The 80s Are Back!

Alvin and the Chipmunks? Transformers? GI Joe? What is this, 1987 all over again? It certainly to seems that way, right, what with all the eighties cartoons making a cinematic comeback these days. But is this Reagan-era revival the best thing to ever happen Hollywood, or an indication that the business has finally run out of ideas? Or maybe a little of both?

“With Hollywood still enamored of the enormous summer blockbuster, they need to find material somewhere,” says legendary writer, Chuck Dixon, who’s probably most known for his work on Batman, but is currently working on the current G.I. Joe comic run on IDW publishing. “Franchises like Joe and Transformers are ready-made with a multi-generational fan base and billions of dollars in merchandising already in place. Kind of a no-brainer.”

No-brainer or not, whether less popular eighties shows should be given a Hollywood treatment is still up in the air as following G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra in August, there are already talks of a Thundercats, Masters of the Universe, and even a Fraggle Rock movie possibly looming in the shadows, maybe even as soon as next year.

“Honestly, I think [Hollywood is turning all of these eighties cartoons into movies] for the same reason why there are so many comic book adaptations being made,” says Entertainment Weekly Senior Editor and comic book writer of Genius and The Highwaymen, Marc Bernardin, “Because the people who have the power to greenlight these projects and now for our generation.

And what a generation it is, especially when it comes to buying tickets to said greenlit projects. People, mostly males, within the ages of 18-49, have been Hollywood;s key demographic for years now, with those long, snaking lines for the Transformers movie being an indication that people actually DO want to see cars that turn into robots, and then back into cars again.

Just check out the figures if you don’t believe the hype. The original Michael Bay Transformers movie in 2007 made over $700,000,000 dollars worldwide. That’s a whole lot of 18-49 year olds who want to see Optimus Prime turn into a Semi truck and fight a fighter jet named Megatron.

But it wasn’t just 18-49 year olds who wanted to see if though. Remember, a tentpole franchise like Transformers or G.I. Joe is built with EVERYBODY in mind, which is why many hardcore fans of the Transformers universe might have cried foul that Megatron was a fighter jet in the movie rather than a hand pistol. Meanwhile, the vast majority of the population couldn’t give a crap—User ratings on the popular website, Internet Movie Data Base (IMBD) are at a favorable 7.4 percent for the film.

In comparison, just look at the original Transformers and G.I. Joe animated features that came out in 1986 and 1987, respectively. Total, even with inflation prices tacked on, neither of those movies made ever a quarter of what Bay’s Transformers did.

“At the end of the day, pleasing the fans is only a concern AFTER you lease the license holder,” says Bernardin, “And the license holder wants to keep the franchise viable…to, in this case, sell toys.”

So, even though the fans might be a margin of who is equated into the overall picture, it’s that little boy who’s never even HEARD of Transformers before but is going to want an action figure after the movie that makes these franchises so viable today, as it’s been proven that the diehard fans just don’t come out in droves to these pictures. And that’s what makes this revival such a good idea in the first place—these films get both the Gen X’ers who remember the franchises, as well as their children into the theaters. It’s a brilliant idea, really, even if it DOES seem like a bit of a cheap trick from Hollywood.

But that’s beside the point, as everybody knows Hollywood’s primary goal in the summer is to make as much lucre as possible. And if Hollywood is going to do that by bringing back the oldies, then so be it. That makes the key question then not so much WHY Hollywood is doing this, but rather, whether the lesser known shows from the eighties are going to start popping up when Hollywood runs out of its G.I. Joe’s and its Transformers. Editor-in Chief, Josh Tyler of Cinemablend.com certainly thinks so.

“Everyone wants to have the next Transformers, though, maybe it all started with the success of those Scooby Doo movies,” Tyler says. “Both franchises have made a ridiculous amount of money so now Hollywood thinks that they can do the same with any eighties cartoon. So we’re stuck with Voltron and G.I. Joe and Thundercats and I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before someone does Gummi Bears. Most of them won’t work and eventually the eighties cartoon craze will cool off.”

