the group. Over the years, they were just TOO overexposed. And it's not like it was just their songs that I was hearing, which would have been fine. It's the fact that they allowed pretty much anybody to take their songs and do whatever they wanted with them. Smart, right? It created a perpetual money-making machine for the group.

But not so fast, hombre, as many people see Abba as too saccharine and goofy now. I remember during the 2008 Presidential election, people were actually making fun of John McCain because he said he had Abba on his Playlist. Like that was some kind of joke or something. Hur, hur, hur, look at that old fart! Listening to Abba. I would never vote for him. But ooh, what's Obama listening to? I sooooo want to vote for him if I find out that he has Marvin Gaye on his iTunes. I love that man.

It was a really silly reason for preferring one candidate over an another, but that just shows that people laugh at Abba today. Abba is a joke.

Dschinghis Khan is a joke, too, but if you look beyond "Moskau," they really, truly had songs that were just as good as anything Abba ever produced. Some of them were also more entertaining to watch as well. Don't believe me? Check this out:

That's fun! Or listen to this:

That's pretty! Sure, it doesn't have the universal appeal of Abba, but that's because they didn't sing in English. They chose to stay true to themselves and sing in their native language of Deutsch. They could sing in English, though. They just didn't want to:

I actually bought the group's greatest hits album and I just fell in love with it. And I'm being completely serious here. I really like the album. I still listen to it frequently while I turn the station whenever I hear Abba come on. I can't even listen to that group anymore. So, yeah, I think Dschinghis Khan is much better than Abba. Abba is not The Beatles, so please don't get on my case that their songs are timeless gems. They're not. They're great, but Abba's songs aren't perfection. And with overexposure, they kind of suck. So listen to some Dschinghis Khan, why don'tcha? They have a lot more songs than just "Moskau," you know.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Review: Drive Angry

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I’ll see Nicholas Cage in anything. An-y-thing. I don’t care if he’s playing two struggling writers who are brothers, or if he’s screaming against wearing a helmet full of bees, if Nic Cage is in it, it’s going to be a blast. That said, I’d much rather see him in the former kind of film (Adaptation) than the latter (the abysmal The Wicker Man). Drive Angry, unfortunately, is the latter kind of film, and it’s a shame, too, because Nic Cage gives it his all. Too bad his all can’t make up for a godawful script and an ass-picking plot.

The Movie: Two stars out of five

Nic Cage’s action-hero career has always perplexed me for two reasons. One: Nic Cage is a seriously talented actor, and when he does drama, he normally knocks it out the park, so why doesn’t he just stick with drama? And two: Nic Cage, despite how many times he might snarl or grow out his hair, has never really looked like an action hero at all. Sure, he was awesome in movies like Con Air, because, well, Con Air was awesome. But most times, whenever he straps on leather or shoots an absurdly large gun at something, it’s ridiculous. And it just doesn’t make any sense why he would waste his time with something like Season of the Witch, or this piece of garbage, when he has an Oscar sitting at home for Leaving Las Vegas. I just don’t get it.

With that out the way, let me tear this film apart. Drive Angry sucks because it’s not consistent with its excessiveness. Early on, the film gets it right by having Cage wearing sunglasses and delivering lines like, “Hell’s already walking the Earth,” before he blows up a car for no apparent reason. That’s cool! It’s also cool when he bangs some waitress while smoking a cigar. Vintage badass right there. But you know what? After those two scenes, it gets all talky and boring, and the plot takes a further downturn when William Fichtner, who plays a character called The Accountant, comes into the movie. He’s from Hell and he’s trying to bring Nic Cage’s character back to Hell with him. But every time he’s on the screen, you know something stupid is going to happen. Like him flipping a quarter in the air only for him to catch it and it turns into an FBI badge. A hur hur hur! You tricked me there, movie. Just awful. And the action is second-rate and pedestrian. In a movie like Machete, it went balls to walls at every scene. But in this movie, it’s all patched together shoddily, and the 3D techniques are stupid and abused. On a non-3D TV, it just looks like one big gimmick after the other. Pass.

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What makes matters worse is Nic Cage’s character, John Milton. He can’t die since he’s already dead. This lowers the stakes tremendously, and you never worry if he’s going to make it or not because he can always just come back again if he dies. So what’s the point of caring? There isn’t one. Also, the bad guy in the film is so lame that they even had to put a soul patch on him just to make you hate him.

Overall, Drive Angry is a piece of shit. The only reason it’s getting two stars at all is because Nic cage is in it, and no Nic Cage film deserves a single star. Not even Next. And while this may not be the worst Nic Cage movie ever (Bangkok Dangerous has it beaten), it’s up there. See it if you’re a fan of Nic. But if you aren’t, toss it to the dogs.

The Disc: One star out of five

What would an awful movie be without awful special features? There’s commentary on here, but it’s a pain to listen to. The director, Patrick Lussier, had what sounds like strep throat or a cold when he recorded it, so it’s annoying to even listen to him. What. The. Hell? Did he and the co-writer, Todd Farmer, have to do it on that day when he was sick? Maybe they did, but you just wish they would have left the commentary off the disc altogether if they knew it was going to sound this bad. Also, they talk about absolutely nothing at all. They actually have the stones to say that the performances in this film (other than Cage’s) are even worth your time. Are they serious? What a joke.

There are also two deleted scenes, but they’re worthless. Obviously, they were tacked on just so some poor sap could look at the back of the box and think they were getting something worthwhile. Well, guess what? You’re not. Finally, there’s the “Access: Drive Angry” feature, which has pop ups of trivia during the film that so many of these damn Blu-rays are putting out there nowadays. It’s a lot of non-interesting tidbits, aside from the fact that the movie got its title from the far superior film, Groundhog Day. Rent Drive Angry if you like Nic Cage, but don’t buy it. If I haven’t said it enough, this movie is a piece of garbage and it should be obliterated from the Earth. Avoid, avoid. avoid. [Or you could just rewatch Groundhog Day. - Ed.]