Why Godzilla 2014 Bites the Big One (Minor Spoilers)

(Image taken from: www.youtube.com)

I wish I could say, "How could they f**k up Godzilla so badly, but the 1998 Roland Emmerich atrocity can already answer that question. But I have another question--How could they f**k up Godzilla so badly AGAIN?! I have quite a few complaints about this new movie, but I'll keep this blog post down to only six. The first one being:

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1. Why is Kick-Ass's role in this movie more important than Godzilla's?

Aaron Taylor-Johnson has a name (duh, it's Aaron Taylor-Johnson), but his name doesn't matter. As far as I'm concerned, he'll always be Kick-Ass to me, and that's both a good and a bad thing. It's good because it means that he's solidified himself as a character in my mind and I'll always remember his face for it, kind of like that racist guy, Kramer. But it's bad because it's the only role I can ever see him in as I don't think he's a good enough actor to be anything else, so his omnipresence in this film is troubling. It's mostly because his doughy face can't emote the kind of expressions it needs to when there's a giant, atomic breathing monster stomping through your city. He's a boring actor, and the more you see him, the more you just want him to go away so that there's more screen time for Godzilla. But more on that in a few.

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2. Bryan Cranston is barely even in it

When I first heard that not only would there be a new Godzilla movie, but that Bryan Cranston would also be in it, you have no idea how ecstatic I was. Breaking Bad is my favorite show of all time. But then, I saw the movie, and guess what. Bryan Cranston is barely even in it. Yeah, that's right. Even though he's in pretty much all the trailers and commercials, he's only in the actual movie for about 20 minutes and then...well, I won't spoil it for you, but the marketing team LIED their asses off by making it seem like he might have been the star of the movie. I was expecting a cerebral film with a giant monster destroying a city, but they prevaricated and we got a stupid creature feature with Kick-Ass instead. What a joke! Screw those assholes!

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3. NONE of the characters matter!

There sure are a lot of characters in this movie. Too bad none of them are interesting (Except for Bryan Cranston, who is barely even in it like I said before). Besides Kick-Ass, this movie also features Elizabeth Olsen, Ken Watanabe, and Sally Hawkins, but seriously, NONE of their characters even matter in the great scheme of things. Sally Hawkins probably only has three lines in the entire movie. Elizabeth Olsen, who plays Kick-Ass's wife, doesn't do or say anything worth mentioning. And as my good friend, Lemma, mentioned last night when we were talking about the movie, Ken Watanabe's role is pretty much just relegated to looking at things. Oh, and to say, "Godzilla" as the camera pans in on his face. I mean, good Lord, what were they thinking? Why waste such good talent? Jeez!

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4. I don't believe the world set up here

A lot of people rag on Cloverfield, but one thing that movie got very right was the world set up in that film. Putting the focus on ground-level, which this movie tries to do, but fails, we got a sense of just how horrifying and shocking it would be if giant monsters just showed up out of nowhere and started wrecking shit. But in this movie, we never truly get a sense of that. Sure, we see people screaming and we see mass destruction (Mostly AFTER the fact), but it's not as believable as it was in Cloverfield. You really got a sense of the sheer terror of something of that nature really happening in that movie. This film totally botched that, probably because it mostly focused on the military. Big mistake.

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5. MUTO sucks ASS

Godzilla's main adversary in this film is something called MUTO, which is an acronym for something, but it's so dumb that I don't feel like looking it up. There are actually two MUTO, a male and a female, but they are so bland that I could care less. One could fly (the male), and one had a glowing underbelly of offspring (the female, obviously), but they both looked like shit because they were so bland. They were basically the Cloverfield monster in a nutshell. I mean, what gives? Couldn't the design team be a bit more creative with the character designs? Also, before the film came out, a bunch of morons who studied the trailer as if they were scrutinizing their taxes, thought they saw multiple different monsters Godzilla would be facing off against, but no. There's only MUTO in the final product and MUTO sucks. Gigan they ain't.

(image taken from: www.godzilla-movies.com)

6. Godzilla is a f**king wimp

Okay, the biggest insult of them all is what they did to Godzilla, which is unforgivable. First, Godzilla, like Bryan Cranston, is barely even in this movie at all (He's teased constantly, but never really kicking ass until about the last 15 minutes), and then, when he's finally truly present, he sucks, getting his ass mostly handed to him by MUTO. Now, I have no problem with Godzilla getting beaten up, as he's outnumbered here. But when you basically have the characters talk up Godzilla to be the shit that he truly is, why would you have him basically get his ass stomped down when he finally gets down to business? That doesn't make any sense. It's only when Godzilla is one-on-one with a MUTO that he can actually take them down, which he does with ugly looking atomic breath that looks even worse than it did in the old Godzilla movies. It almost looks like blue fire, which it's not supposed to at all. Also, why is Godzilla a good guy in this movie? Godzilla has been a good guy in the past, but only in the silly, comical Godzilla movies. But this movie, which is very serious, has him almost being a savior for mankind. I'm surprised they didn't change his name so his initials were JC, for Jesus Christ. It didn't make any sense. What always made villain Godzilla awesome was that he had total disregard for mankind. Hell, he was meant to represent the atom bomb back in the day. But here, he avoids buildings whenever he can, lets ships sail beside him, and doesn't seem to want to step on any humans. I mean, why? Why did they make Godzilla a good guy in this picture? And why didn't they have more of him? Honestly, this was the biggest problem I had with this film, and it's why I seriously hate it SO much. Godzilla 2014 bites the big one. Don't watch it if you have any love for Godzilla whatsoever. You will just be disappointed.

