Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Why do Vampires Get To Have All the Fun? Werewolves are about a kajillion times cooler

With the recent 30 Days of Night and I Am Legend almost back to back in the cinema calendar, vampire fans have a lot to be grateful for. But then again, don’t they ALWAYS?

Going from campy (Bela Lugosi) to suave (Brad Pitt) to ravenous (er, psychotic vampire #4 in 30 Days), vampires on the big screen have evolved, devolved, and revolted audiences for decades now, and have also become a staple in any rendition of the Monster Mash you can think of.

But what about werewolves? Those sometimes horrible, sometimes huggable creatures of the night that go through horrific night time changes only to wake up in a park butt naked and in the cold never get the kind of respect they deserve, and they damn well should! Werewolves are freaking awesome!

Sure, John Landis did us all a great favor by making his lycanthropic love epic, An American Werewolf in London. And The Howling also does us a great fan service with its demented plot and terrifying events (Isn’t it strange that both films came out in 1981. A Carter Conspiracy, perhaps?)

But what else do we have to show our children, and our grandchildren, and, if global warming doesn’t kill us all, their grandchildren? Jack Nicholson in Howl? Michael J Fox in Teen Wolf? Jason Bateman in Teen Wolf Too?! Come on, pal; now this is REALLY getting scary.

And while yes, you may say that werewolves had their day in the sun (Get it? As opposed to the moon) in the recent Kate Beckinsale vehicle, Underworld, just think about what you’re saying for a minute. That was a movie about vampires…featuring werewolves. It wasn’t a werewolf film where some poor sap gets bitten by a wolf and goes on a horrible killing spree. Rather, it was a movie about a war between sophisticated vampires that drank their blood from wine glasses and werewolves that fought each other in cellars like, well, animals.

Granted, the movie touched on the point that vampires consider themselves upper-class compared to the lowly, proletariat Lycans, but still! It isn’t any less humiliating if you’re a fan of werewolves and the only other movie you can talk about features the star of Arrested Development wearing a denim jacket and a fur suit.

So, my suggestion is that we wolf fans get on the highest surface we can scale (Preferably a roof) pump our hirsute fists and howl to the moon until we get exactly what we want—a fresh new werewolf film in theaters RIGHT NOW. I mean, if that Wendy’s spokesperson can make me love their brand name again just by wearing a red pigtail wig and a utter look of confusion on his face, I certainly think that we, who have an infinitely cooler mascot, can do some pretty rough damage ourselves, don’t you think? So are you with me, or are you with me?

Great, we start our first meeting during the next full moon.

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