The More Polite Review of Eletkra Luxx

(Image taken from Cinemablend.com)

You want to know a good movie about porn? Boogie Nights. Everything about that film just makes me want to buy a flashy shirt, pull down my dungarees, and get into the industry, shaking what my mama GAVE me. But you want to know a shitty movie about porn? Elektra Luxx. Everything that’s great about Boogie Nights is absent in this film. It’s not even really about porn, even. What a tease!

The Movie: One star out of five

When my editor asked if anybody wanted to review Elektra Luxx, I did a quick search online and found that Joseph Gordon-Levitt was in it. Being a fan of flicks like Inception, Brick, and The Lookout, I was like, hell yeah, I want to watch that shit! That guy doesn’t make bad films! But, man, was I wrong. And now I have to add Mr. Levitt to my list of actors who have let me down most heinously. The man apparently CAN make bad films, and Elektra Luxx is one of the worst. I mean, it’s bad. It’s REALLY bad. So bad, in fact, that I wanted to turn it off within the first five minutes of watching it. And I really should have, too. I only watched the whole damn thing so I could report back to you just how bad it is. Because if it had just been me watching it on my own, I would have fed it to the centipedes in my house by the six-minute mark.

Everything about this films blows. But what angers me the most about it, besides the fact that it’s supposed to be a comedy and it’s woefully unfunny, is the fact that it has some really great talent in it that isn’t even used effectively. For example, enter Joseph Gordon-Levitt. I seriously love the guy. He’s been in some great movies as an adult, but had his first major breakout on the sitcom, Third Rock From the Sun, so I know the guy is funny. So why, then, has he been reduced to screaming almost the entire movie? His role is of an online blogger for a porn site, which sounds funny enough, but it’s not here. Every time he tries to say something to the camera, another annoyance gets in the way, so the entire time he’s yelling at people to shut up or leave him alone. Trust me, it sounds much funnier than it is. Also, one other trait that I get from the guy is that he’s a consummate professional. But at the end of the picture, he actually flubs some of his lines and it’s STILL IN THE MOVIE. How does that happen these days? That’s some Ed Wood nonsense right there.

And speaking of Ed Wood, how about the plot of this clunker? Well, it’s awful! The back of the box says that it’s about a porn star who gets preggers and quits the biz, and yeah, that’s a part of what this movie’s about. A SMALL part. Like, only 10%. The rest of the film is almost like a series of vignettes that really don’t even have any connection to the overall storyline. For example, there’s a side plot with one of the title character’s costars where she becomes a lesbian that has absolutely nothing to do with the plot at all. It doesn’t even make any sense. And then, Julianne Moore makes an uncredited appearance as the Virgin Mary that serves no purpose whatsoever. I can see why her name’s not on the back of the box. What I can’t see, though, is why she would even do this movie. Maybe as a favor? I don’t know.

Honestly, I don’t know if this movie was straight-to-DVD or not, but if it was, then I think it’s an offense to every straight-to-DVD movie that ever came out before it. Elektra Luxx is a train wreck. Don’t watch it. Ever.

The Disc: One star out of five

Special features? What special features? On the back of the box, it says, “Includes Hilarious Deleted Scenes.” But don’t believe it. Of the three (that’s right, three) deleted scenes on here, the one that sticks out the most contains two women making out, quietly, while some nebbish dude watches. And if that soft-core porn-quality crap sounds funny to you, then you MIGHT actually like this film. Not me, though. I like my comedy like I like my porn. Hardcore (TMI, I know). And if you’re like me, then you’ll hate these deleted scenes. They’re too tame. And too unfunny.

Reviewed By: Rich Knight

Elektra Luxx Details
Length: 100 min
Rated: R
Distributor: Myriad Pictures
Release Date: 2011-06-21
Starring: Carla Gugino, Timothy Oylphant, Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Directed by: Sebastian Gutierrez
Produced by: Sebastian Gutierrez
Written by: Sebastian Gutierrez
Visit the Elektra Luxx Official Website

Keepin' It Rail: The 10 Best Light-Gun Shooters Of All Time

(Image taken from: Complex-mag.com)

Here's a recent article I wrote for Complex about light-gun rail shooters. Check it out. Reload! Reload

Impolite Review of Elektra Luxx

(Image taken from: beyondhollywood.com)

I write for an online pub called Cinemablend. I love it to death. They give me the freedom to write what's on my mind, which is liberating to say the least. But sometimes, I go off the handle. And this is one of those times. You see, I write for the DVD section and was tasked with writing about a clunker called Elektra Luxx. Now, I didn't think it would be good, but I also didn't think it would be THIS awful. But it was. And I wrote a review that's basically me just saying it sucks over and over again in different, more scathing words. This is that review below. You'll see a more polished review soon, but I thought I'd just share the wrath of a critic with you. Hope you enjoy.