Guest Post For a Friend

Here's a guest post I did for a friend that went live today. You can find it here.

My Top Ten Favorite Albums of the 90s

Being born in 1983 technically makes me an 80s baby, but I've always pledged more allegiance to the 90s than the 80s since I remember that decade clearer. And one thing I will always remember was the great music from that era. Sure, the 80s had its own distinct sound, as did every preceding decade before it. But there's just something about the edgy, almost nihilistic music of the 90s that just does it for me. There are SO many great albums from that period, that it was hard picking out my ten personal favorites, but these were the albums that influenced me the most growing up. Have you heard all ten of these masterpieces?

(Image taken from: en.wikipedia.org)

10. Flood by They Might Be Giants

Just making it as a 90s album as it was released in January of 1990, Flood was the album that introduced me to TMBG. Like many young people, I first heard the album on Tiny Toon Adventures, where they played a great deal of the songs and made sort of music videos to accompany them. A classic, bizarre, and wonderful album. I listened to it on repeat as a child at my aunt's house. May she rest her soul.

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9. Illmatic by Nas

I still love rap music to a certain extent, but I definitely went through a rap phase. And while I listened to a lot of garbage in that period, Illmatic still holds up today. Nas' debut album encapsulates the sound of an MC too hungry to stay quiet any longer. Every last track on this relatively short album is a winner, and none of the tracks feel unnecessary. It ain't hard to tell that this album is a classic.

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8. Evil Empire by Rage Against the Machine

Few albums rocked me as hard as this one did back in the 90s. From its buzzsaw riff on the opening track, "People of the Sun" to its heavy snare drums and thunderous bass line on every single track on the album, it's a hard album to beat. But the best part was Zack de la Rocha's political, searing lyrics, which were a step up from the band's self-titled debut album. Because "we're rollin' down Rodeo with a shotgun, therepeopleain'tseena, brown skin man since they're grandparents bought one." Best line ever.

(Image taken from: en.wikipedia.org)

7. Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness by The Smashing Pumpkins

This double album was a monster hit. Between the stylistic videos ("Tonight Tonight" being the grandest), the varied tracks, and the overall vibe of the record, this is the Smashing Pumpkins' at their greatest. It never got any better than this album for the group, and not too long afterward, they fell apart and reshaped to form Zwan. The less said about that group the better.

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6. 311 by 311

While not the greatest album ever made, this was the album that got me into the band. And for anybody who knew me back in the 90s, I was DEEPLY in love with 311. Deeply. "Down" was the video that did it for me. This was the first group I ever heard rap and rock work so effectively together. Soon afterward, a whole lot of other rap/rock groups starting forming, with only 311 really doing it well. The two albums before this one (Music and Grassroots were really great, too). It kind of went downhill after this one for the band. They would never reach this kind of wild popularity again.

(Image taken from: en.wikipedia.org)

5. Pinkerton by Weezer

Some prefer the Blue album, and that's a great one, too. But for me, Pinkerton is it. Seen as a failure when it was first released, it is the quintessential emotional album (I hate the term "emo".) River Cuomo was in a pretty fragile state when he put the songs together, and it shows. You can feel his thumping heart on every song, and they're all really catchy, too. This will always be the last, truly great Weezer album, which is a shame, given it was only their second.

(Image taken from: en.wikipedia.org)

4. Enter the 36 Chambers by The Wu-Tang Clan

Believe you me, there are plenty of rap albums I bemoan not putting on this list (Aquemini, Ready to Die, The Chronic, Only Buily 4 Cuban Linx, etc). But if I were to encapsulate all of those great albums into the one that truly got me into rap music, it would have to be Enter the 36 Chambers by the Wu-tang Clan. It was gritty, it was raw, and it sounded like it was recorded in somebody's basement (Which I believe it was). Not all of the tracks are great, and there are a lot of better Wu-Tang albums (Supreme Clientele comes to mind, as does Liquid Swords), but this was the album that truly got me into the group. You best protect your neck, son!

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3. Purple by Stone Temple Pilots

I honestly don't know why this album is called Purple, given that I don't ever remember seeing the word "Purple" on the cassette I had, but whatever. This is STP's best album. And besides 311, STP was probably my favorite group back in the 90s. I did love their debut album, Core, but it all had the same kind of grungy sound. Purple let the group spread their legs a bit more, while still retaining that signature, husky sound of theirs. It was the perfect medium, as I think their follow-up album, Tiny Music...Songs From the Vatican Gift Shop was a bit too expansive and odd for its own good. Purple was perfect. It was the second album...with 12 gracious melodies...to listen.

