Question: Why is Jason Statham's Male Pattern Baldness Considered Sexy But Mine is Considered Pathetic?

The Skinny: Jason Statham, star of The Transporter and, well, The Transporter 2 (Isn't there a third Transporter movie as well?) is a balding man. And yet, women salivate over him. You, star of, you haven't been to the gym in four months even though you have a year's membership, are also balding, but women laugh at your comb over and make fun of your Zubaz pants. What's the deal?

The Answer: Even though Jason Statham plays the same exact character in every single movie he's in, he's at least IN movies, meaning, women are automatically attracted to him. His greatest achievements in life may have been him driving a car while crashing into another car, but that's still more impressive to most women than your ability to scratch your gut and fart at the same time. So, my advice to you is to star in movies. Maybe start small, in like, some low budget Guy Ritchie film before he met Madonna. And then, rise to fame showing off how much better your abs look than Jet Li or Sly Stallone's. Whatever way you go, as long as you're in movies, you can be completely hairless and women will still want you. Hell, you can probably even be morbidly obese (Jonah Hill), two feet tall (Danny DeVito) or worship aliens (Tom Cruise) and women will still want you. As long as you can put, "Movie star" on your business card, women will be your sperm harvester. So find the nearest starving director and start getting into acting, pronto. That receding hairline isn't going to go away anytime soon. So get searching!