Month One of Operation: Beard Growth Nearly Complete: Casualties Minimal

I did not ask to be born a man. When my mom gave birth to me and I had a fu manchu from day one, I just thought it looked natural in all of my old photos. Testosterone this high has to go somewhere.

But this beard is getting out of hand. Just the other day, a woman asked me how long I planned to keep my beard, and I told her, "Until the world stops spinning, baby." It wasn't until later that I had found out that she had killed herself in a fatal Cheerio consuming breakfast, with her suicide note saying that she didn't want to live in a world where I actually shaved my beard. So far, the fatalities number one in Operation: Beard Growth. But buck up, all the rest of you out there in Candyland. Meteorologists say that we at least have until next week before our next Snowmaggedon, which will end our world as we know it. So you have until next week before the world stops spinning and I have to lop off my chin locks. Stay tuned.