(Image taken from: joblo.com)

Review: Elektra Luxx
By: Rich Knight

You want to know a good movie about porn? Boogie Nights. Everything about that film just makes me want to buy a flashy shirt, pull down my dungarees and get into the industry, shaking what my mama GAVE me. But you want to know a shitty movie about porn? Elektra Luxx. Everything that’s great about Boogie Nights is absent in this film. It’s not even really about porn, even. What a tease!

The film: One star

When my editor asked if anybody wanted to review Elektra Luxx, I did a quick search online and found that Joseph Gordon-Levitt was in it. Being a fan of flicks like Inception, Brick, and The Lookout, I was like, hell yeah, I want to watch that shit. That guy doesn’t make bad films! But, man, was I wrong. And now I have to add Mr. Levitt on my list of yet another actor who has let me down most heinously. The man apparently CAN make bad films, and Elektra Luxx is one of the worst. I mean, it’s bad. It’s REALLY bad. So bad, in fact, that I wanted to turn it off within the first five minutes of watching it. And I really should have, too. I only watched the whole damn thing so I could report back to you just how bad it is. Because if it had just been me watching it on my own, I would have fed it to the centipedes in my house by the six minute mark. How the hell was this trash even made?

I mean, everything about this films blows. But what angers me the most about it, besides the fact that it’s supposed to be a comedy and it’s woefully unfunny, is the fact that it has some really great talent in it that isn’t even used effectively. Joseph Gordon-Levitt starts the film off doing an awful monologue about the title star of the film, Ms. Luxx. She’s left the porn industry because she’s pregnant. And, well, that’s what the plot’s supposed to be about. But it goes all over the place. On the back of the box, it says, (ahem), “Elektra Luxx… wrestles with a solicitous bride-to-be, an obsessed web streamer (That’s Mr. Gordon-Levitt, by the way), a studly private investigator (Timothy Olyphant), a clothing-challenged neighbor, a criminal twin sister, and even the Virgin Mary (Julianne Moore).” I mean, seriously, would YOU want to watch crap that’s cluttered like that? No, right? I didn’t think so. But you know what? Here’s the REAL kicker on the back of the box—“it’s one hysterical ride with plenty of uninhibited comedy along the way.” All I want to know is, who wrote that and how much were they paid? It must have been a lot, because they’re lies. All lies. In fact, I want to get in on some of that lie money. I might even give up my journalistic integrity to do it.

In fact, here’s my retro review for Plan 9 from Outer Space. Tor Johnson gives the performance of a lifetime as Inspector Dan Clay! And lookout, D W Griffith, as Ed Wood is a director to look out for!! His startling, revelatory new film shines a light on mankind like no other film has before it!!! A visual tour de force!!!!

I mean, I’m sorry to get so far off track with this film, but all I want to do is think about anything BUT Elektra Luxx when talking about it. I don’t know if this movie was straight-to-DVD or not, but God, if it was, it’s an offense to every straight-to-DVD movie that ever came before it. Seriously, Mirrors 2 is better than this garbage. And have you ever seen Mirrors 2? God, that movie’s a trainwreck. But this movie is worse. Way worse. Elektra’s last name doesn’t even have three x’s in it! And shouldn’t it? Isn’t she supposed to be a pron star? C’mon, that was an easy one. Again, I repeat, how was this garbage even made? Barf!



The disc: One star

Sigh, let’s look at the back of the box again, shall we? For special features it says, “Includes Hilarious Deleted Scenes.” Really? Really?! Couldn’t you guys just say “Includes Deleted Scenes”? Why did you have to add lie on top of lie and say that they’re hilarious? The movie itself doesn’t contain a single laugh, so why in the hell would the deleted scenes have any? Does the director even know what comedy is? Or did I just fall asleep during the film and wake up in some alternate dimension and not know it? Do shows like Seinfeld and The Simpsons exist in this alternate dimension? Because one of these “hilarious” deleted scenes contains two women making out, quietly, while some nebbish dude watches. It’s the closest thing to actual softcore porn on here, and even that sucks. Ugh. I hate myself for even watching this. I want my 100 minutes of life back, please. And make it snappy. I don’t have any more time to waste.

