Sunday, December 22, 2013

The Top Ten Worst Movies I Suffered Through in 2013

In many ways, 2013 was a very blah year for films. Sure, there were some damn good flicks (that list is coming soon), but nothing so extraordinary that I would say there's any one movie that deserves to win best picture over another. That said, there have been some really lousy movies this year, and this crop is only the ones I've seen. I didn't see The Counselor or The Hangover: Part III since I knew they were going to be awful. But the movies below, I definitely saw and rolled my eyes at to an unhealthy degree. This year the stinkers came out in droves. How many of these clunkers did you waste your time on this year?

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10. Oz The Great and Powerful

Talk about boring. Evil Dead director, Sam Raimi, had the opportunity to put his strange, demented spin on The Wizard of Oz story, but instead, we got some lackluster drivel that was more meandering than fun. I'm sure Disney had a lot to say about keeping it clean, but come on. This forgettable flick had no charm whatsoever. Even with James Franco making all his funny rapist smiles, it still felt like a modern Tim Burton movie, which isn't good at all. I fell asleep at least twice watching this snoozefest. We're off to see the Zzzz....

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9. Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters

What pisses me off about this movie is that they could have gone super campy with it and didn't. Instead, we got a terrible "action" picture that took itself way too seriously with dialogue that wasn't even remotely funny. The action should have been insane, the storyline bizarre, and the characters should have been spouting off one-liners every two seconds. Basically, I was hoping for another Army of Darkness, but instead, I got Hansel and Gretel: Generic Action Picture. Boo.

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8. Thor: The Dark World

I know I'm often alone when I say this, but I really liked the first Thor movie. I found it hilarious. But a big complaint many people had with it was that there wasn't enough action and adventure. Well, we got that with the second movie, Thor: The Dark World, and let me just tell you that I couldn't have been more disappointed. The action was so cookie-cutter I spent more time looking at the ceiling as I rolled my eyes than I did looking at the screen. Putting more magic in the movie took a lot of magic out of the film itself, as I preferred the god of Asgard in an unfamiliar setting rather then putting all the action in a realm of magic itself. It wasn't a terrible movie by any means, but it was such a step down from its predecessor that I feel I had to put it on this list. How could I not?

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7. Evil Dead

What I hate most about this movie is that with its gratuitous gore and special effects, you can tell it was made for this generation, and it shouldn't have been. If you're going to use the Evil Dead name, it damn well better be for the fans, and this movie certainly isn't, not even with Bruce Campbell saying "Groovy" after the end credits. All of the messy charm of the original movie, which this film is trying to replicate, is gone. In its place, we get even more annoying characters and a lack of anything unique or special about it at all. What stings the most though is that this could have been great if the director really put thought into what made the original such an excellent movie in the first place (Big hint: It wasn't the scares). A remake is a remake is a remake, unfortunately, and this one is one of the worst. Pass.

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6. Star Trek Into Darkness

Star Trek Into Darkness has probably one of the greatest opening moments I've seen in recent movie history, but it all goes downhill when you realize J.J. Abrams lied to everyone and this really was a sort of remake to Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, which everybody is in agreement is the greatest ST movie ever. I feel like the very moment Sherlock (Yes, I know the actor's real name) says that he's Khan is when the movie turns super vanilla. The most groan-inducing moment of the whole enterprise, though (Do you see what I did there?) is when they reverse the Spock/Kirk hand on the glass moment, which only cheapens the film even more when they bring Kirk back in the very next scene. Good Lord, what a trainwreck this was.

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5. The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

What a dumbass movie this was. Just like the last Hobbit movie, this film shouldn't have even been made. The Hobbit, unlike The Lord of the Rings trilogy, is a fun book. It's not dark and it's for children. It's a grand adventure. But these movies, which are also directed by Peter Jackson, have absolutely none of the humor or charm of the book at all. Not only that, but terrible subplots are added like an elf/dwarf love triangle that goes absolutely nowhere. The worst part is, now that I've seen both the first AND the second movie, I HAVE to see the third movie now when it comes out next year. It's just in my nature. So The Hobbit: The Quest for Money now has my money to add to its grand total. Good grief, I feel like I've been robbed.

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4. R.I.P.D.

In truth, R.I.P.D. is the real worst movie of the year as it has no redeeming features whatsoever, not even Jeff Bridges. Still, this Men in Black rip-off isn't number one on this list because even though it's a worthless piece of crap, I still didn't hate it. In fact, I forgot it even came out this year it was so uninteresting. So it's here because, like The Lone Ranger, it's so forgettable that you feel like you wasted your money watching it. So I really can't be that mad at it. I forgot it even existed.

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3. A Good Day to Die Hard

I can say without a shadow of a doubt that A Good Day to Die Hard is the worst big budget action movie I've ever seen. I couldn't be more bored watching this movie. John McClane went from being in peril after losing too much blood in the first movie to being indestructible in this one. How could you even be worried about a character when you KNOW they can't die hard like the title suggests? Add in a worthless new character with his son, and you have a film I was seething while watching. I mean, how could they mess up Die Hard so badly? Die Hard 2 is bad, and Die Hard With a Vengeance errs on being bad, but this movie takes the cake by a longshot. It's terrible! What were they thinking?

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2. Iron Man 3

You want to talk a load of crap? Well, let's talk Iron Man 3 then. I don't even care if you haven't seen it yet, I'm going to spoil it for you. You ever hear of The Mandarin? He's only Iron Man's biggest foe. Well, you know what they do in this steaming pile of crap? They make a mockery of him. And I don't just mean they don't portray him like he is in the comic. No, I mean they literally make a mockery of him by having Ben Kingsley playing an actor that's meant to be the Mandarin. We find out about midway through that there really isn't an evil overlord and that The Mandarin is just a bait and switch to hide the true evil. I mean, what the hell?! Fans of Iron Man have been pining for the Mandarin since the very first IM movie, and this is what we get? A freaking joke?! Besides that, the action sucks, the story is yawn inducing, and the plot is lazy, even for a comic book film. No, just no. Iron Man 3 was a disaster. It shouldn't even exist.

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1. Man of Steel

Here it is, folks. The grand turkey of 2013. Man of Steel is so bad, I find I can no longer trust anybody's opinion on films at all if they said they actually liked it. It's that awful. From the very first second on Planet Krypton I could tell the movie was going to be terrible. Zack Snyder, in his whorish visual effect fashion, made a CG world so unappealing and loud that I knew the rest of the film would go down that path, and it did. The fight scenes, especially the last one where Supes and Zod basically demolish Metropolis is a case study in how not to direct a movie. And the story itself was so corny that I had a hard time not wincing through the entire production. Man of Steel was a complete waste of time and the very worst movie I saw in 2013. But what are your thoughts? What did you hate this year? Sound off in the comments below.

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