Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Impolite Review of Elektra Luxx
(Image taken from: beyondhollywood.com)
I write for an online pub called Cinemablend. I love it to death. They give me the freedom to write what's on my mind, which is liberating to say the least. But sometimes, I go off the handle. And this is one of those times. You see, I write for the DVD section and was tasked with writing about a clunker called Elektra Luxx. Now, I didn't think it would be good, but I also didn't think it would be THIS awful. But it was. And I wrote a review that's basically me just saying it sucks over and over again in different, more scathing words. This is that review below. You'll see a more polished review soon, but I thought I'd just share the wrath of a critic with you. Hope you enjoy.
(Image taken from: joblo.com)
Review: Elektra Luxx
By: Rich Knight
You want to know a good movie about porn? Boogie Nights. Everything about that film just makes me want to buy a flashy shirt, pull down my dungarees and get into the industry, shaking what my mama GAVE me. But you want to know a shitty movie about porn? Elektra Luxx. Everything that’s great about Boogie Nights is absent in this film. It’s not even really about porn, even. What a tease!
The film: One star
When my editor asked if anybody wanted to review Elektra Luxx, I did a quick search online and found that Joseph Gordon-Levitt was in it. Being a fan of flicks like Inception, Brick, and The Lookout, I was like, hell yeah, I want to watch that shit. That guy doesn’t make bad films! But, man, was I wrong. And now I have to add Mr. Levitt on my list of yet another actor who has let me down most heinously. The man apparently CAN make bad films, and Elektra Luxx is one of the worst. I mean, it’s bad. It’s REALLY bad. So bad, in fact, that I wanted to turn it off within the first five minutes of watching it. And I really should have, too. I only watched the whole damn thing so I could report back to you just how bad it is. Because if it had just been me watching it on my own, I would have fed it to the centipedes in my house by the six minute mark. How the hell was this trash even made?
I mean, everything about this films blows. But what angers me the most about it, besides the fact that it’s supposed to be a comedy and it’s woefully unfunny, is the fact that it has some really great talent in it that isn’t even used effectively. Joseph Gordon-Levitt starts the film off doing an awful monologue about the title star of the film, Ms. Luxx. She’s left the porn industry because she’s pregnant. And, well, that’s what the plot’s supposed to be about. But it goes all over the place. On the back of the box, it says, (ahem), “Elektra Luxx… wrestles with a solicitous bride-to-be, an obsessed web streamer (That’s Mr. Gordon-Levitt, by the way), a studly private investigator (Timothy Olyphant), a clothing-challenged neighbor, a criminal twin sister, and even the Virgin Mary (Julianne Moore).” I mean, seriously, would YOU want to watch crap that’s cluttered like that? No, right? I didn’t think so. But you know what? Here’s the REAL kicker on the back of the box—“it’s one hysterical ride with plenty of uninhibited comedy along the way.” All I want to know is, who wrote that and how much were they paid? It must have been a lot, because they’re lies. All lies. In fact, I want to get in on some of that lie money. I might even give up my journalistic integrity to do it.
In fact, here’s my retro review for Plan 9 from Outer Space. Tor Johnson gives the performance of a lifetime as Inspector Dan Clay! And lookout, D W Griffith, as Ed Wood is a director to look out for!! His startling, revelatory new film shines a light on mankind like no other film has before it!!! A visual tour de force!!!!
I mean, I’m sorry to get so far off track with this film, but all I want to do is think about anything BUT Elektra Luxx when talking about it. I don’t know if this movie was straight-to-DVD or not, but God, if it was, it’s an offense to every straight-to-DVD movie that ever came before it. Seriously, Mirrors 2 is better than this garbage. And have you ever seen Mirrors 2? God, that movie’s a trainwreck. But this movie is worse. Way worse. Elektra’s last name doesn’t even have three x’s in it! And shouldn’t it? Isn’t she supposed to be a pron star? C’mon, that was an easy one. Again, I repeat, how was this garbage even made? Barf!
The disc: One star
Sigh, let’s look at the back of the box again, shall we? For special features it says, “Includes Hilarious Deleted Scenes.” Really? Really?! Couldn’t you guys just say “Includes Deleted Scenes”? Why did you have to add lie on top of lie and say that they’re hilarious? The movie itself doesn’t contain a single laugh, so why in the hell would the deleted scenes have any? Does the director even know what comedy is? Or did I just fall asleep during the film and wake up in some alternate dimension and not know it? Do shows like Seinfeld and The Simpsons exist in this alternate dimension? Because one of these “hilarious” deleted scenes contains two women making out, quietly, while some nebbish dude watches. It’s the closest thing to actual softcore porn on here, and even that sucks. Ugh. I hate myself for even watching this. I want my 100 minutes of life back, please. And make it snappy. I don’t have any more time to waste.
Elektra Luxx [DVD] Details
Length: 100 minutes
Distributor: Myriad Pictures
Starring: Carla Gugino, Timothy Oylphant, Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Directed by: Sebastian Gutierrez
Produced by: Sebastian Gutierrez
Written by: Sebastian Gutierrez
Visit the Elektra Luxx website: http://www.elektraluxx-movie.com/