You Know What? Netflix Can Go to Hell

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Am I a satisfied customer of Netflix? Hell no, I'm not a satisfied customer of Netflix! Netflix can go and eat some rancid, old man's booty hole. Not once, but TWICE now have they sent me garbage in the mail. And I'm not just talking about their suggestions for me (Though, those are pretty bad, too). I'm talking about discs that keep on skipping endlessly at the best parts. First, it was with Twin Peaks, which is finally streaming now, thank God. And now, it's with Boogie Nights, which ISN'T streaming now, by God.

Damn, don't you guys ever check your DVDs before you send them back out to people? Some guy might have rubbed his greasy genitals all over the disc and then, scratched it like Africa Bambaataa. But it's not like YOU guys would ever know. Because all YOU guys ever do is just mail it out to the next sucker on the queue without even checking if there's any damage. Well, you know what? FUNK DAT! You guys blow the big one.

(Picture of Africa Bambaataa taken from: blogs.miaminewtimes.com)



And you know what ELSE sucks? I just bought a brand new phone. A Droid, no less. And guess what? Netflix doesn't even WORK on it. That's right, readers. They're such a piece of sheet company, that their garbage doesn't even support it. Back on my old iPhone, Netflix skipped on it like crazy. And now, on my new Droid, it doesn't even function. What a load of crap. If this happens one more time, I'm switching back to Blockbuster. Their selection might suck, but at least they're reliable.

But what do YOU think I should do? Suggestions are always welcomed.

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Why Did "The Killing" Start off So Damn Slow?

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Let me just start this off by saying that the second hour of AMC's new show, The Killing, wasn't so bad. The second episode, which I think was called "The Cage" or something like that according to my DVR, picked up toward the end and leads one to believe that this is a story that may be going somewhere. But that first episode. God, that first episode was torture!

But my question is this? Why is the first episode of any show ever boring? As a writer, it's constantly hammered into my head in seminars that the first chapter, nay, the first PAGE, is essential for getting the audience to stick around. So why does TV neglect this so often? Another AMC show, Rubicon had such a terrible first episode that even when my friends kept telling me, "The show got better, Rich. The show got better," I kept telling them, "There's no way in HELL I'm going to watch that garbage, guys. That first episode was balls."

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Is it any wonder that the show only lasted one season? They lost me at hello.

That said, please don't think that I hate shows that aren't filled with explosives or special affects as I really don't mind if a show has a slow burn. I mean, just look at Twin Peaks for instance. That show and this new one pretty much have the same exact premise: Some white girl gets murdered, and now, the whole town is suspect. I get it. But here's where David Lynch's old show succeeded in its pilot where The Killing kind of failed. Twin Peaks offered something bizarre. Now, I'm not saying that ALL shows have to offer something offbeat for their first episode, but that's what separated Twin Peaks instantly from other detective stories of a similar nature. It was just so weird, from the music, to the camera shots, to everything. Watch:



But The Killing doesn't have any of that, and though it looks like the show is going to invest its time in showing us all of the characters, none of them really seem all that interesting besides that one skeevy detective who swallows his words and offers children marijuana to find new information. Him, I like.

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Overall, though, The Killing starts out slow and it drags. I've talked to some people this morning who liked it and they said that it's really meant to be slow and that I was wrong to hate on it just because it was putting me to sleep. Well, okay, I can see that if you like it, it's okay to defend it. But why am I wrong for hating that it put me to sleep? What's wrong with quick pacing anyway? Some people make it seem like it's a bad thing, especially for a first episode where the characters are just getting established. But look at Breaking Bad, which is another AMC show that is so good that I'll pretty much give anything on AMC a shot. The pacing for that first episode is unbelievable. There's never a slow moment in it.



Sure, the premise is WAY different for that show, and The Killing is meant to be slow paced. But slow paced doesn't necessarily mean that it has to drag, and The Killing definitely does, at least for the first episode anyway. But I don't know. What are your thoughts on this? Do you think it's okay for a first episode to drag? Please leave your thoughts in the comments box below.

The Top Ten TV Intros That I've Ever Seen

Intros to TV shows are supposed to pump you up. They're supposed to put a smile on your face and make you tilt your head to the side like you're a school girl taking a picture with a giant lolly. To sum it up, TV intros are supposed to be awesome. The thing is, not many of them are. I can count like, 20, in the history of the idiot box. That said, I don't have the energy to write a top 20, so here are my top 10. If you disagree, note that you probably checked your soul at the gun store and don't have one any more.