Before we start cringing at the prospect of a modernized Gummi Bears movie where they shoot lazer beams and lightning bolts out of their eyes, though, keep in mind that while the head execs in Hollywood might be greedy, rapacious, and sometimes even dimwitted at times, Hollywood isn’t dumb. So even though it’s likely that they might make a Care Bears, a Fraggle Rock, or even a Smurfs movie, they wouldn’t tamper with them in a way that would totally be off the beaten path and would offend anybody old enough to really remember or care about them.

In other words, Transformers and G.I. Joe have ALWAYS had the potential to become huge summer blockbusters since they dealt with adult themes like war, dictatorships, and heroism. Inversely, some of the other more playful cartoons like The Smurfs or Alvin and the Chipmunks have their own place today, too; albeit one that grown-ups won’t necessarily WANT to see but probably will still see anyway because their children want to see them. Either way, it still means big bucks for Hollywood.

That said, that doesn’t mean that EVERYTHING that comes from the eighties should be made into a movie. But in the end though, it seems like people these days fall into three different camps when it comes to the matter—those who are for it, those who are against it, and those who are caught in between. “I’m much more dubious about board games being made into movies—yes, I’m looking at you, Candy Land,” says Mr. Bernardin, “At least with a cartoon there’s an extant story there, something to work from, something that, at one point or another, appealed to people on a dramatic level.”

Josh Tyler is a bit more cynical about it: “G.I. Joe seems like a bad idea. At the end of the day, it’s just a bunch of soldiers running around, and that’s been pretty well covered by movies before.” While Mr. Dixon falls somewhere in the middle: “Not every eighties cartoon is ripe for the big screen treatment. But Joe and the Transformers are time-tested and evergreen.

So, the lines have been drawn, and that leaves only one question left—What side do YOU happen to fall on?

The Watchmen ship has already sailed, so where’s The Sandman movie, already?

I bet you can’t wait for that Watchmen movie. It’s got all the right ingredients—that killer trailer, “visionary” director, Zack Snyder, and the prospects of finally being filmable even though it’s been called un-filmable for years. So in other words, it’s a really big deal, right? Well, yeah, but you know what would be even better? An adaptation of Neil Gaiman’s The Sandman series, which spans eleven whole books, making Alan Moore’s opus look like a short story in comparison.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I WILL see the Watchmen movie. How can I not? It’s practically The Dark Knight of 2009. But what I’m saying is this: The Watchmen, as grand as it is, doesn’t even come close to the epic scale of the dream lord, Morpheus’ tale as he deals with complex issues like what it means to dream, and what it means to live within those dreams. All the while, he’s also dealing with his dysfunctional family as they go about their merry little ways embodying death, destruction, and other natural occurrences that begin with the letter D.

If anything, The Sandman, with its complex theories of existence would be the real un-filmable picture, right? But let’s look even deeper. The story for The Watchmen is dated. Taking place in an alternate universe in the 80’s where the U.S. actually won Vietnam, it works as a good period piece, but doesn’t address current day issues. I know Snyder wanted to stay as close to the text as possible, but the story of Russia edging closer to a nuclear scenario just doesn’t seem as viable today when we’re dealing with a conflict in the very real Iraq.

On the flipside, though, The Sandman has a timeless quality to it and can be filmed in any era, so why not this one while it’s still fresh in the public mind? The Watchmen came out in the 1980s and it belongs there, but Sandman lived most of its life through the 90s and it’s still quite relevant. Plus, Gaiman would be involved in the project, leading to a pretty close adaptation, while Moore’s lack of interest in The Watchmen movie is going to lead to some pretty radical changes, namely in the ending. So come on, Hollywood, you’re sleeping on a real goldmine here! Wake up and bring The Sandman to the masses. That Watchmen ship as already sailed.

Review of Salo or The 120 Days of Sodom

95 out of 100

Few movies outside of Eraserhead can be considered cult classics purely for being so outrageous that they need to be seen to be believed. A Clockwork Orange fits that bill, and so does Salo or the 120 Days of Sodom, a movie that is so graphically powerful that some people believe that Italian director, Pier Paolo Pasolini was actually murdered because of its release, though, the case has since been re-opened for his 1975 murder.