Elektra Luxx [DVD] Details
Length: 100 minutes
Rated: R
Distributor: Myriad Pictures
Release Date:
Starring: Carla Gugino, Timothy Oylphant, Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Directed by: Sebastian Gutierrez
Produced by: Sebastian Gutierrez
Written by: Sebastian Gutierrez
Visit the Elektra Luxx website: http://www.elektraluxx-movie.com/

Jazz Sucks

(Image taken from: blogs.forward.com)

Back in my senior year in college, I took a class on Jazz just so I could get a better understanding of it. And even though I did in fact learn to appreciate artists like Coltrane and Parker, I still came out of it thinking one thing: Jazz sucks.

And here's the problem with it.

The musicians who play it seem to think that it's still important. In a sense, it WAS important. One of the only true things that America can brag about and say that it created was jazz music. And it opened the door for other better music like rock and roll and rap. Really, though, anybody who plays jazz today is a relic that looks like this:



It really is a joke.

But remember, I'm talking about the kind of jazz that most people associate it with when they hear the title. That's not to say that ALL jazz is awful. Herbie Hancock's Future Shock is actually really awesome, mostly, because it doesn't sound like jazz at all. It sounds like early dance music. Take a listen.



It's a good example of jazz fusion. But everything is better with fusion. Metroid. V8 Splash. Jazz. I mean, fusions improve everything. It's kind of hard for jazz to NOT be better without it, really.

So, on that note, I'm going to leave you with the only real jazz musician that I can tolerate and not have a shit fit over. SHOOBY!

You Know What? Netflix Can Go to Hell

(Image taken from: tametheweb.com)

Am I a satisfied customer of Netflix? Hell no, I'm not a satisfied customer of Netflix! Netflix can go and eat some rancid, old man's booty hole. Not once, but TWICE now have they sent me garbage in the mail. And I'm not just talking about their suggestions for me (Though, those are pretty bad, too). I'm talking about discs that keep on skipping endlessly at the best parts. First, it was with Twin Peaks, which is finally streaming now, thank God. And now, it's with Boogie Nights, which ISN'T streaming now, by God.

Damn, don't you guys ever check your DVDs before you send them back out to people? Some guy might have rubbed his greasy genitals all over the disc and then, scratched it like Africa Bambaataa. But it's not like YOU guys would ever know. Because all YOU guys ever do is just mail it out to the next sucker on the queue without even checking if there's any damage. Well, you know what? FUNK DAT! You guys blow the big one.

(Picture of Africa Bambaataa taken from: blogs.miaminewtimes.com)



And you know what ELSE sucks? I just bought a brand new phone. A Droid, no less. And guess what? Netflix doesn't even WORK on it. That's right, readers. They're such a piece of sheet company, that their garbage doesn't even support it. Back on my old iPhone, Netflix skipped on it like crazy. And now, on my new Droid, it doesn't even function. What a load of crap. If this happens one more time, I'm switching back to Blockbuster. Their selection might suck, but at least they're reliable.

But what do YOU think I should do? Suggestions are always welcomed.

(Image taken from: geek.com)

The 25 Best Video Games of 2011 (So Far)

(Image taken from: complex-mag.com)

Here's an article I wrote with two others. The title says it all: http://www.complex.com/video-games/2011/06/25-best-video-games-of-2011-so-far/

The Top Ten Best Producers Who Can Rap

(Image taken from: bhphotovideo.com)

Or maybe, this article should be titled, the top ten rappers behind the boards. Either way, it'd be foolish for anybody to say that rap could be good without the beats. Just look at the rapper Canibus. His debut album back in, what was it, 1997, should have been legendary. But it wasn't. And you know why? Because the production on it was soft. Never mind the fact that the lyrics were some of his sharpest ever.

So it's all the more impressive to find a rapper who is skilled on the mic AND can tear it up on the mixing boards. Because usually, it's one of the other. You have the great rapper who does a decent job at producing (See: Eminem), or the excellent producer who does a moderate to poor job at rapping (See: Kanye West). But these ten. These ten are mint. See if you agree with them. And if you don't, go f%*# ya'self (Sorry, it's the hip-hop in me).

