Wednesday, July 16, 2014

The Ten Worst Movies I've Ever Seen In My Entire Life

Plan 9 From Outer Space. Manos: The Hands of Fate. Troll 2. These aren't bad movies, mainly because people derive great enjoyment from them year after year. And isn't that the ultimate point of movies in the first place, for people to enjoy them? I think so, and that's why I can't include them on this list of the ten worst movies I've ever seen in my entire life. So, without further ado, on with the list.

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10. X-Men Origins: Wolverine

It takes a pretty terrible movie to ruin not one, but two fan favorite Marvel characters, but X-Men Origins: Wolverine managed to do it. Deadpool, played by Ryan Reynolds (Groan), was an absolute disaster, and Gambit, played by Taylor Kitsch, couldn't be any less like the ragin' Cajun. To add insult to injury, it probably has the very worst CG in any of the X-Men movies. The scene where Wolvierine is in the bathroom is particularly awful, as his claws look TERRIBLE! How did they mess that up so badly? His claws looked fine in all the other X-Men movies. Gawd! I mean, jeez Louise. A movie so bad that its sequel, The Wolverine, pretended like it never even existed, as it shouldn't have. What a mess.

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9. Godzilla (2014)

It's my hatred for movies like Godzilla that makes people think I have terrible taste in movies. Either that, or they think I'm too hard on movies that are only meant to be fun. But no, Godzilla is a f**king train wreck. Everything about it is terrible. The tone is off (Dark film equals evil Godzilla, lighter film equals hero Godzilla), the main character is that kid from Kick-Ass, and when Godzilla is finally in the movie, he's only there for about ten minutes. And he sucks. As a massive Godzilla fan who has seen every last one of his movies, I find all of this inexcusable and an insult to Godzilla's name. I didn't think it could be possible to find a Godzilla movie even worse than the one that came out in the 90s, but this is it. This is that turd.

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8. Madea's Family Reunion

All of the Madea movies suck. Every last one of them. But while each one may have at least one funny thing that happens in them (Madea takes out her gun, Mr. Brown does a little dance), this movie is devoid of any humor whatsoever. I mean, there are absolutely NO laughs in it. Not a one. I don't think I've ever sat through a "comedy" where I didn't chuckle at least once, but I didn't with this movie. I couldn't even crack a smile. Out of all of the Madea movies I've seen, this is by far the worst. When it was over, I shouted "Hallelujar!"

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7. 2012

Roland Emmerich makes garbage. Some of it is tolerable garbage (Independence Day, The Day After Tomorrow) And some of it is even good garbage (White House Down). But the fact is, Emmerich makes the kind of loud, obnoxious movies that you can turn your brain off to and veg out to for a good couple of hours. I think of him as a slightly more talented Michael Bay. He's not so bad. But, reaching Michael Bay levels of awfulness was 2012, which is such a massive waste of time that I probably spent half of its run-time looking at the ceiling from rolling my eyes so much. This movie is so bad, that when the audience started clapping during certain scenes, I booed as loudly as I could to drown them out. I'm usually not that much of a jerk, but I felt compelled to be one watching this movie. 2012 really did bring out the worst in me.

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6. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3

This one still stings. TMNT3 is such an insult to my beloved turtles, that I've tried to repress the memory of it for countless years. But the fact is, it still exists. I could say more, but James Rolfe, better known as The Angry Video Game Nerd, complains about it better than I ever could. Watch.

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5. Sucker Punch

I'm pretty sure Sucker Punch is the only movie I've actually gotten a headache watching. Directed by Zack Snyder, this loud, colorful (Too colorful) mess of a movie has a stupid plot, terrible pacing, and characters you don't give a flying f**k about. If only this were the only Zack Snyder movie I would consider one of the worst movies I've ever seen...

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4. 10,000 B.C.

Another bomb from Roland Emmerich, this movie is so bad that I decided within only five minutes of watching it that I was going to take a $10 nap. This alone should put this movie even higher on the list, but one scene in particular keeps it from hitting rock bottom, and it's so bad, it's actually good. I've derived countless laughs from it. My friend even woke me from my nap just to see it. He knew I would laugh my ass off. He was right.

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3. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Oh, God. Michael Bay. It's actually pretty surprising that I don't have any of his other movies on this list. The man is just awful. He started out well with movies like Bad Boys and The Rockbut he has sunken so low in quality that I don't even bother to expect his movies to be any good anymore. They won't be. All of his recent ones suck. And out of these recent films, I find Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen to be his very worst. That said, I haven't seen the recent one and I don't plan on it. And I would probably say the third one is his worst if I hadn't fallen asleep during it, so I really can't make the call. But two is just terrible. Not only that, but it's also offensive with Mudflap and Skid, or, as I refer to them as, the "Nig bots." Every time they came on the screen I became infuriated. Here were these two autobots that were obviously supposed to be black, and Michael Bay played them to be complete idiots. I couldn't take it. I just couldn't. And then you had the rest of that bombastic trash vomitted on the screen, and what you ended up with was a marathon of nonsense that was very difficult to sit through. Definitely one of the worst experiences I've ever had in a movie theater.

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2. Man of Steel

I mean, talk about a load of garbage. Man of Steel is unbelievably bad. The whole time, I couldn't understand why it had to be so dark or why Superman had to KILL General Zod. None of it made any sense, and it was even super corny. When Amy Adams says, "Welcome to the Planet" at the end of the movie, signifying both the planet Earth and the Daily Planet newspaper, I pretty much lost it, I was so angry. It was so stupid and boring that I was pretty close to calling it the very worst film I have ever seen in my entire life, but there is still one worse...

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1. Rollerball

Oh, man. You have no idea how lucky you are that you've never seen this movie. I mean, the original with James Caan is great, and it still holds up today. But the remake...well, words cannot describe how much I detested it. I usually give films I hate a second chance, like Man of Steel. The second time through, it's still terrible. But Rollerball is on a whole other level of awful. It's all a blur, really, and all I remember about it was Paul Hayman, Jean Reno, and the very last line of the movie, which involved Rebecca Rominjn suggesting that all problems could be solved, "IN BED." This, my friends, is the very WORST movie I have ever seen in my entire life, and I will never watch it again. You couldn't pay me to sit through it a second time. Oh, God!

Honorable mentions: Van Helsing, The Happening, Elektra, Jeepers Creepers, Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance


Dave Morgan said...

Can't agree with SuckerPunch. Love these movies that 'mess with reality'.

Rich Knight said...

I usually do, too, but Sucker Punch had a negative affect on me. I don't think it pulled it off effectively like Inception.