The Top Five Worst Movies I Saw in 2014

Being that I still haven't seen The Imitation Game, Selma, A Most Violent Year, and Whiplash yet, I'm hesitant to write a list of the best movies I've seen in 2014. So I decided to write about the worst ones instead. Thankfully, 2014 didn't produce a lot of stinkers. And the ones it did, I mostly skipped (I'm looking at you Transformers 4). So here's a list of the absolute worst dreck I had to sit through this year. You probably saw all of them and liked them. That's where our taste differs, you see.

(Image taken from: en.wikipedia.org)

5. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

I'm just as surprised as you are that this isn't even higher (Or is that lower?) on the list, but the recent TMNT movie was more mediocre than anything else. It was certainly better than any of those God-awful Transformers movies. What saved it from being a total disaster was all the turtle fight scenes, which were actually quite spectacular...and also incredibly short. The major problem was that this was less a movie about the turtles and more a showcase for Megan Fox's poor acting abilities, as she was the main star. Not the heroes in a half shell (Turtle power!). The Shredder was awful, Master Splinter was a joke, and (spoiler alert) April 'O Neil saves the day. But other than that, it was fine. It could have been a whole lot worse.

(Image taken from: www.rottentomatoes.com)

4. The Amazing Spider-Man 2

I genuinely enjoyed the first Amazing Spider-Man movie and actually consider it the best Spider-Man movie ever. So it's heart-breaking that its sequel, The Amazing Spider-Man 2, is the absolute WORST Spider-Man movie of all time. I mean, even worse than emo Peter Parker/skinny Venom, Spider-Man 3 by Sam Raimi. It was seriously that bad, and for a number of reasons. One, it was so cheesy. Jamie Fox as Electro was ghastly, as it was neither funny nor interesting. Two, Green Goblin and The Rhino felt unnecessary to the point that I didn't even know what they were doing movie besides setting up the next one, which is never a good thing. Three, it was way too long. There were so many storylines going on that it became maddening trying to force myself to care about any of them. In the end, none of them worked. There are a slew of other reasons it was horrendous, but those are the three that stick out to me the most. I have now grown tired of the character, and Spider-Man was my hero as a kid. Sony, what have you done?

(Image taken from: en.wikipedia.org)

3. The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies

Oh, my God. Thank God this trilogy (I still can't believe they had the audacity to turn one book into a trilogy of movies), is finally over. Here's a pretty accurate analogy. Star Wars Episodes 4, 5, 6 : Star Wars Episodes 1, 2, 3 :: The Lord of the Rings Trilogy : The Hobbit Trilogy. I'm dead serious. I actually think these Hobbit movies are even worse than the Star Wars prequels, as at least you can tell George Lucas had his heart in the right place when he tried (and failed) with the prequels. But you can tell Peter Jackson truly didn't give a shit when he cobbled together scene after scene of CG creatures fighting other CG creatures, again, and again, and again. How are you going to have a movie about the Hobbit, and then put the title character in the background to the extent that you forget he's even in the movie? By trying to appeal to the diehard Tolkein fans, he alienated everybody else who just wanted a fun, whimsical picture. Kind of like, I don't know, THE BOOK! Anyway, moving on...

(Image taken from: www.hollywoodreporter.com)

2. Interstellar

What a clumsy and stupid movie. I know Interstellar has its fans, but honestly, I can't find a single noteworthy aspect of merit for this picture. From beginning to end, it was a complete bomb. With its treacly lame theme of love transcending space and time, to its dull as dirt characters, to Matt M's deplorable acting, this movie truly calls Christopher Nolan's directing and writing skills into question. And if that wasn't enough, the actual space exploration was yawn-inducing. Because of Nolan's now grating tendency to make everything as stark and bleak (and, uh, realistic) as possible, the planets ended up being drab wastelands that were neither entertaining or awe-inspiring. As a whole, the whole production left me feeling adrift in my seat, but not in aa good way. I kept thinking back to how much I enjoyed Gravity and wishing I was watching that movie instead. One of the biggest stinkers of the year. What garbage. What tripe.