(Image taken from: songonlyrics.com)

10. Timbaland

You might find this entry gag-worthy. But as horrible a rapper as Timbaland is, and he IS pretty horrible, I'd actually say that he's a better rapper than Kanye--who you'll find didn't even make this list since he's such an awful rapper. What works for Timbaland is that his beats, even when they're for somebody else, always seem to fit his easy-going flow. His thick voice just seems to work, and it makes for some pretty cohesive tunes when he actually gets on the mic. I approve.

(Image taken from: hiphopsite.com)

9. Pete Rock

As known for his jazzy beats as he is for his quick, boppity flow, Pete Rock is old school supreme. His lyrics may not be on par with some of the later rappers on this list, but his voice just works over his upbeat tempos and drums. Take a listen.

(Image taken from: leftlion.co.uk)

8. The Beatnuts

Psycho Les and JuJu may not have ever reached the height of popularity that they were searching for, but their sometimes playful, but mostly times dirty, beats and lyrics were always something to look forward to when they were in their prime. Below is probably their most famous song. How could you not bop your head to that beat and smile with those lyrics ("Yo, it's better to take, then to receive")? No, I'm really asking you. How could you not? It's hot.

(Image taken from: billboard.com)

7. Dr. Dre

You may be wondering how a legend like Dr. Dre is so low on this list. Well, here's the thing about Dre. His production is some of the most solid in the business, as his 70s G-Funk sound somehow transformed to become popular even today. But as for his rapping? Well, if Dre has any other talent besides production, it's surrounding himself with rappers who can really make him look good. Slinging lyrics with Snoop or Eminem boosted his own cred, and he didn't sound that bad, either. But that's only because some of his stuff was ghostwritten, and the other stuff that wasn't was genuine hard work to not sound awful in comparison to his guests. For that, he lands at number 7. But it's definitely a respectable 7.

(Image taken from: urbansmarts.com)

6. Madlib

Madlib has always said that he considers himself a producer first and a rapper last. That's fine. But damn, man, as Lord Quas, you're sick as hell, brother. Even if it DOES sound like you just sucked up all the helium in a balloon, your flow is impeccable. And your beats are as soulful and as jittery as they come. It works. Take a listen.

(Image taken from: xlr8r.com)

5. El-P

El-P, formerly of Company Flow, makes beats for aliens. His space age sounds made Can Ox's The Cold Vein the greatest rap album of all time, and his overall sound is ridiculous. Oh, and his raps, jeez. Sometimes, you need to get a dictionary just to understand what the hell he's talking about. El-P was nerd rap before nerd rap even had a title to it. And for that, he lands on this list. Zap!

(Image taken from: myspace.com)

4. J Dilla

Gone but NEVER forgotten, J Dilla was like the perfect mix of lyricism and beats. His flow was silky. I don't know how else to put it. And his beats just complimented him or anybody else he produced for, from Tribe to Ghost. His Slum Village work is still legendary. RIP, Jay Dee.

(Image taken from: giantmag.com)

3. The Rza

NOBODY sounded like the Rza in his prime, both lyrically and beat wise. He pretty much created an empire as the leader of the Clan with his songsmanship, and his flow is the strangest thing since Kool Keith hit the scene. If uniqueness alone could be monetized, then Rza's face should be on the highest form of currency that's available. Even his lisp was awesome, and how many other rappers can you say that about?

(Image taken from: clashmusic.com)

2. MF Doom

Or just plain 'ol Doom these days, drop the MF (Silly!), the metal faced villain is a sampling god. You think Kanye is good? Pfft. Kanye ain't shit compared to how far Doom is willing to go to get his samples. Sometimes, he uses jazz hooks. Other times, he uses prog rock samples. And sometimes, well, jeez, I don't even KNOW where he gets some of his samples from. But they're always genius, and they always sound brilliant. And yo, peep this. Doom has collaborated with both Madlib AND Danger Mouse, and managed to have albums that sounded better when he produced without them. Now THAT'S clout. And his rhymes are beyond perfect. His flow is immaculate. Only one rapper/producer is better than ol' Metal Fingers. And I stand by the man to my dying day.

(Image taken from: planetill.com)

1. Necro

Necro's beats are sadistic. They're brutal. They're bonecrushing, and they fit his evil lyrics to a tee. No other rapper on this list is as musically gifted as Necro, and that's the truth. He can play electric guitar with the best of them, and other instruments as well. And his sampling ranges from horror to snuff to straight out porno. It's definitely the most diverse you'll ever hear. And you may think I'm nuts to say this, but I even think he's the best rapper on this list as well, as everything he's ever done has been classic. Every single line. From his very first album to his current one, Necro is king of both production and lyricism. Die!