10. New York Undercover

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Okay, so you've never even heard of this show before. That doesn't mean that it still doesn't have one of the best intros ever. The sax is soothing, the images are vivid, and it doesn't look all that 90s, even though it was TOTALLY a 90s show. In short, it's superb. Check it out.



9. Duck Tales

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Was Duck Tales a great show? Eh, not really. I mean, it was watchable, as most cartoons were when we were younger, but was it actually good? Nope. It was really just subpar. But you know what WASN'T subpar? That theme song. Duck Tales, whoo hoo! It doesn't get much better than that.



And look, it's even great in Hindi! That's proof of a great song!



8. Taxi

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Taxi is such a chill show with laughs in all the right places, and this intro is equally chill, with a swell keyboard melody that just makes you smile and go, "Oh, man, I LOVE this show!" If this were a longer list, I'd put Cheers on here, too, but it's not. So Taxi gets the spot.



7. The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers

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I'm going to be honest with you. When I was younger, I didn't really like the Power Rangers. It wasn't until I got older that I actually dug their cheesiness and outlandish explosions. But something I've ALWAYS loved is the intro, as its searing guitars and "Go, Go, Power Rangers!" chant really made me want to go out and kill some Puddy Patrol. And also be the black ranger.



6. The Cosby Show

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The Cosby Show had a lot of intros, but none were as funny as season 3's, where Cosby is basically making the funniest faces in the world. I wish I could show it to you here on this blog, but its embedding abilities have been disabled by request. Stupid brilliant Cosby Show. You can find the intro here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OS6wZl7G-QE&feature=relmfu

5. X:Men-The Animated Series

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I talked about this intro in my discussion on the best cartoons of the 90s, because seriously, it doesn't get much more intense than this. The thumping beginning, the awesome shots of all of the main mutants, and that last scene of all of the good guys colliding with the bad guys is just so killer. I mean, man, this is what I call a jump off your couch intro. It's just so badass.



4. Twin Peaks

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Twin Peaks is weird, and it should be. It's partly the brainchild of David Lynch, the king of weird. But the intro is surprisingly...relaxing. It's just the kind of intro that gets you into the atmospheric mood of the show. It's as close to perfect as I can think of.



3. The Wayans Bros.

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Okay, this intro is just ridiculous. I remember the first time I watched it, I seriously couldn't even follow the show because I was laughing so hard from the intro when the old woman gets hit by a bus...and then wipes herself off. This is definitely the funniest intro I've ever seen. And the show wasn't that bad, either.



2. The Twilight Zone

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The Twilight Zone is definitely up there with The Simpsons as one of my favorite TV shows of all time. But unlike The Simpsons, The Twilight Zone has a phenomenal intro (Yeah, I said it) that really grabs you from the very beginning. It's going to be hard to top THIS intro. But one actually does.



1. Thundercats

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Ask me a single thing about the show, and I couldn't tell you what it was about. But ask me about the intro, and I could tell you every single detail. Thundercats is the quintessential example of an intro that's even better than the show, and you know I'm right. Also, if you just heard the theme song from the other room, you might not be all that impressed. But when you combine the music WITH the images, oh, boy. You had yourself some fist pumping, foot stomping, head banging going on. Seriously, I'm pretty sure the birth of Hyphy began from this intro.

How the Hell was Twin Peaks So Popular Back In the Day?

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Now, don't get me wrong. I love, love, LOVE David Lynch. Love him. I consider all of his films classics (Except for Dune, which blows, and Inland Empire, which is unwatchable). But Twin Peaks, which ran for two seasons back in 1990 and 1991 is, well, weird. Not only weird, but David Lynch weird, and I'm surprised that anybody really liked it back when it was on.

Now, I'm not saying that I'm surprised that David Lynch has his fans, because as much as I would like not to believe it, there are actually people out there who are just as weird as I am. But how did this show become SO popular back then? I watched the pilot last night, and man, it's as strange as it gets. The characters act all goofy, which is typical of Lynch, the plot is reeeeeally slow, and the atmosphere is more important than the story (At least, this early on, it is), so I'm really wondering how people would have enjoyed such a show like this. I mean, it's not like any of Lynch's movies are blockbusters or anything like that, so how did so many people cling onto THIS show like they did?

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I hear a lot of people compare it to Lost these days, but no, so far, from what I've already seen, Twin Peaks is NOTHING like Lost. I mean, just watch this:



What the hell was THAT? For Lynch fans, that's normal, but for everyday America? How could they have accepted that? I guess people were just more accepting of the abstract in the early 1990s.

Here's the excellent intro to the show. It's so serene, but haunting, which again, is typical of Lynch.



And for those who don't even know what the term "Lynchian," means, I try to display it here in this video. I'm not sure if I really do it any justice though.