Five Stories That Have Cooler Titles as Books Than As Movies

Books are cool. Movies are cool. But movies based off of books are usually a hit or miss affair. And even though a great portion of the movie industry is built off of stories taken from books, very few of them do a great job of portraying the books that they're based off of.

But this article isn't about that. This article is about the TITLE of the book, which is ALWAYS better than the movie's that spawn from them. Here's a list of five movies that sounded better with their original titles. See how many you've read.

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1. The book: Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep?

Wow. That's actually a really deep question, Mr. Philip K. Dick. I haven't even read the novel yet and you already have me thinking. That's how I originally felt when I first heard the title of the book, and I fell in love with it from that moment on. The story is just as deep as the title and it's a beautifully dark story. Much more beautiful than the movie.

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The movie: Blade Runner

To be honest with you, Blade Runner isn't a bad name for a movie. It's actually cool. But it just doesn't have the thought provoking qualities of its book's namesake. Also, when I start to think into it more, I begin to think it has something to do with running with scissors, and then it loses its cool factor, altogether. It makes me think of kindergarten, like, don't run with scissors, young man. And how is THAT cool? It isn't. Stick to the original title next time, dumbasses.

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2. The book: The Eagle of the Ninth

I never read the book, but it actually sounds like it MEANS something. I want to read a book with that title. The Ninth what? Ninth infantry? Ninth battalion? What? I know what an eagle is, but that ninth part is intriguing. It makes me what to find out why it's called that and that's what makes it a great title. The mystery that's involved. It's perfect.

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The movie: The Eagle

Huh? The Eagle? With Channing Tatum? You mean the guy from Step Up? And he's the eagle? No. He's a soldier? Wait, then what's the eagle then? What do you mean the Eagle is just symbolic? So it's not about the bird? The bird doesn't even have anything do with it? Then why is it called The Eagle then?! What a dumb title. Screw this flick. Screw this flick to hell.

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3. The book: Heart of Darkness

Joseph Conrad's novella actually has a double-meaning. There's the literal one, of a heart actually being filled with the darkness of evil. And the more subtle, harsher one of calling the people of Africa the heart of darkness, their skin color being the center. Great novella, great title.

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The movie: Apocalypse Now

Don't get me wrong. Apocalypse Now is my favorite movie of all time. But the title is just silly. It's implying that every time you watch it, it's the apocalypse. It's like Harold Camping predicting the weather. There will be a slight overcast followed by the four horsemen in your evening commute. Silly title, great movie.

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4. The book: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Charlie is the protagonist, so it makes sense that it's called that. Charlie is the star and he's GOING to the Chocolate Factory. Makes sense, donut?

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The movie: Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

I know Willy Wonka is a funny name, but the studios had no right to take Charlie out of the title and replace it with the wacky one with the purple hat. It's like implying that the movie is all about Willy Wonka, and it's not. The title's deceiving.

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5. The book: The Lawnmower Man

I'll read anything by Stephen King. Anything. Even if it's called Old Man Poops His Trousers. I don't care. Stephen King can write and it doesn't matter what he titles his stories. They're going to be awesome, no question. Even something called, The Lawnmower Man

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The movie: The Lawnmower Man

Same title, but, man, does that sound dumb as a movie. The Lawnmower Man? You're joking, right? No? Well, jokes on me then, I guess.

What makes matters worse is when the trailer makes the movie look like a cross between Flowers For Algernon and a pornographic version of the show Reboot. What a bloody mess. I can't believe this was made.

My Top Ten Favorite Lines That I've Stolen From TV And Movies

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There are literally HUNDREDS of catchphrases in movies and TV that are legendary today: "D'oh," "Hey, I'm walking here!" "Kiss my grits!" The list goes on and on. But this is not that list. While those phrases have persisted and become a part of the American lexicon and speech, these phrases below are personal favorites of mine that I just can't stop saying, no matter how many times I'm told to shut up already. So, here they are. My top ten favorite phrases that I've stolen from movies and TV. See if any of these make your list.

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10. "Groovy," said by Ash in Evil Dead 2 and Army of Darkness

So, yeah, sure, the word "Groovy," isn't exactly original material. But it's the WAY that it's said by Bruce Campbell in Evil Dead 2 and it's sequel, Army of Darkness that's so awesome. It's pretty much my substitute for the word, "Cool." And hey, even Earthworm Jim says it!

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9. "Sit perfectly still. Only I may dance," said by Conan 'O Brien on The Simpsons

I don't dance often, but when I do, and there are other people around, I always say this line, imitating Conan's ridiculous dance in the process. Those who are not Simpsons fans are utterly baffled, and those who are, well, those people are typically my friends.

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8. "I'd buy THAT for a dollar!" said by creepy looking guy with a mustache in Robocop

It doesn't really matter what it is, if you're in a dollar store, and I'm in the same store but in another aisle, you might just hear somebody shout, "I'd buy THAT for a dollar." Yeah, that would be me.

