Thursday, December 25, 2014

The Top Five Worst Movies I Saw in 2014

Being that I still haven't seen The Imitation Game, Selma, A Most Violent Year, and Whiplash yet, I'm hesitant to write a list of the best movies I've seen in 2014. So I decided to write about the worst ones instead. Thankfully, 2014 didn't produce a lot of stinkers. And the ones it did, I mostly skipped (I'm looking at you Transformers 4). So here's a list of the absolute worst dreck I had to sit through this year. You probably saw all of them and liked them. That's where our taste differs, you see.

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5. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

I'm just as surprised as you are that this isn't even higher (Or is that lower?) on the list, but the recent TMNT movie was more mediocre than anything else. It was certainly better than any of those God-awful Transformers movies. What saved it from being a total disaster was all the turtle fight scenes, which were actually quite spectacular...and also incredibly short. The major problem was that this was less a movie about the turtles and more a showcase for Megan Fox's poor acting abilities, as she was the main star. Not the heroes in a half shell (Turtle power!). The Shredder was awful, Master Splinter was a joke, and (spoiler alert) April 'O Neil saves the day. But other than that, it was fine. It could have been a whole lot worse.

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4. The Amazing Spider-Man 2

I genuinely enjoyed the first Amazing Spider-Man movie and actually consider it the best Spider-Man movie ever. So it's heart-breaking that its sequel, The Amazing Spider-Man 2, is the absolute WORST Spider-Man movie of all time. I mean, even worse than emo Peter Parker/skinny Venom, Spider-Man 3 by Sam Raimi. It was seriously that bad, and for a number of reasons. One, it was so cheesy. Jamie Fox as Electro was ghastly, as it was neither funny nor interesting. Two, Green Goblin and The Rhino felt unnecessary to the point that I didn't even know what they were doing movie besides setting up the next one, which is never a good thing. Three, it was way too long. There were so many storylines going on that it became maddening trying to force myself to care about any of them. In the end, none of them worked. There are a slew of other reasons it was horrendous, but those are the three that stick out to me the most. I have now grown tired of the character, and Spider-Man was my hero as a kid. Sony, what have you done?

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3. The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

Oh, my God. Thank God this trilogy (I still can't believe they had the audacity to turn one book into a trilogy of movies), is finally over. Here's a pretty accurate analogy. Star Wars Episodes 4, 5, 6 : Star Wars Episodes 1, 2, 3 :: The Lord of the Rings Trilogy : The Hobbit Trilogy. I'm dead serious. I actually think these Hobbit movies are even worse than the Star Wars prequels, as at least you can tell George Lucas had his heart in the right place when he tried (and failed) with the prequels. But you can tell Peter Jackson truly didn't give a shit when he cobbled together scene after scene of CG creatures fighting other CG creatures, again, and again, and again. How are you going to have a movie about the Hobbit, and then put the title character in the background to the extent that you forget he's even in the movie? By trying to appeal to the diehard Tolkein fans, he alienated everybody else who just wanted a fun, whimsical picture. Kind of like, I don't know, THE BOOK! Anyway, moving on...

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2. Interstellar

What a clumsy and stupid movie. I know Interstellar has its fans, but honestly, I can't find a single noteworthy aspect of merit for this picture. From beginning to end, it was a complete bomb. With its treacly lame theme of love transcending space and time, to its dull as dirt characters, to Matt M's deplorable acting, this movie truly calls Christopher Nolan's directing and writing skills into question. And if that wasn't enough, the actual space exploration was yawn-inducing. Because of Nolan's now grating tendency to make everything as stark and bleak (and, uh, realistic) as possible, the planets ended up being drab wastelands that were neither entertaining or awe-inspiring. As a whole, the whole production left me feeling adrift in my seat, but not in aa good way. I kept thinking back to how much I enjoyed Gravity and wishing I was watching that movie instead. One of the biggest stinkers of the year. What garbage. What tripe.

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1. Godzilla

Not only was Godzilla the worst movie I saw all year. It was also one of the worst movies I've ever seen in my entire life. Where do I begin? Well, for starters, it was an absolute slap in the face to the King of All Monsters. Being a massive Godzilla fan, I can't stress enough how much I hate the fact that Godzilla only fought for a few minutes, and when he did, he spent half that time getting his ass kicked (The scene where he and that kid who played Kick-Ass fell simulataneously made me groan so loudly that multiple patrons turned to look at me). Another thing I hated was how Bryan Cranston was used. Spoiler alert, they KILL off Heisenburg within the first hour of the movie. WHY THE HELL DID THEY DO THAT? We didn't get attached enough to his character to care about him dying, and when he was gone, that meant that Kick-Ass and the pretty Olson sister had to run the show, which was a bad idea from the get-go. What the hell?! Finally (I don't want this to go on too long), the monsters Godzilla contended against were a complete waste of time. They were lame and they shouldn't have been in the picture. There are so many reasons why I absolutely can't stand this movie and even think the Matthew Broderick Godzilla movie was even better than this atrocity, but I'm already getting too upset as it is and don't want to raise my blood pressure. Godzilla was the absolute worst movie of 2014 and I curse it. Curse from the pit of my soul. It was a mistake. An utter and complete mistake.

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