(Image taken from: en.wikipedia.org)

1. Godzilla

Not only was Godzilla the worst movie I saw all year. It was also one of the worst movies I've ever seen in my entire life. Where do I begin? Well, for starters, it was an absolute slap in the face to the King of All Monsters. Being a massive Godzilla fan, I can't stress enough how much I hate the fact that Godzilla only fought for a few minutes, and when he did, he spent half that time getting his ass kicked (The scene where he and that kid who played Kick-Ass fell simulataneously made me groan so loudly that multiple patrons turned to look at me). Another thing I hated was how Bryan Cranston was used. Spoiler alert, they KILL off Heisenburg within the first hour of the movie. WHY THE HELL DID THEY DO THAT? We didn't get attached enough to his character to care about him dying, and when he was gone, that meant that Kick-Ass and the pretty Olson sister had to run the show, which was a bad idea from the get-go. What the hell?! Finally (I don't want this to go on too long), the monsters Godzilla contended against were a complete waste of time. They were lame and they shouldn't have been in the picture. There are so many reasons why I absolutely can't stand this movie and even think the Matthew Broderick Godzilla movie was even better than this atrocity, but I'm already getting too upset as it is and don't want to raise my blood pressure. Godzilla was the absolute worst movie of 2014 and I curse it. Curse from the pit of my soul. It was a mistake. An utter and complete mistake.

The Ten Worst Movies I've Ever Seen In My Entire Life

Plan 9 From Outer Space. Manos: The Hands of Fate. Troll 2. These aren't bad movies, mainly because people derive great enjoyment from them year after year. And isn't that the ultimate point of movies in the first place, for people to enjoy them? I think so, and that's why I can't include them on this list of the ten worst movies I've ever seen in my entire life. So, without further ado, on with the list.

(Image taken from: imagesdb.net)

10. X-Men Origins: Wolverine

It takes a pretty terrible movie to ruin not one, but two fan favorite Marvel characters, but X-Men Origins: Wolverine managed to do it. Deadpool, played by Ryan Reynolds (Groan), was an absolute disaster, and Gambit, played by Taylor Kitsch, couldn't be any less like the ragin' Cajun. To add insult to injury, it probably has the very worst CG in any of the X-Men movies. The scene where Wolvierine is in the bathroom is particularly awful, as his claws look TERRIBLE! How did they mess that up so badly? His claws looked fine in all the other X-Men movies. Gawd! I mean, jeez Louise. A movie so bad that its sequel, The Wolverine, pretended like it never even existed, as it shouldn't have. What a mess.

(Image taken from: www.godzilla-movies.com)

9. Godzilla (2014)

It's my hatred for movies like Godzilla that makes people think I have terrible taste in movies. Either that, or they think I'm too hard on movies that are only meant to be fun. But no, Godzilla is a f**king train wreck. Everything about it is terrible. The tone is off (Dark film equals evil Godzilla, lighter film equals hero Godzilla), the main character is that kid from Kick-Ass, and when Godzilla is finally in the movie, he's only there for about ten minutes. And he sucks. As a massive Godzilla fan who has seen every last one of his movies, I find all of this inexcusable and an insult to Godzilla's name. I didn't think it could be possible to find a Godzilla movie even worse than the one that came out in the 90s, but this is it. This is that turd.

(Image taken from: www.crankycritic.com)

8. Madea's Family Reunion

All of the Madea movies suck. Every last one of them. But while each one may have at least one funny thing that happens in them (Madea takes out her gun, Mr. Brown does a little dance), this movie is devoid of any humor whatsoever. I mean, there are absolutely NO laughs in it. Not a one. I don't think I've ever sat through a "comedy" where I didn't chuckle at least once, but I didn't with this movie. I couldn't even crack a smile. Out of all of the Madea movies I've seen, this is by far the worst. When it was over, I shouted "Hallelujar!"

(Image taken from: en.wikipedia.org)

7. 2012

Roland Emmerich makes garbage. Some of it is tolerable garbage (Independence Day, The Day After Tomorrow) And some of it is even good garbage (White House Down). But the fact is, Emmerich makes the kind of loud, obnoxious movies that you can turn your brain off to and veg out to for a good couple of hours. I think of him as a slightly more talented Michael Bay. He's not so bad. But, reaching Michael Bay levels of awfulness was 2012, which is such a massive waste of time that I probably spent half of its run-time looking at the ceiling from rolling my eyes so much. This movie is so bad, that when the audience started clapping during certain scenes, I booed as loudly as I could to drown them out. I'm usually not that much of a jerk, but I felt compelled to be one watching this movie. 2012 really did bring out the worst in me.

(Image taken from: www.imdb.com)

6. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3

This one still stings. TMNT3 is such an insult to my beloved turtles, that I've tried to repress the memory of it for countless years. But the fact is, it still exists. I could say more, but James Rolfe, better known as The Angry Video Game Nerd, complains about it better than I ever could. Watch.

