Comic Book Crushes Reveal the Type of Woman For You

The Bachelor Guy
05/30/2007

Here's an article I wrote for a website called The Bachelor Guy. Since it's the kind of site where multiple people write under one nom de plume (notably, the bachelor guy), my name wasn't on the article. Que sera sera, I suppose.

Hope you enjoy the article. I plan to do another similar to this based on the cereal people eat.

Been through countless failed first dates and one night stands looking to find the right woman? Tired of your friends and family telling you what kind of girl you should be dating? Don’t sweat it. You can figure out which girl best suits you without spending hours stalking around on MySpace.Forget astrology. Forget eHarmony's compatibility profiling. The most telling sign of what type of woman does it for you is which comic book characters and anime heroines gave you that strange tingling feeling in your danger zone when you were a kid. She did it for you then, and someone just like her probably still does it for you now.

Rogue (X-Men): She's hot. She's sweet. She's dedicated to you and only you. And she can literally suck you dry of all your life energy. If Rogue's your type of girl then you need someone who is into commitment. And settling down. And being your everyone and everything. Twenty-four-freakin-hours-a-day. Look for a woman with few friends. And an obsessive personality. Someone with a lot of cats or an extensive ceramic unicorn collection, let's say. Take the long list of things she needs you to do over the weekend. Then hand over your wallet. Say goodbye to your friends. Turn over your balls. Because as soon as she knows you're willing to fall into a coma just for a single kiss, you're done.

Sailor Moon: Rarely seen without her fellow Sailor Scouts, she's part of a small, extremely tight-knit circle of friends. A bit flighty at certain times, and very self-centered the rest of the time, Sailor Moon demands a lot out of a man and expects to be swept off her feet. If Sailor Moon did it for you, you’re all about bravado and over-dramatic affection. You want a girl who'll bombard you with 15 emails the day you're introduced, tell you she loves you in the second or third email, and suggest her friends "come with" on your first date.

She-Hulk: The ultimate independent woman, She-Hulk can be a bit tomboyish at times, but man is she hot. (Looking past the whole green thing.) If the rock hard She-Hulk made certain parts of you rock hard, you're searching for a strong willed woman. A woman who takes control. Whether you want her to or not. You want a woman with fire and passion. Which can sometimes come bundled with a nasty temper. So don't push her. She might just push back. And send you hurdling through a brick wall.

Betty: Ah, Betty, the girl next door who likes to play sports and wear blue headbands. She never lets anyone get in the way of her fun. The perfect loyal girlfriend, she can tend to get a little catty when another woman moves in on her territory. (Especially black-haired hussies.) A Betty fan from way back? Find yourself a free-spirit who isn't afraid to hang out with the guys. Or fight for what's hers.

Marge Simpson (The Simpsons): They don’t get much more dedicated than Mrs. Simpson. Willing to put up with just about anything, Marge will wash your nasty underwear, cook your pork chops, and pop open a cold one for ya, as long as you can bring home the bacon and tell her every so often, in your own uncomfortable way, you love her. If gazing upon Marge's big blue beehive gets your loins a buzzin, then you need to find yourself a modern-day throwback to the women of yesteryear. A woman who waits on her man hand and foot. A woman who will pop out a bunch of kids and sacrifice her own dreams and desires to be a stay at home mom. A woman who stands behind her man no matter what kind of drunken, barely employable half-wit he might be. In other words, a woman who only exists in cartoons.

Betty Boop: Ultra flirty, ultra sexy, and ultra seductive, Ms. Boop was the kind of girl you wouldn’t dare bring home to mom, but would brag about to your dad while you’re out fishing. If you thought Betty was the bee's knees, you're looking for a gal who will give you the ride of your life. And give your brother the ride of his life. Same for your boss. And all your coworkers. You might find her in an online dating site. She's the one with two or three hundred "reviews". And the video tapes to prove it.

Olive Oyl (Popeye): Olive is the ultimate drama queen who likes to be the center of attention. And have guys fight over her. Constantly. If you ever sat in front of the TV looking to scrap with Popeye and Bluto for the right to claim Ms. Oyl, you're looking for a lady with a lot of baggage. Look for a single mom, with a bad-tempered ex looking to get back in the picture. I suggest hanging out at tractor pulls or the Jerry Springer Show. Contacting Britney Spears might be an option.

Bugs Bunny in Drag: This requires far more space than I have here.