Sunday, March 16, 2008

Just for fun: 10,000 BC Review

From what I stayed awake for, 10,000 BC is a vapid, goes nowhere mess from the same mensch who brought us Independence Day and the actually pretty good, The Day After Tomorrow. Unfortunately, this dud from director, Roland Emmerich, doesn’t have the spark of talent of Will Smith from the former, or the catastrophic topicality of the latter. Instead, we’re left with a dull and dragging movie about cavemen who speak perfectly good English corralling Wully Mammoth’s and fighting atop of huge pyramids, which makes this movie not only entirely anachronistic but entirely stupid, too.

But how about I actually tell you what it’s about, shall I? D’Leh (I’m not making up that name) is a caveman who, for some reason or another, ends up leading a group of cavemen against an evil (Evil, as in, he speaks another language and wears a silly wig), power hungry warlord of sorts, all for the love of his lovely, blue eyed, Evolet. Evolet, by the way, is played by the beautiful Camilla Belle, who apparently starred in a movie called The Chumscrubber according to imdb, which is really a useless fact, but then again, 10,000 BC is a useless movie, so I guess it all adds up in the end. Anyway, why D’Leh goes on this quest for Evolet, who’s been captured, is actually pretty hard to describe since I fell asleep at the part where the cavemen were fighting off enormous ostriches and woke up when a blind clairvoyant was talking in baby prattle and having his words translated by a slave wearing a leotard. Honestly, that’s what was going on when my eyes opened at the 90 minute mark.

My friend who did stay awake told me there was something in between about a wragged old mystic who had something to do with Evolet, but he told me that I didn’t miss much. In fact, he told me he wished he had fallen asleep, too.

10,000 BC is one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen, and a waste of $10. Leave and sneak into There Will Be Blood for better results.
Find the review with a prettier backdrop here:


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