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7. "Ooohhh, Dee Vee, I wish you were my soooooon," song by Tim and Eric on the Chrimbus Special

This is actually a pretty recent one. I can't get this song out of my head and I sometimes sing it to my fiance, even though her name is not Dee Vee and I don't wish she was my son.

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6. "I'll be back, Bennett," said by John Matrix in Commando

Every bad guy should wear chain mail underneath their coat, and no bad guy is as hardcore as Bennett. So whenever somebody pisses me off and they're closing their car door, I make sure that open it back up, peek my head in, and deliver this groovy line. It strikes fear in the hearts of men every time.

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5. "Ahhhh?" said by David Lo Pan in Big Trouble in Little China

If I didn't quite hear what you said, you get an "Ahhhh?" with my hand to my ear. End of story.

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4. "Terminate...with extreme prejudice," said by Jerry, a CIA Civilian in Apocalypse Now

I hate centipedes. And while I can't kill them on my own, unless they're babies, I always make somebody else do it. And when I do, I say this line...From the other room, of course.

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3. "Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentation of their women," said by Conan in Conan the Barbarian

It's unreal how much mileage I get out of this line. And I don't only use it when people ask me my thoughts on the meaning of life, either, but also for other things as well. Like when somebody asks me, "How was work today?" I always say, "I crushed my enemies, saw them driven before me, and heard the lamentation of their women. What's for dinner?" I mean, what else could I possibly say?

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2. "What ain't no country I ever heard of," said by Jules in Pulp Fiction

I actually like to lure people into this line, which is kind of a dick thing to do, I know. But usually, I like to say something really low so that the person I'm talking to has to lean in close and say "What?" which is when I deliver this line. Usually, in a shouting manner.

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1. "Sheeeeeeiiittt," said by Clay Davis in The Wire

I probably say this line at least once a day. It's definitely the most accessible of all the lines on this list (I mean, how many times do YOU say "shit" in a given day?). I try to elongate the word for as long as possible, sometimes, until I actually have to take a breath. And you KNOW that that's a good "Sheeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiitttttttttt," if I had to take a breath.



What are some of YOUR favorite lines?

The Academy Sucks When it Comes to Picking the Best Picture of the Year

Apocalypse Now is the greatest American film of all time. Don't believe me? Watch.



I mean, it was SO good, that even The Animaniacs had to get in on that.



But you know what beat it in 1979 for best picture? Kramer v. f'in Kramer. Now, don't get me wrong, KvK, is an excellent film. It has great performances in it by both Dustin Hoffman and Meryl Streep, who both deserved their Oscars, but seriously, who's talking about KvK today? Besides the occasional joke on Family Guy, the answer to that is nobody.



You want to know the real reason why Francis Ford Coppola's other master work didn't get Best Picture? Because The Deer Hunter, which is another Vietnam epic, won it the year prior.

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Now, The Deer Hunter is another great film, albeit, really slow, but it is in no way anywhere near the masterpiece that Apocalypse Now is. But the folks at the Academy probably said, (And please hear this in the stuffiest voice that you can imagine), "We cahn't have another Nam film win after The Dear Hunter wahan last year. We simply cahn't! Let's give it to that deevorce flim." Or something like that.

So, why am I bringing this up now? Well, because, here we go again with the Academy on the path to making another dumb decision. For those who don't know, the Academy consists of many people, from writers, to producers, to actors, and directors, who vote on the various films that are up for the title. Many times, certain films pull ahead of the others and are the top contenders that can't be beaten. This year, those top two films are The Social Network.

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and The King's Speech.

Personally, I'd much rather see The Fighter or Black Swan, or even Toy Story 3 be the top contenders, because frankly, I think their better films, but you get what you get. That said, if either of the two aforementioned locked films should win, I think it should be The Social Network. Why? Because it speaks to these times. If ever there was a zeitgeist picture, then this is it. But now, there's word that the stuffy, old (And boring, when Geoffrey Rush and Colin Firth aren't on the screen together) picture, The King's Speech might have pulled ahead, and all I can say to that is why? Why would a film like this, which, while it has its merits, be the top contender for best picture? How is it better or even more memorable than The Social Network? How could any in their right mind think that? Really, The King's Speech is one of those familiar, dusty films that the Academy used to fawn over before No Country For Old Men took it home. It's like Amadeus or The English Patient, but not nearly as yawn-inducing as those two snooze-fests.

Honestly, the only time I think the Academy truly got it right for best picture was in 1969 for Midnight Cowboy, mostly because it's one of those films that still holds up magnificently today. And that's because it's a time capsule, really, for the late 60s, early 70s, that whenever it's unlocked, reveals a genuine truth about society and the times that something like Anne of the Thousand Days or Hello, Dolly! never could.



And just like that picture, I think The Social Network will be looked back upon fondly as a film that really spoke to a generation. So, please Academy, don't make this another The English Patient year. I'd love to see The Fighter take it all, but I know that that's never going to happen. So, please consider the impact The Social Network will have in the years to come. But of course they won't. Why? Because as the title of this article says, the Academy sucks when it comes to picking the best picture of the year.