Review: Harry Potter and the Cursed Child

Harry Potter and the Cursed Child - Parts One and Two by J.K. Rowling
My rating: 1 of 5 stars

Harry Potter and the Cursed Child should be called, Harry Potter and the Search for More Money. This is such a crummy cash-grab that I'm really surprised that J.K. Rowling would read the script and then say, "Yeah. That's cool. Let's make this canon." It's just so poorly written that I can't stand it. It's certainly the worst play I've ever read before in my entire life.

The characters are an annoyance rather than full of life like in the novels, and there is virtually no magic in this play whatsoever, whereas the books were nothing but magic. I don't even think seeing this performed would make it any better what with all of these corny lines, and its stupid plot. Harry Potter's son, Albus, and Draco Malfoy's son, Scorpius, go on an adventure together. But what really annoys me is that it centers on my favorite book in the series, and just makes a mockery of it with this story being so crummy. I cringed throughout most of the script and couldn't believe that it was so bad.

Also, and this is SUPER annoying, but one thing that I loved about all the Harry Potter books is that even though they had these really strange subheaders (i.e. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince), you always found out later in the story why it was given that strange title. But even after finishing this book, I couldn't tell you who the "Cursed child" is in question. Why is that? I understand the idea of, "Hey, let's let the reader decide for themselves." But if a function of all the titles for The Harry Potter books was to reveal what this has to do with the wizarding world of Harry Potter, then why stray from that tradition? Honestly, this play makes me question why I fell in love with Harry Potter in the first place. A waste of time, paper, and the actors who fill out these roles. Don't read it.

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The 10 Greatest Wizards in Video Games

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Here's my latest article for Complex. It's about wizards. Check it out here.

The Top 10 Greatest Movie Trailers of All Time

(Image taken from: thedarkknightrises.com)

It's interesting. Movie trailers are supposed to get you interested in a film before the film comes out. But so many times in recent memory, the movie is actually BETTER than the trailer (Which is why Red band trailers are awesome--we get to see what a movie really is without pussy-footing around the ratings board). Here are the top ten movie trailers I've ever seen. For some of these, they were WAY better than the movie advertised, and for others, they were about the same. But one thing's certain, these trailers made me want to see the films they were advertising. Even if one of those films weren't even real (Read on to see what I mean).





10. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre



Gritty, dirty-looking and horrifying. There's so much chaos going on here that it's impossible NOT to be interested in seeing what it's all about. Top notch.

9. Suspiria



Whisper it with me. Suspiiiiiriaaaa. Sure, the movie is awful and it hasn't aged well in the slightest, but this trailer is just cheesy enough to get me to want to see those last few minutes of the movie that's bragged about in the trailer (The ending sucks, by the way. I just saved you a Netflix bomb).

8. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2



I honestly don't even LIKE the Harry Potter movies (They're nowhere near as good as the books). But while I was reading the last book in the series, the one thing I couldn't help but think was how cool the battle scenes would look in a movie, and this trailer got my hopes up. What was great was that the battle was actually pretty good in the movie itself. But alas, no centaurs. The centaurs looked shitty in the earlier movies anyway, though, so that's probably a blessing in disguise.

7. Total Recall



There is just so much going on in this trailer it's ridiculous. We get a one-liner from Arnold, shit blowing up, Arnold fighting, an idea of the plot, and just madness. An excellent trailer.

6. Don't



Featured in the movie, Grindhouse, this faux-trailer is amazing because it's just so hilarious and terrible that it's lovable. I want to see this! But not alone...the trailer told me not to.

5. A Clockwork Orange



Seizure-inducing but brilliant. Just like the movie itself.

4. Watchmen



Waaaaay better than the movie itself, this trailer has Billy Corgan's apocalyptic crooning to thank for it. It's beautiful and dangerous looking.

3. The Dark Knight Rises



This trailer has everything to do with the hype surrounding the movie. The mystery of whether Bane is going to be as amazing a villain as The Joker is on everybody's mind, and this trailer does everything to make us believe he will be. Love that football field collapsing scene. Love it.

2. Chronicle



Will this movie be awesome? Will it be ass? Don't know as of this writing, but one thing I do know is that I HAVE to see this film. I get chills when the dude is crushing the car while sitting Indian style. So sick.

1. 300



Another one from a Zack Snyder movie, I've probably seen this trailer enough times to equal the entirety of the film. That's because it's the best trailer ever. Trent Reznor's searing sound, the brutal visuals, the comic book style art direction...everything about this made me have to see this film back when it came out. Was it as good out of context to the trailer? Well, no, but how COULD it be? Nothing even comes close to it. Best. Trailer. Ever.