Set in 1944 during the final days of Mussolini, the story is centered around four powerful men who take male and female teenagers into captivity as sex slaves for their pleasure and experimentation, submitting them to horrible sexual treatment and even a whole feast of devouring feces. If you thought that whole shit eating scene at the end of Pink Flamingos was bad, your stomach won’t be able to handle this.

But amidst the controversy of seeing young people in such depraved situations, this is not torture porn in the vein of Saw or Hostel, which both derive their giddy thrills out of seeing other people in pain; schadenfreude at its extreme. Instead, this is a deep, introspective film about consumerism, fascism, and a metaphor for a totalitarian government taken at face value. In every way, it’s a masterpiece that outlives its horrific past and shines even more resplendently on this 2-disc special edition, Criterion release, where it has been re-mastered and decked out with discussions on the creation of the film.

Granted, on first viewing, some of the story-telling segments where old prostitutes tell stories to arouse the gentlemen into debauchery may seem a bit repetitive at first. But on multiple viewings, the film begins to unravel itself into a state where it’s not even shocking anymore, but rather, mesmerizing.

Few movies outside of the great ones can do that, and even after 33 years since its initial release, Salo still does.

Defending Uwe Boll

It’s easy to pick on Uwe Boll. His movies are the equivalent of the trash bag ripping open on your shoes on garbage day, and he’s unabashedly German. And who doesn’t like making fun of the Germans?

But Boll isn’t nearly as bad as you make him out to be on your blog, and he certainly isn’t as bad as Ed Wood.

Really, a closer look at Boll’s films shows that he’s at least making progress, with his most recent release, Postal, being a good example of a director flexing his creative muscles to make a movie about some dude going nuts more than just a crappy reinvention of Falling Down.

But before I get into praising Boll, let’s get some of his skeletons out the way first.

House of the Dead. Garbage.

Alone in the Dark. Garbage featuring Tara Reid.

Bloodrayne. Garbage starring Ben Kingsley as a vampire. Oh, and Kristanna Loken topless.

In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Seige Tale. Promising garbage.

And now Postal, which is more about life in Bush America than anything else. If you haven’t seen it yet just because of Boll’s name, I advise that you do. If not for Boll’s humorous take on terrorism, then at least for the shock of seeing somebody actually making a 9/11 joke in the first five minutes of the movie.

Really, Boll has a lot of passion for his films. Why else would he box his critics to defend them?

And in all truthfulness, just look at the games he’s translating into movies in the first place. Have you ever played House of the Dead? Granted, a movie of it probably shouldn’t have been made in the first place, but still, Boll took what he had and made a film that wasn’t any more ridiculous than the actual game.

Same goes for Bloodrayne. Trust me, it’s no Final Fantasy.

Personally, I think a lot of Boll’s failure has to do with his source material. Some of his other, non-video game movies, such as Heart of America or Blackwoods really aren’t that bad. I mean, Spielberg may be a genius and all, but do you think he could pull off a movie version of Pong? Well, maybe, but you get my point, get Boll a quality script and let’s see what happens. Unfortunately, that day may never come. His reputation does precede him after all.

Being A Highlander Fan Sucks

Man, it really blows being a Highlander fan, especially when all your friends are Star Wars nerds. I mean, the fact that our fan base is like a gazillion times lower than Star Wars isn’t so bad, really. But when the last good offering in the franchise is 1994’s, The Final Destination, I think that’s really saying a lot about clinging on to a dying series. I mean, that’s a whole FOURTEEN freaking years ago, people!

And that’s a shame, really, because I’ve always been a firm believer that Connor and Duncan MacLeod of the Clan MacLeod have always had the potential to trounce Han Solo and Luke Skywalker in coolness if they just got their act together once in awhile

My love for Highlander actually started back in 1995 when my dad took me to go see Mortal Kombat, the movie. Marveled by how awesome Raiden was in the film, my dad nudged me in the shoulder and said, “You should see the guy (Christopher Lambert) in Highlander, “to which I asked, what the hell’s a Highlander?

