Sunday, May 22, 2011

Ten MORE Movies That I've Seen That You Likely Haven't (But Shouldn't!)

So, like I said before in a previous blog post, I've seen a lot of movies in my short lifetime. A lot of them, you've seen, too, and some of them, you've loved (the first Pirates of the Caribbean) while others, you've hated (the second Pirates of the Caribbean). A lot of the movies that you loved, I was probably on the fence on because apparently, I have awful taste in films. But the films that I put below I can honestly tell you are beyond awful and you would hate them, too. That is, if you had seen them, of course. Now, some of these movies might be hard to find but none of them are outright obscure, so if you're a cinephile like myself, then you might have actually watched some of these. But most likely, you haven't. So these are ten more movies that I've seen that you likely haven't, but shouldn't. Take that as a fair warning. These movies are truly awful.

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10. Reefer Madness

Sure, you've heard a lot about this film, like how it's sooooo funny and such an extremely gross representation of what marijuana really isn't. But let me set the record straight. Reefer Madness sucks. It's funny for about four minutes and then, it's one boring slog that you're going to wish that you had been drunk for rather than high when watching it. It's criminal that the film has become so popular over the years, and everything great about the film can be seen in this short 1 minute and 39 second trailer. There, I just saved you a good hour of your life.

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9. Dog Soldiers

When I saw the box cover for this movie at Blockbuster a few years ago, I seriously told my friends that we had to watch it. And this is yet another reason why my friends think that I have terrible taste in films. Now, I don't think that's fair, because I hated this movie, too, since it takes about a full hour to actually get to the werewolves, and when you do, they look like shit. But I can see why they'd think that my picks suck after this, because this sucks. A lot. Still, I usually do pick up movies that are compared to other movies that I like. Doesn't everybody?

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8. Battle Royale

Now, don't get me wrong. Battle Royale isn't a bad film at all. But I implore you, please don't watch the movie and read the book instead. Most times, if not all, the book is always better than the film that it inspires. But in this regard, it's not even worth discussing, as the book is just world's better the movie. It's not even close to compare the two. Both are a perverse and a provocative take on Lord of the Flies, but the movie doesn't even come close to capturing the electricity of the novel. If you just don't read at all, then watch the movie. It's pretty good. But if you do read, then skip the movie entirely and read the book. Your bottom lip will drop at how good it is.

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7. Straw Dogs

There's a remake of this Sam Peckinpah film coming soon, so it might actually incline you to watch the original. But don't, as Straw Dogs is soooo boring. There's a pretty explicit rape scene in it, which must have been huge at the time but looks pretty tame today, and Dustin Hoffman traps some dude in a bear trap. But other than that, this film drags like no other. If you must watch it, just skip to the end. All the build-up of Dustin Hoffman's character going off the deep end isn't worth watching. For a similar, but better film that's sort of like this, watch, Falling Down instead with Michael Douglas. Now, that's a modern classic that we can both agree on.

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6. Queen of the Damned

Okay, so maybe you've seen this piece of garbage starring Aaliyah. Even if you have, I think it's worth nothing again just how awful it is. A semi-follow-up to the BRILLIANT Interview With a Vampire, this hunk a junk just seemed to have gotten everything wrong. The story has something to do with a musician, and I know the lead singer of KoRn makes an appearance in it somewhere. But other than that, it's beyond terrible. I don't remember anything else about the entire picture and I'm glad for it. Anne Rice's career had a similar fall, I believe, which is good because females just shouldn't handle vampires. They always make them look too damn sexy.

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5. Manos: The Hands of Fate

I love so bad, they're good movies and think Troll 2 should have won best picture. That said, Manos: The Hands of Fate, which literally translates to Hands: The Hands of Fate if you know anything about espanol is so bad that it's just bad. It's not even funny how awful it is. The Mystery Theater guys had fun riffing on it, but if you watch it without their jokes, it's just plain unwatchable. Don't see this film. No matter what you may hear about it.

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4. Zardoz

I've said it before, and I'll say it again--Zardoz has one of the best stories with the worst executions I've ever seen. It truly deserves to be remade. It has a floating head that praises the gun and loathe the penis, and then, some other out there shit with Sean Connery running from telepaths who fear growing old. It doesn't make any sense. The ending is absolutely beautiful, though and feels like it belongs in an entirely other film. Most...disappointing movie...ever.

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3. Dune

I LOVE David Lynch, but he has seriously made two of the worst movies I've ever seen with this flick and the next one. And the reason that this one is so bad is because it strays SO far away from the source material. I'm told there's a director's cut that is closer to the book, but I don't see how anything about that cut could make it better when the sets and characters seem so off in the original version. It should be noted that some people actually like this film, but for me, it's a total disaster. Thankfully, Lynch never attempted anything of this magnitude again, but the next movie, he had no excuse for.

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2. Inland Empire

Inland Empire doesn't make any damn sense at all. Now, as a Lynchian film, that's fine as next to none of his films make any sense on the surface level. But this movie goes waaay beyond that to the sense that it becomes unwatchable. And it's also really boring. I had to continuously rewind certain moments because I kept falling asleep during it. It's not cohesive in the slightest and frustratingly obfuscating. And the ending is just plain bonkers, but unjustifiably so. Avoid this film like the plague. Lynchian fans who liked this be damned.

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1. Rollerball

The 2002, Rollerball, remake is without question the worst film I've ever seen in my entire life. And I've seen a LOT of movies, so that's no small feat. While the original movie might be silly and dated, at least it's watchable. But this piece of garbage...this...abomination to life, isn't even that. I felt like Alex in A Clockwork Orange, watching this film, as I felt strapped down to the chair and forced to watch it because I paid for it and refused to leave until I got my money's worth. And oh, boy, if nightmares are what I inadvertently paid for, then I certainly got my money's worth with this piece of shit, as I can't think of a single other film in my mind that has absolutely NO redeeming qualities whatsoever. And I mean none. The philosopher/writer Sartre once wrote that "Hell is other people," in his play, No Exit. But I think he might have been a bit off. Hell is watching the Rollerball remake all alone. It's a far worse punishment and definitely the more depressing. Never watch this movie. Ever.

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