(Image taken from: en.wikipedia.org)

5. Sucker Punch

I'm pretty sure Sucker Punch is the only movie I've actually gotten a headache watching. Directed by Zack Snyder, this loud, colorful (Too colorful) mess of a movie has a stupid plot, terrible pacing, and characters you don't give a flying f**k about. If only this were the only Zack Snyder movie I would consider one of the worst movies I've ever seen...

(Image taken from: en.wikipedia.org)

4. 10,000 B.C.

Another bomb from Roland Emmerich, this movie is so bad that I decided within only five minutes of watching it that I was going to take a $10 nap. This alone should put this movie even higher on the list, but one scene in particular keeps it from hitting rock bottom, and it's so bad, it's actually good. I've derived countless laughs from it. My friend even woke me from my nap just to see it. He knew I would laugh my ass off. He was right.

(Image taken from: en.wikipedia.org)

3. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Oh, God. Michael Bay. It's actually pretty surprising that I don't have any of his other movies on this list. The man is just awful. He started out well with movies like Bad Boys and The Rockbut he has sunken so low in quality that I don't even bother to expect his movies to be any good anymore. They won't be. All of his recent ones suck. And out of these recent films, I find Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen to be his very worst. That said, I haven't seen the recent one and I don't plan on it. And I would probably say the third one is his worst if I hadn't fallen asleep during it, so I really can't make the call. But two is just terrible. Not only that, but it's also offensive with Mudflap and Skid, or, as I refer to them as, the "Nig bots." Every time they came on the screen I became infuriated. Here were these two autobots that were obviously supposed to be black, and Michael Bay played them to be complete idiots. I couldn't take it. I just couldn't. And then you had the rest of that bombastic trash vomitted on the screen, and what you ended up with was a marathon of nonsense that was very difficult to sit through. Definitely one of the worst experiences I've ever had in a movie theater.

(Image taken from: www.wayland.ws)

2. Man of Steel

I mean, talk about a load of garbage. Man of Steel is unbelievably bad. The whole time, I couldn't understand why it had to be so dark or why Superman had to KILL General Zod. None of it made any sense, and it was even super corny. When Amy Adams says, "Welcome to the Planet" at the end of the movie, signifying both the planet Earth and the Daily Planet newspaper, I pretty much lost it, I was so angry. It was so stupid and boring that I was pretty close to calling it the very worst film I have ever seen in my entire life, but there is still one worse...

(Image taken from: www.listal.com)

1. Rollerball

Oh, man. You have no idea how lucky you are that you've never seen this movie. I mean, the original with James Caan is great, and it still holds up today. But the remake...well, words cannot describe how much I detested it. I usually give films I hate a second chance, like Man of Steel. The second time through, it's still terrible. But Rollerball is on a whole other level of awful. It's all a blur, really, and all I remember about it was Paul Hayman, Jean Reno, and the very last line of the movie, which involved Rebecca Rominjn suggesting that all problems could be solved, "IN BED." This, my friends, is the very WORST movie I have ever seen in my entire life, and I will never watch it again. You couldn't pay me to sit through it a second time. Oh, God!



Honorable mentions: Van Helsing, The Happening, Elektra, Jeepers Creepers, Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance

Why Godzilla 2014 Bites the Big One (Minor Spoilers)

(Image taken from: www.youtube.com)

I wish I could say, "How could they f**k up Godzilla so badly, but the 1998 Roland Emmerich atrocity can already answer that question. But I have another question--How could they f**k up Godzilla so badly AGAIN?! I have quite a few complaints about this new movie, but I'll keep this blog post down to only six. The first one being:

(image taken from: collider.com)

1. Why is Kick-Ass's role in this movie more important than Godzilla's?

Aaron Taylor-Johnson has a name (duh, it's Aaron Taylor-Johnson), but his name doesn't matter. As far as I'm concerned, he'll always be Kick-Ass to me, and that's both a good and a bad thing. It's good because it means that he's solidified himself as a character in my mind and I'll always remember his face for it, kind of like that racist guy, Kramer. But it's bad because it's the only role I can ever see him in as I don't think he's a good enough actor to be anything else, so his omnipresence in this film is troubling. It's mostly because his doughy face can't emote the kind of expressions it needs to when there's a giant, atomic breathing monster stomping through your city. He's a boring actor, and the more you see him, the more you just want him to go away so that there's more screen time for Godzilla. But more on that in a few.