From that day forward, though, I became totally immersed in the story of Immortals chopping off each other’s heads—the only way to kill an Immortal, of course—so they could “win the game,” and finally become mortal for the very first time. I was equally impressed with Connor MacLeod swinging about his sword and flitting through history to fight off some giant brute named Kurgan while he waxed philosophical with Sean Connery about the feelings that come about from being around other Immortals. This urge to fight is called a “Quickening” in our universe, and Connor MacLeod had an itching for the Quickening quite a bit back in the day.
See? That sounds pretty cool, right? Too bad we followers don’t get NEARLY the fan treatment you Star Wars geeks get. Sure, we’ve had a television series or two (or three, if you count animated ones), a large collection of books, and even a pretty nice toy line to boot, but does any of that really equate for diddly squat when the movies we’re greeted with are utter and complete garbage? I mean, even the second movie, Highlander II: The Quickening, was a piece of rubbish that basically conflicted with everything you learned from the first movie—Aliens? Really?—making it hard to swallow nearly everything that would follow in the outrageously all over the place series.

But the final insult to injury is definitely the latest Sci-Fi channel movie, Highlander: The Source. Seriously, Phantom Menace holds nothing to this disaster of a film, and I can admit that even my enthusiasm for the franchise is waning.

So, while you Star Wars fans can rejoice at Lucas’ announcement that you’ll be enjoying a brand new TV series in 2009, I have to deal with the fact that my franchise might be on its last legs.
Sigh. It really DOES suck being a Highlander fan. One thing’s for certain, though: We’ll always have 007, Sean Connery, in our legacy.

But you’ll always have Indiana Jones, Harrison Ford.

Oh, won’t you shut up, Star Wars geeks?
***

Why do Vampires Get To Have All the Fun? Werewolves are about a kajillion times cooler

With the recent 30 Days of Night and I Am Legend almost back to back in the cinema calendar, vampire fans have a lot to be grateful for. But then again, don’t they ALWAYS?

Going from campy (Bela Lugosi) to suave (Brad Pitt) to ravenous (er, psychotic vampire #4 in 30 Days), vampires on the big screen have evolved, devolved, and revolted audiences for decades now, and have also become a staple in any rendition of the Monster Mash you can think of.

But what about werewolves? Those sometimes horrible, sometimes huggable creatures of the night that go through horrific night time changes only to wake up in a park butt naked and in the cold never get the kind of respect they deserve, and they damn well should! Werewolves are freaking awesome!

Sure, John Landis did us all a great favor by making his lycanthropic love epic, An American Werewolf in London. And The Howling also does us a great fan service with its demented plot and terrifying events (Isn’t it strange that both films came out in 1981. A Carter Conspiracy, perhaps?)

But what else do we have to show our children, and our grandchildren, and, if global warming doesn’t kill us all, their grandchildren? Jack Nicholson in Howl? Michael J Fox in Teen Wolf? Jason Bateman in Teen Wolf Too?! Come on, pal; now this is REALLY getting scary.

And while yes, you may say that werewolves had their day in the sun (Get it? As opposed to the moon) in the recent Kate Beckinsale vehicle, Underworld, just think about what you’re saying for a minute. That was a movie about vampires…featuring werewolves. It wasn’t a werewolf film where some poor sap gets bitten by a wolf and goes on a horrible killing spree. Rather, it was a movie about a war between sophisticated vampires that drank their blood from wine glasses and werewolves that fought each other in cellars like, well, animals.

Granted, the movie touched on the point that vampires consider themselves upper-class compared to the lowly, proletariat Lycans, but still! It isn’t any less humiliating if you’re a fan of werewolves and the only other movie you can talk about features the star of Arrested Development wearing a denim jacket and a fur suit.

So, my suggestion is that we wolf fans get on the highest surface we can scale (Preferably a roof) pump our hirsute fists and howl to the moon until we get exactly what we want—a fresh new werewolf film in theaters RIGHT NOW. I mean, if that Wendy’s spokesperson can make me love their brand name again just by wearing a red pigtail wig and a utter look of confusion on his face, I certainly think that we, who have an infinitely cooler mascot, can do some pretty rough damage ourselves, don’t you think? So are you with me, or are you with me?

Great, we start our first meeting during the next full moon.