(Image taken from: www.unappreciatedscholars.com)

2. Nevermind by Nirvana

Yeah, I know. I'm sorry it's so predictable, but Nevermind truly was the greatest album of the 90s (Though, not my favorite). I can't stand "Smells Like Teen Spirit," but the rest of the album is solid gold. If there were only one Nirvana album that one would have to listen to to get a sense of what they were all about, this is the one. Angst-ridden, angry, poetic, hard, and catchy, let's not forget catchy. I wore out my Walkman listening to this gem so many times. A pure masterpiece of the most astounding kind.

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1. Pony Express Record by Shudder to Think

Okay, even I must admit that I'm cheating a little bit here, as I never heard this album back in the 90s, even though I heard of the band because of Beavis and Butt-Head, where they actually made fun of one of their videos (Even though I actually liked the song they were mocking). That said, once hearing this masterpiece, I can undoubtedly say that I would have adored such a dark and haunting album back then, just as much as I love it now. And given that you've never even heard of this group before, I think you should take it upon yourself to try and track this album down. It's very difficult to find, but it's worth it. It's a masterpiece of sonic brilliance. Probably the most underappreciated album of the 90s. I'm not kidding.

Professor X Has Fart Propulsion in Latest X-Men Poster

I swear, why can't they make decent posters for X-Men movies these days? First, we got that horrible, face in the crotch poster for X-Men: First Class

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And now, we have this hideous joke of a poster.

(Image taken from: en.wikipedia.org)

Granted, not all of the poster is a disaster, but, c'mon! Look at Professor X at the bottom. It looks like he has fart propulsion. I mean, why couldn't they just show his wheelchair? Why did they have to position him over a fireball like that, making him look like he regrets going to Taco Bell last night? I mean, what the hell were they thinking? Was this a joke? I can't see them doing this by accident, as they purposely took away his wheelchair. So my only conclusion is that this must be a joke. They honestly put Sir Patrick Stewart in a position where he's shooting up into the air by his ass while Sentinels fly in and Wolverine does his best romance cover impression. I mean, my God. Who did they think Professor X is? Gamera?

Review: The Gunsmith: Andersonville Vengeance

Andersonville Vengeance by J.R. Roberts
My rating: 1 of 5 stars

This is the second Gunsmith book I've read, and man, is it a stinker. While the first one I read was decent, now that I've read a second book in the series, I think it will be my last. The book is a "Gunsmith Giant Novel," but all that really means is that even more time is wasted with dead ends and little payoff. Plus, the writing is poor, the sex scenes are terrible, and for a western, there really isn't that much action at all. I hate the characters and I hate the series. Don't even bother reading them.

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Review: Blood Meridian

Blood Meridian, or the Evening Redness in the West by Cormac McCarthy
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Blood Meridian is probably the most horrific and terrifying novel I've ever read, and made even more so by the fact that most of it really happened. The story, which has the subheader: "The Evening Redness in the West," should really be called, "White People Acting Terribly to Others," because that's what it basically is. The plot concerns a group of horrible individuals scalping Native Americans for profit, which really happened. The cast of characters are mixed with real, historical figures, like Judge Holden, and characters who may or may not be fictional, like the protagonist of the story (If you really want to call him that) "The Kid."

One of the things that makes this book such a masterpiece is the way it's written. I have never read a book with so many stylistic risks that actually worked. There are a multitude of characters who all have speaking parts, and there are no quotation marks or punctuation besides periods and scant commas whatsoever. Even so, you fall into a sort of hypnotic spell seeing the sprawling page so barren of any clues as to what's going on. It's almost like you're being read a bedtime story and piecing it altogether in your head. It's magnificent.

The other thing that makes this sickening book a masterpiece is the overall scale of it. I've heard many compare this book to Moby Dick, and for good reason. The madness, the journey, and the sheer breadth are all there. But that's where the similarities to the two books end, as Blood Meridian is a sickening novel. Bloodshed and violence are sprayed over almost every page, and it's the most horrific story you will ever read. At times, it made me sick. None of the characters are likeable, and all of them do terrible things to others and also one another. It's an elusive story where you're not supposed to be happy or care for the characters. You're just meant to sit and read and watch, and I've read very few books that can be of that nature and still entirely captivating at the same time. Fear the Judge.

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Review: The Gunsmith (The Last Trail Ride)

The Last Trail Drive by J.R. Roberts
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

This book was good enough. Having never read a Western, besides Shane, of course, I didn't know what to expect with this book. What I got was some cheesy romance, a bland protagonist, and a lot of the tropes that come with westerns. Still, it was a fast read, and it seemed to be from the three pages a chapter, James Patterson school of reading, so it had that going for it. I might read a few more in the series (This was book 342!) when I have the time. It wasn't bad.

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