(image taken from: www.businessinsider.com)

2. Bryan Cranston is barely even in it

When I first heard that not only would there be a new Godzilla movie, but that Bryan Cranston would also be in it, you have no idea how ecstatic I was. Breaking Bad is my favorite show of all time. But then, I saw the movie, and guess what. Bryan Cranston is barely even in it. Yeah, that's right. Even though he's in pretty much all the trailers and commercials, he's only in the actual movie for about 20 minutes and then...well, I won't spoil it for you, but the marketing team LIED their asses off by making it seem like he might have been the star of the movie. I was expecting a cerebral film with a giant monster destroying a city, but they prevaricated and we got a stupid creature feature with Kick-Ass instead. What a joke! Screw those assholes!

(Image taken from: turntherightcorner.com)

3. NONE of the characters matter!

There sure are a lot of characters in this movie. Too bad none of them are interesting (Except for Bryan Cranston, who is barely even in it like I said before). Besides Kick-Ass, this movie also features Elizabeth Olsen, Ken Watanabe, and Sally Hawkins, but seriously, NONE of their characters even matter in the great scheme of things. Sally Hawkins probably only has three lines in the entire movie. Elizabeth Olsen, who plays Kick-Ass's wife, doesn't do or say anything worth mentioning. And as my good friend, Lemma, mentioned last night when we were talking about the movie, Ken Watanabe's role is pretty much just relegated to looking at things. Oh, and to say, "Godzilla" as the camera pans in on his face. I mean, good Lord, what were they thinking? Why waste such good talent? Jeez!

(Image taken from: www.ticketslk.com)

4. I don't believe the world set up here

A lot of people rag on Cloverfield, but one thing that movie got very right was the world set up in that film. Putting the focus on ground-level, which this movie tries to do, but fails, we got a sense of just how horrifying and shocking it would be if giant monsters just showed up out of nowhere and started wrecking shit. But in this movie, we never truly get a sense of that. Sure, we see people screaming and we see mass destruction (Mostly AFTER the fact), but it's not as believable as it was in Cloverfield. You really got a sense of the sheer terror of something of that nature really happening in that movie. This film totally botched that, probably because it mostly focused on the military. Big mistake.

(image taken from: moviepilot.com)

5. MUTO sucks ASS

Godzilla's main adversary in this film is something called MUTO, which is an acronym for something, but it's so dumb that I don't feel like looking it up. There are actually two MUTO, a male and a female, but they are so bland that I could care less. One could fly (the male), and one had a glowing underbelly of offspring (the female, obviously), but they both looked like shit because they were so bland. They were basically the Cloverfield monster in a nutshell. I mean, what gives? Couldn't the design team be a bit more creative with the character designs? Also, before the film came out, a bunch of morons who studied the trailer as if they were scrutinizing their taxes, thought they saw multiple different monsters Godzilla would be facing off against, but no. There's only MUTO in the final product and MUTO sucks. Gigan they ain't.

(image taken from: www.godzilla-movies.com)

6. Godzilla is a f**king wimp

Okay, the biggest insult of them all is what they did to Godzilla, which is unforgivable. First, Godzilla, like Bryan Cranston, is barely even in this movie at all (He's teased constantly, but never really kicking ass until about the last 15 minutes), and then, when he's finally truly present, he sucks, getting his ass mostly handed to him by MUTO. Now, I have no problem with Godzilla getting beaten up, as he's outnumbered here. But when you basically have the characters talk up Godzilla to be the shit that he truly is, why would you have him basically get his ass stomped down when he finally gets down to business? That doesn't make any sense. It's only when Godzilla is one-on-one with a MUTO that he can actually take them down, which he does with ugly looking atomic breath that looks even worse than it did in the old Godzilla movies. It almost looks like blue fire, which it's not supposed to at all. Also, why is Godzilla a good guy in this movie? Godzilla has been a good guy in the past, but only in the silly, comical Godzilla movies. But this movie, which is very serious, has him almost being a savior for mankind. I'm surprised they didn't change his name so his initials were JC, for Jesus Christ. It didn't make any sense. What always made villain Godzilla awesome was that he had total disregard for mankind. Hell, he was meant to represent the atom bomb back in the day. But here, he avoids buildings whenever he can, lets ships sail beside him, and doesn't seem to want to step on any humans. I mean, why? Why did they make Godzilla a good guy in this picture? And why didn't they have more of him? Honestly, this was the biggest problem I had with this film, and it's why I seriously hate it SO much. Godzilla 2014 bites the big one. Don't watch it if you have any love for Godzilla whatsoever. You will just be disappointed.