Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Wrestlers in Film

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So, I just watched Faster with "Dwayne" The Rock "Johnson" (Note that I put "Dwayne" and "Johnson" in quotes--mainly because he'll always be The Rock in my eyes, forget about this Dwayne Johnson nonsense), and, well, it sucked. Now, if this had been his very first film, then its suckiness may have been excusable. But the man has been making films for years now and he still hasn't made anything better than The Rundown, which was just subpar, if even that.

Wha' happan'?

This guy was supposed to be the next big action star. He was supposed to be the next Ahnold. But instead, we got the next Vin Diesel--a piece of shit who started off all tough but petered out to be a joke. In fact, the Rock is worse than Vin Diesel, as at least Mr. Diesel (Heh, Mr. Diesel) only made ONE horrific kiddie film in The Pacifier. The Rock's resume is almost filled with them. Watch.


But you know what? Thinking of how much The Rock sucks as an actor got me into thinking about other wrestlers who got into film, and how awesome they turned out to be. So below are wrestlers who actually were awesome in movies. If you can think of any more, please leave them in the comments below.

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Captain Lou Albano

Captain Lou Albano was awesome for two reasons. One, he was Cindy Lauper's dad in "Girl's Just want to have Fun," and two, well, he's Mario. Forget Bob Hoskins, Captain Lou will always be the live action version of the plumber from Brooklyn in my eyes. Just look at him. This man was born to eat pasta and save princesses. It's in his eyes.

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Rowdy Roddy Piper

Rowdy Roddy Piper is the one who gets to wear the sunglasses. And if you don't know what that's from, then I already hate you. Besides being in a John Carpenter classic though, he's also been in a movie called "Immortal" Combat. How sick (and stupid?) is that? Too sick, and too stupid is the answer.

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The Hulkster

I don't have to tell you about Hulk Hogan, brother. You already know that he's the shit. Even when he's Mr. Nanny, he's still the manliest man who ever did man.

That said, his best role was as a, what else, a wrestler in Rocky III, which was his very first film ever. Thunderlips (Just the name alone) will always live in our hearts and minds, forever, forever, forever, for...

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Jesse "The Body" Ventura

We really didn't need Predator to tell us that Jesse "The Body" Ventura was a sexual tyrannosaurus, but it always helps to be reminded. Also, the man was a governor. I don't know how many times that needs to be brought up, but I'll bring it up a second time, the man was a governor. And he's a conspiracies maven. What's not to love?

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John Cena

And last but not least (And I'm not including Stone Cold on this list because his career has sucked just as much as The Rock's) is John Cena. How pathetic is it that I even consider John Cena's piss poor career better than The Rock's? Pretty pathetic, indeed. One thing I can say in favor of Cena's career is at LEAST he mostly sticks to action movies. The man knows he can't act, so why stray outside of beating people up and looking good doing it? Here's a clip of him doing just that. Tell me, wouldn't you have liked to see The Rock have gone down this path? It's a damn shame...

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